Discipline

What is discipline?

Discipline (Dutch: discipline, the same word) is the D of BDSM: the whole set of rules, training, reward and punishment with which two people shape behavior. The dominant party sets the rules, the submissive follows them, and what happens when a rule falls is fixed in advance. Pain does not have to come into it.

How discipline works in practice

Discipline begins with a rule small enough to keep. Not with a punishment.

A typical evening looks like this. There are three agreements: you sit up straight, you speak only when you are asked something, and you keep your hands off yourself. Every violation carries something. Five smacks, or ten minutes facing the wall (corner time), or simply: the thing you were looking forward to does not happen. The encyclopedic description of discipline within BDSM lines those options up: withholding a reward, asking for a service or a humiliating act, inflicting physical pain, or using bondage itself as punishment.

What surprises people is how quickly that works. Someone who has to sit up straight for twenty minutes is thinking about nothing else after ten. The rule does that, not the punishment.

What does the D in BDSM mean?

The D appears twice in the abbreviation, and that is the source of most of the confusion. The first D is discipline, the second is dominance.

The systematic review by De Neef and colleagues in Sexual Medicine describes BDSM as physical, psychological and sexual role-play involving an exchange of power between people who consent to it. Within that, discipline is the part that translates the exchange of power into behavior. Bondage restricts movement, sadomasochism works with sensations, discipline works with expectations.

The mechanism behind it is simple and old: behavior that has a consequence changes. Alongside punishment, the encyclopedia explicitly names positive reinforcement too, such as rewarding someone for good behavior. A dynamic that consists only of punishments does not last six weeks. You see that borne out in practice.

Why people enjoy discipline

The appeal lies in not having to choose. As long as the rules are clear, all you have to do is what they say, and for people who make decisions all day that is a surprisingly big relief.

What it delivers depends on the role. For the one who follows the rules, there is a frame that brings calm and a reason to look put-together or to sit still. For the one who sets them, the gain is in attention: you have to keep watching, because enforcing a rule you do not track yourself is worth nothing. For two people together, it produces a language with which you can ask for something without an argument.

Research gives no reason to look for anything troubling behind it. In The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Wismeijer and Van Assen compared 902 BDSM practitioners with 434 control participants and found less neuroticism, more openness and higher well-being in the first group. Their conclusion: a leisure pursuit rather than psychopathology.

Discipline does not repair a conflict the two of you have never talked through. Rules about the dishes do not settle an argument about the dishes, they only move it to the bedroom.

Agreeing on rules: how people do it

The usual recipe is boring. Few rules, all written down, and for each rule an agreement on what is attached to it.

1. Pick two or three rules, not ten. What you cannot enforce drags the rest down with it.
2. Agree the consequence for each rule, including its upper limit.
3. Agree what stands opposite things going well, because without reward the engine drops out of it.
4. Add when the rules apply. Only during a scene, only on Fridays, or around the clock.
5. Review it. What has gone a month unobserved is no longer a rule but a habit the two of you are ignoring.

Anyone who does this around the clock ends up at a contract or a 24/7 arrangement. Dancer, Kleinplatz and Moser surveyed 146 people who describe themselves as slaves and saw the power difference carry through into household and finances. They also saw those same people use their own will when it served their interest.

Discipline and punishment: where the difference lies

“Discipline is another word for punishment.” No. Punishment is one instrument within discipline. The rules, the training and the reward are the rest, and on most evenings nothing at all happens because nothing goes wrong.

“So it is sadomasochism then.” No again. The encyclopedia is explicit that punishment within BDSM should not be equated with sadomasochism: there the pleasure comes from the sensation itself, with discipline it is about behavior. See also corporal punishment.

“Punishment has to hurt.” The most effective consequences are often the dull ones: waiting, not getting something, or having to do something you find unpleasant.

What I see of it myself

Discipline is the part of a BDSM date where I most often have to peel something back. People come in with a list of rules they read somewhere, and after half an hour of talking two are left that are truly their own.

The rule that does the most is almost never the most exciting one. Sitting up straight. Waiting before you speak. Asking for something instead of taking it. That works, because you feel it all evening instead of for five minutes.

And the mistake I see most often: agreeing only on punishment and forgetting the reward. Someone who never hears that it is going well does not keep it up.

What you can do yourself

• Start with one rule and keep it up for a week before you add a second.
• Write down the consequence before the rule is broken for the first time, not after.
• Agree an upper limit for every punishment, in counts or in minutes, so that no one has to judge during a scene what is reasonable.
• Provide a counterpart. Say out loud what went well, even when that feels awkward.
• Do not use punishment to solve a real irritation. Talk that through first, outside the play.

More reading on discipline

On this site, the article on the power of discipline and positions is about how rules and postures together form a frame, and the piece on consent as the backbone is about the conversation that comes before every rule. The category page on dominance gathers the rest.

Beyond this site, the review by De Neef and colleagues gives the best overview of what is scientifically known about BDSM.

Sources

• Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission and Sadomasochism (BDSM) From an Integrative Biopsychosocial Perspective: A Systematic Review. De Neef, Coppens, Huys & Morrens, Sexual Medicine 7(2), 129–144, 2019. Supplies the description of BDSM as physical, psychological and sexual role-play involving an exchange of power between consenting participants.
• Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners. Wismeijer & van Assen, The Journal of Sexual Medicine 10(8), 1943–1952, 2013. Supplies the comparison of 902 practitioners with 434 control participants, the outcomes on neuroticism, openness and well-being, and the conclusion that BDSM is a leisure pursuit rather than psychopathology.
• 24/7 SM slavery. Dancer, Kleinplatz & Moser, Journal of Homosexuality 50(2–3), 81–101, 2006. Supplies the 146 respondents, the power difference that carries on outside the scene into household and finances, and the finding that these people use their own will when it serves their interest.
• Discipline (BDSM). Wikipedia. Supplies the description of discipline as rules the dominant sets and the submissive follows, the list of forms of punishment, the point that discipline also includes positive reinforcement, and the warning not to equate punishment with sadomasochism.

Related terms

• B&D. The abbreviation in which discipline stands next to bondage, without the rest of BDSM.
• Corporal punishment. The physical side of discipline, with a pronounced punitive aim.
• Corner time. The quiet punishment that causes no pain and still lands.
• Contract. Where agreed rules end up on paper.
• Food control. Discipline applied to what is on the table.
• Funishment. The “punishment” that is not a punishment, and why it actually reinforces the behavior.
• Maintenance spanking. The set arrangement without a violation, and with that the exception to the link between rule and consequence.
• Onderhoudsstraf. The same arrangement under its Dutch name, with the word breakdown.
• Punishment. The Dutch word straf for the consequence, and what it drags along from criminal law.
• Plak. The object the Dutch word for authority comes from: onder de plak zitten, to be under someone’s thumb.
• Position training. The branch of discipline that is about postures, and the only one you have to practice.
• Praise kink. The reward side of the same frame, with the research on when praise works.
• Training. The building-up part of discipline, with the figures on how long that takes.