Low protocol

What is low protocol?

Low protocol is the loose way of relating within a D/s relationship, where the division of power simply carries on but is not visibly enforced on the outside. In Dutch the English term stays; “laag protocol” is rarely heard. Low protocol is the setting for company, the street and the working week, and the counterpart of high protocol.

What low protocol looks like in practice

Low protocol looks like nothing, and that is exactly the point.

Cascalheira, Thomson and Wignall interviewed four people for whom the power dynamic runs day and night, and described what of it stayed visible in ordinary hours. Ava and Oliver end their phone calls with “I am yours” and “you are mine”. Ava and Ivy both wear a necklace in public that symbolizes their submission. Ivy always walks on the inside of the pavement in the street and takes his hand to cross; at three o’clock he says he’s making food for her and that she eats it, no discussion.

Four agreements, not one of which stands out. An outsider sees a couple crossing the street hand in hand. That is what low protocol does: it keeps the relationship going without anything having to be explained.

Where the word protocol comes from

From a sheet of paper glued to the front.

The Byzantine Greek prōtokollon is made up of prōtos, first, and kolla, glue. It was the sheet stuck to the front of a papyrus roll that carried the verification and the dating. Under Justinian it became the sheet with the general content of a legal document, on which the particulars were filled in later. Through Latin protocollum and French protocole the word reached Dutch, where prothocol is recorded in 1477.

That is still how a protocol works in a D/s bond. The fixed sheet sits at the front: who uses which title, what applies by default. Today’s particulars come underneath. Low and high are then not two boxes but two settings on one scale, and which one is on depends on who is watching.

Why people choose low protocol

Because the formal setting can’t be carried out in most hours of the week.

The researchers say it flatly: keeping up an outspoken form turned out to be impractical in public spaces, in the presence of children and under certain emotional circumstances. When the same couples were alone and mentally well, the protocols were strict. So low protocol is not a watered-down version but the setting that keeps the whole thing bearable.

• Whoever holds the submissive role keeps something to hold on to at moments when the rest of life takes over: one line at the end of a call is enough to know where you stand.
• Whoever is in charge doesn’t have to keep something up all week and can save the attention for the moments that matter.
• For a couple together the relationship stays in place without it having to be explained to the in-laws.

According to that study, it delivers more than convenience. Everyday expressions of power exchange were needed to let the relationship run through all areas of life, and though they were non-sexual, they did work erotically: a subtle confirmation that the bond is there. What no one names disappears, and then what’s left is a couple who say they’re in a D/s relationship with nothing to show for it.

How people fill in low protocol

With a handful of standing agreements that need no explanation. Four forms come up most often.

1. A language agreement that only applies at home. A first name outside, a title inside, with the switching point at the front door.
2. A line at a fixed moment. At the end of a call, on leaving, before sleep. Short enough to keep up on a day that went badly.
3. A wearable sign. A necklace or ring that is jewelry to the outside world and something else to you, like the collar in its everyday form.
4. One standing rule about something ordinary. Food, bedtime, money, the phone. Not exciting, but noticeable, every day.

None of the four needs an audience. With high protocol the form is meant to be visible; with low protocol invisibility is a condition. That’s why the switch itself is also an agreement: there should be a moment where one setting replaces the other.

Low protocol is not the same as no protocol

“Low protocol means nothing applies.” No. It means little applies and that what applies doesn’t stand out. The couples in the study still had agreements in the loose setting about food, about touch in the street and about how a phone call ends.

“Low protocol is for beginners.” Not that either. In that same study the loose setting was precisely the tool of people who had been doing this day and night for years. Anyone who keeps such a relationship going for a long time spends most hours on low protocol.

“Strict is more serious.” That’s a judgment, not a fact. The encyclopedic entry on leather culture notes that “Old Guard” is now also used dismissively for older members of the leather scene with conservative views about what counts as “correct” behavior and about who belongs. Formality says something about a couple’s taste and nothing about the quality of the bond.

