Male Escort for Women: Victor in Conversation

This interview first appeared on SheSpot.

Why do women hire a gigolo, a male escort for women? Usually it’s intimacy they’re after, more than sex. Undivided attention, someone who listens without judging and lets them be seen without shame. Often these are strong, independent women making a deliberate choice for their own wellbeing, the same way you’d book a coach or a masseur. I’ll walk you through how it goes, from the first text to the aftercare.

“Female desire isn’t a taboo. It’s a source of strength.”

What happens when women stop tucking their desire away and choose it on purpose? For SheSpot, we spoke with professional gigolo Victor (a pseudonym), who has a background as a psychotherapist. About listening without judgment, sexual autonomy, and why intimacy is so much more than sex.

Who is Victor?

Can you tell us who you are, apart from your work?

An ordinary, easygoing man. Married, three bonus children, living near Amsterdam. A Brabander at heart, from the southern Netherlands. Early fifties. I’m a stable, calm man with a psychology practice. I’ve written several books on psychotherapy and given trainings all over the world, from Australia to America, about the mind-body effect and how you can influence it. I’m a feeling person: I pick up on energy and mood easily, and I combine that with a high IQ and EQ. I’ve learned to listen to women, to what they say and to what they mean. That may sound vague, but it comes down to observing closely and asking follow-up questions.

How and when did you start doing this work, and what drew you to it at first?

As a teenager and young adult I was a really shy boy. I didn’t dare approach girls and I was a late bloomer sexually. Friends already had relationships and back then I didn’t understand it. Flirting, how it worked, I didn’t get it. I was a virgin until I was 21. That shyness gave way to self-assurance: not from ego, but from a core of feeling and knowing, and from years of feedback from women. So I also know exactly what it’s like to be insecure, and how good it can feel when someone helps you explore in a safe way.

At some point I met my then-wife in the BDSM world. We clicked. Life went differently: she became seriously ill. As her caregiver I looked after her for a year and a half, and then she passed away. I struggled with that for a long time: months of numbness, I couldn’t work and had no income. My work now isn’t an escape from that grief, it’s a transformation of it. Every woman I help is also a confirmation for me: don’t wait for “later.” Life is too short; I don’t want to regret the things I didn’t do.

After that period I started dating a lot. The better I understood it, the more fun it became. My calm, stable self came back. I started living again and seeing the light again. I noticed I’d learned something: I could read women better and sense what they needed, sometimes before they were clear about it themselves.

Women often said: “It’s so peaceful with you. I feel seen and heard. The connection is special, and the sex is good.” On one of my dates I met my current wife. She said the same thing: “Most men don’t really listen; you do. And you take your time.” She said: “More women could benefit from that.” That’s when the seed was planted.

I love excitement and discovering new things, so I thought: I’ll give it a try as a gigolo. I applied to an agency, with photos, but I got turned down because I’m not a “chiseled pretty boy.” So I started out on my own. My wife fully supports me: she knows where I am for every date and finds it interesting to hear how it went. What draws me to it is that I can give women a good time, sometimes deep and healing, sometimes just light and fun. Life is too short to put off things you want to experience.

Do you know other male gigolos?

Yes, I know a few, but not very closely. Everyone has their own style and specialty. Mine is building deep connection and working with energy. On top of that I have 25 years of experience in the BDSM world, for when a woman wants to experiment with it gently (or more intensely). But that’s absolutely not required: plenty of women want “vanilla,” and that’s every bit as good.

What’s the biggest misconception about male gigolos?

The biggest misconception is that it’s only about sex. In practice it’s far more often about intimacy. Sex can be part of that, but it doesn’t have to be. Many women come because they get something they miss elsewhere: full, undivided attention, deep listening, and truly being seen. A second misconception is that it’s mostly “desperate” women. The opposite is more often true: it’s precisely strong, independent, successful, and intelligent women who deliberately bring me in. As a choice for their wellbeing and pleasure. Just like you’d invest in a hairdresser, therapist, masseur, or coach. Not because they “can’t get a man,” but because they’re not getting what they need, or because it’s more practical and efficient than endless dating.

