Podcast interview: Victor on what BDSM really is
Jolanda from Brabants Meisje interviews Victor about what BDSM really is, beyond the whips, about dominance and why it stays equal for him.
Glossary
Dominance
Not the role of the dominant, but the movement of control that arises between two people.
What is dominance?
Dominance (Dutch: dominantie) is the dynamic in which one person takes the lead and the other hands that lead over: the movement of control from one to the other within an agreed frame. It is a property of the relationship, not of a person. The dominant is the one who carries the role; dominance is what happens between two people.
| Dutch term | dominantie, the D in D/s |
| What it is | the dynamic of leading and being led, not the person |
| Not to be confused with | the dominant: that is the role, dominance is the relationship around it |
| Opposite side | submission, the surrender that makes dominance possible in the first place |
| Arises through | consent; without the other person’s surrender, dominance does not exist |
| Core point | the power is on loan, not owned |
How power exchange works
Dominance does not begin with the one who leads, but with the one who follows. The encyclopedia describes power exchange as the empowering of the dominant through the other person surrendering to their control, and adds that in reality it is the surrendering party who keeps the underlying control. Dominance is therefore a loan. It exists as long as the other person gives it, and it stops the moment they take the lead back.
That makes dominance something other than power in daily life, where someone holds a position or does not. Here the authority is handed over anew each time, for an hour or for longer, and that handing over is the heart of the play.
What dominance does between two people
The dynamic divides more than the roles. It also divides the load. Sagarin and colleagues took saliva samples from fifty-eight sadomasochistic players around their scenes and published it in Archives of Sexual Behavior. In those who were tied up and followed orders the stress hormone cortisol rose; in those who gave the orders and the structure, it did not. So the two sides of the same dynamic experience it differently, in the body too. That same study found that the closeness between the two increased when the scene went well.
What dominance does not do is make trust that is not there. The dynamic enlarges what is already present: if there is safety, it deepens; if there is tension from outside the play, that flares up instead. Dominance is an amplifier, not a foundation.
Dominance is not the same as the dominant
“Dominance and dominant are the same word for the same thing.” No, and the distinction is the heart of this page. The dominant is a person in a role; dominance is the relationship in which that role first takes on meaning. Without someone who surrenders, there is no one to be dominant toward.
“Dominance is a character trait.” Also no. Wismeijer and Van Assen compared 902 BDSM practitioners with 434 others and found more favorable outcomes on the dominant side, but that is about who signs up for such research, not about what makes the dynamic in someone. That a switch moves from side to side with ease shows that dominance is a position, not a personality.
“Dominance is about being the boss.” It is about borrowed authority. The limits are set by the one who gives them up, and they can take them back at any moment.
What I see of it myself
I’m Victor, a gigolo, and my profile describes my dominance as natural and calm. That is exactly where most people get it wrong: they expect the dynamic to come from me, from my voice or my gestures.
What I see is that the movement begins on her side. The more someone dares to surrender, the more dominance arises, and not the other way around. I do less than she expects and pay more attention than she thinks, and precisely because of that the lead comes to me on its own.
And this keeps striking me: the dynamic is strongest when it is quietest. Not when I act hard, but when it feels so safe that she dares to give up control without my having to ask for it. That is how a BDSM date goes with me too: I do not ask for the power, I wait until you dare to give it.
More on dominance
On this site, dominant is about the role and the person who carries it, submission is about the surrender that makes dominance possible, and the blog category on dominance describes how the two sides play off each other in practice.
Beyond this site, the research by Sagarin and colleagues is the best starting point: it measures what power exchange does to the body and to the bond between two people.
Sources
- Dominance and submission. Wikipedia. Provides the description of power exchange as the empowering of the dominant through the other’s surrender, and the finding that the surrendering party keeps the underlying control.
- Hormonal changes and couple bonding in consensual sadomasochistic activity. Sagarin, Cutler, Cutler, Lawler-Sagarin & Matuszewich, Archives of Sexual Behavior 38, 2009. 58 participants; provides the finding that cortisol rose in those who were tied up and followed orders, not in those who gave the structure, and that closeness increased when the scene went well.
- Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. Wismeijer & Van Assen, The Journal of Sexual Medicine 10(8), 2013. Comparison of 902 BDSM practitioners with 434 others; provides the more favorable outcomes on the dominant side, which say something about who signs up, not about what causes the dynamic.
Related terms
- Dominant. The role and the person, of which dominance is the dynamic around it.
- Submission. The surrender that first lets dominance arise, the other half of the movement.
- D/s. The relationship of which dominance is the D.
- Total power exchange. Dominance without an end time, extended to the whole of life.
- Switch. Someone who carries both sides of the dynamic, and the proof that dominance is a position and not a nature.
- D-type. The collective name for the steering side, of which dominance is the quality.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about dominance.
What is dominance?
Dominance is the dynamic in which one person takes the lead and the other hands that lead over, within an agreed frame. It is a property of the relationship, not of a person. The dominant is the one who carries the role; dominance is what happens between two people.
What is the difference between dominance and a dominant?
A dominant is a person in a role, dominance is the dynamic in which that role takes on meaning. Without someone who surrenders, there is no one to be dominant toward. Dominance describes the movement of control, then; the dominant is the person who carries it.
Does the dominant in dominance really hold the power?
Who can you turn to with questions about dominance?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. His dominance is natural and calm, and he’ll think through without obligation how that dynamic would feel for you. You can reach him through the contact form or chat for free first.
Blog
Articles about dominance and surrender
This page gives the dynamic and the research. These articles are about how leading and surrendering play off each other in practice.
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BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it: how to handle it
You have a BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it. What you can and can't do, how to have the conversation, and why pushing backfires.
SM Room for Rent: BDSM Rooms and Play Spaces in the Netherlands and Beyond
BDSM rooms and SM play spaces for rent across the Netherlands, Belgium, France and Germany: SM cottages, SM B&Bs, setup, prices and what to check.
Related service
Giving up the lead, safely
Dominance only works when you feel safe enough to surrender. The service page shows how a BDSM date goes and how we agree on limits and aftercare.
BDSM date
Book a BDSM date with a gigolo who has 25 years of experience. Safe, intense, always within your limits, from soft bondage to dominance.
Want to know more
Still have questions about dominance?
I'm Victor, a gigolo with a natural, calm dominance. If you want to feel what that movement is like when you give up the lead, I'll gladly think it through with you, no strings attached. Ask your question, no obligation.