What I notice myself

I am Victor, gigolo, in the BDSM world since 1990 and trained as a psychotherapist. Women who want something of a D/s relationship almost always ask about the heavy work and never about the Tuesday evening.

Yet the Tuesday evening is where it breaks down. An evening with titles and postures can be arranged. What’s left the rest of the week, almost no one thinks up beforehand, and then after three weeks there’s nothing left.

So I don’t ask which rules someone wants, but which rule still stands on the day things go wrong. Usually it turns out there’s one. One is enough; it’s the zero that’s the problem.

What you can do yourself

• Choose one standing agreement for ordinary days and say along with it that it also applies when you don’t feel like it, because that’s what it’s there for.
• Agree on the switching moment, in both directions, with a line or an act that closes one setting and opens the other.
• Choose a sign you can keep on anywhere, and agree on what it means if it comes off for a day.
• Put a review moment in the calendar, because an agreement no one mentions anymore is usually already gone before anyone notices.
• Say when you need the loose setting instead of quietly letting the form drop; impractical is a valid reason, secretly stopping is not.

More on low protocol

On this site, high protocol lays out the formal counterpart, D/s describes the relationship both settings exist within, and 24/7 shows what happens when a relationship is never switched off.

Off this site, Cascalheira, Thomson and Wignall is free to read; it is the only piece that lets people talk at length about their ordinary days.

Where this fits on this site

Curious how such a relationship would look for you outside the exciting hours? I’m glad to have that conversation. The BDSM date covers what we go through beforehand.

Sources

• “A certain evolution”: a phenomenological study of 24/7 BDSM and negotiating consent. Cory J. Cascalheira, Amy Thomson & Liam Wignall, Psychology & Sexuality 13(3), 628-639, 2021 (DOI 10.1080/19419899.2021.1901771). Author version read in full via the Bournemouth University repository. Provides the four participants and their flexible rules, the examples of “I am yours” and “you are mine” at the end of a phone call, the necklaces that symbolize submission in public, walking on the inside of the pavement and the agreement about food at three o’clock; the finding that an outspoken form was impractical in public spaces, in the presence of children and under certain emotional circumstances while the protocols were strict once the couple was alone and mentally well; and the conclusion that everyday expressions of power exchange were needed to run the relationship structure through all areas of life and, though non-sexual, were an erotic and sometimes subtle way to confirm the bond.
• protocol. P.A.F. van Veen & N. van der Sijs, Etymologisch woordenboek: de herkomst van onze woorden (Van Dale Lexicografie, 2nd ed. 1997) and J. de Vries, Nederlands Etymologisch Woordenboek (1971), both via the Etymologiebank. Provide the borrowing via French protocole and Latin protocollum from Byzantine Greek prōtokollon, made up of prōtos ‘first’ and kolla ‘glue’; the meaning of the sheet glued to the front of the papyrus roll with verification and dating; the development under Justinian into the sheet with the general content of a legal document on which the particulars were filled in later; and the Dutch record prothocol from 1477.
• Leather subculture. English Wikipedia. Provides the finding that the label “Old Guard” is now also used dismissively for older members of the leather community with conservative views that count as dated, for example about what is “correct” behavior and about the place of different groups within the scene.

Related terms

• High protocol. The formal setting on the same scale, with titles, postures and rituals.
• D/s. The relationship both settings exist within.
• 24/7. The form in which the loose setting fills most hours of the week.
• Collar. The sign that in its everyday variant often passes as ordinary jewelry.
• House rules. Rules that apply to a whole room, where a protocol applies between two people.
• Service-oriented submission. The acts that stay as a standing agreement in the loose setting.
• Discipline. The corrections that a protocol provides the form for.
• Position training. The practiced postures that in the loose setting are precisely not asked for.
• Protocol. The overarching term, and what the word is used for outside BDSM.