There are misconceptions among women too:

That it’s only for “pathetic” women: not true.

“He does it with anyone”: also not true. I want contact first and to see whether there’s a click. That can go fast (a few days of texting) or slow (weeks). You set the pace.

That all gigolos are chiseled, hollow guys with a six-pack: there are different types. With me it’s all about connection and attention.

Why women hire a gigolo

Who are the women who hire a gigolo, and what are they looking for in you?

Many women miss intimacy: in their relationship, or because they’re single. And that intimacy goes beyond sex. Sometimes it’s cuddling with your clothes on, or an intimate conversation about wishes and dreams. Once that foundation is there, sex sometimes comes into the picture on its own. The group is broad: from highly educated to “ordinary housewife”; from very successful in business to low income; from very polished to very average. Some women save for months for a date; others can book me for a weekend.

The reasons vary too:

For some women, dating is simply inefficient: a lot of time, a lot of disappointments, and little real intimacy.

Sometimes there’s love in a relationship, but the sex has disappeared. In a few cases the partner knows and is supportive; often not. That’s their choice; I’m not a relationship therapist and I don’t judge. What I do see is that many women have been unhappy for a long time and haven’t experienced intimacy in a long time.

Women after a divorce who want to choose themselves again.

Women looking for specific experiences, for example a safe exploration of BDSM or power exchange.

What almost all of them are looking for: someone who understands them, values female sexuality, and with whom they can express their desires without shame.

To what extent is your work about sex, and to what extent about intimacy and emotional connection?

For me it’s roughly 30% physical and 70% emotional. Sometimes a date is even just cuddling, listening, and attention, and that’s exactly what someone needs. When there is sex, it’s about much more than “the act”: being desired, being seen as a woman, having your desires taken seriously, and being touched with attention. Many women tell me they miss that in their relationships, because there’s too little time or attunement.

And sometimes it’s just light: fun, excitement, eroticism. Not every date has to be deep or “therapeutic.” Sometimes someone just wants to enjoy themselves without a big story. That’s allowed too.

What role do listening, attention, and presence play in your work?

That’s the foundation. Without attention there’s no connection, and without connection I find it less meaningful myself. That’s also why I call them “dates”: words like “sessions” or “bookings” don’t do the interaction justice. In my work as a psychotherapist I learned to listen in order to understand, not to react. And I’m fully present: no phone, no rush, no distraction.

What do you often hear women say they miss in other relationships or situations?

Many women miss being genuinely listened to, and having attention paid to their experience. They often say: “I finally felt seen.” Beyond that, they miss being desired, room to voice their wishes without judgment, and a safe place to share fantasies without fear of rejection. Some women also miss a form of guidance or dominance (in the broad sense) that their partner doesn’t have or doesn’t want, sometimes with the partner’s knowledge.

Taboo, shame, and desire

Why do you think female desire is still so loaded?

I think it’s cultural. For centuries women were taught to control their sexuality, or to hide it. Even now, people (and men especially) sometimes react strongly when a woman openly shows her sensuality. On top of that there’s still a double standard: a lot of sexual experience makes a man “a stud,” but a woman gets judged more quickly. Sex toys have only been normalized relatively recently; paid intimacy is still extra taboo. In dating you also often see that men take the initiative and women select from what’s “on offer,” which means women get less used to actively choosing.

Do you notice women feeling ashamed or apologizing when they get in touch?

Almost always. That first message is often nerve-racking. Many women write things like: “I don’t know if this is normal,” or: “I’ve written and deleted this message ten times.” That shame is often there before they send: in their heads. Once they notice that I respond calmly and normally, it fades fast. Many women read the reviews on my website first; that helps them form a picture of my energy and approach. Over the course of the conversation, “sorry” often shifts to “thank you.” So I regularly tell them: you don’t have to apologize for your feelings or desires. They’re allowed to exist.

Do you think women are emancipated in this area?

Not fully. Men are quicker to bring in help for their needs; women often find it “weird” to be open about their desires. I also meet highly educated, powerful women who negotiate effortlessly in business, but find it nerve-racking to say concretely in bed what they want. The good news: many women do learn this, step by step.

What would you say to women who want this, but think: this isn’t right, or I don’t dare?

Your desires aren’t strange or wrong; they’re human. The question is often: what’s the worst that can happen if you do explore it, and what’s the worst that can happen if you never explore it? People more often regret what they didn’t do. “It isn’t right” is interesting: who decided that, and why? If two adults want something, it’s safe, and no one is harmed, then why shouldn’t it be allowed? I used to be so insecure that I didn’t dare talk to girls; that cost me joy in life. Life became much richer when I let that go. I want women to have that room too.

How a date goes

Can you describe how a meeting with you usually goes, from first contact to goodbye? And how long does an average date last?

It usually starts through my website with a message or a text. That’s often a big step in itself. After that comes attunement: what does someone want to experience, what are her boundaries, wishes, concerns, and pace. We text to feel out whether there’s a click. If there isn’t, we don’t meet, no pressure. Then we settle the date, location, and price. The price is clear up front, so there are no surprises.

During the date, the first step is to land: something to drink, talking, letting the tension ease. There’s no rush and no obligation. After that we slowly build up physical contact, step by step, with continuous check-ins. Afterward we also take time to land: cuddling, savoring, no “time’s up, out the door.” With longer dates that can be the same evening, or only the next morning after sleeping together. On average a date lasts 4 to 5 hours. Shorter (2 hours, say) is possible, but many women find that more time gives more calm and connection. For couples, 2 hours is more often enough, depending on what they want.

Aftercare is part of it: in the days that follow I check in on how someone is feeling and whether she’s settling back nicely into daily life.

How different is a date like that from what people often imagine?

Many people think of quick, transactional sex. In my work it’s actually about connection, attention, and energy, and that makes any sex more intense. Because I’m a psychotherapist, the conversation sometimes gains depth on its own. I want to empower women through communication and attunement. The sexual dynamic is different too: it’s not about performance or “having to,” but about pleasure, curiosity, and safety. There can be laughter, and there can be emotion. Everything is allowed, nothing is required.

What agreements do you make beforehand to get expectations clear?

I ask why someone is getting in touch and what she wants to experience. We discuss boundaries and consent (what is and isn’t okay). I’m clear about safe sex: penetration always with a condom; there’s no discussion about that. With BDSM wishes we work with extra attunement (wishes, boundaries, stop signals). Beyond that we settle the practical things: location, date, time, and price agreed up front.

How important is clarity in that first phase?

Very important. Clarity and expectations create safety; without safety, surrender is hard. I once even had a date where, as a joke, we made a kind of “project plan” with expectations. That turned out to feel incredibly safe and clarifying. Many women never learned to say a clear “yes” or “no.” Practicing that, sometimes already during the texting, often brings personal growth.

Location & setting

Where do you usually meet?

In a hotel or at the woman’s home, sometimes at another agreed location. A hotel is booked by the woman; that gives her extra control too. Sometimes we meet in public (a walk, a museum, a restaurant, say) as part of the date.

Who decides the location, and how much say does the woman have in it?

The woman decides this entirely. Hotel, home, or something else. She chooses. I never meet at my own home.

Why is the setting so important for relaxation and trust?

Because setting gives control. When she chooses the surroundings, it feels safer and more predictable. Safety is the foundation of relaxation.

Do you notice a difference in how women behave depending on the surroundings?

At home, associations can come into play (daily life, the past, family). That can inhibit or, on the contrary, feel safe. In a hotel women often feel looser: neutral ground, fewer “roles,” easier to shift into a different energy.

Anonymity & discretion

Do you both stay anonymous?

In principle, yes. I don’t need to know her identity, and she doesn’t necessarily need to know mine. Some women share more; that’s allowed, but not required. I am open about my home situation and background, because I want to be honest about who I am.

Why is anonymity important for many women?

Anonymity gives control: she decides what she does and doesn’t share. It protects against gossip or worries about being recognized. For women the stigma is often bigger than for men. On top of that, I also work with clients who are well known; that’s why my photo isn’t public on my website.

How do you ensure discretion before, during, and after a meeting?

Discretion is the foundation. I never share details. I’m not conspicuous in dress or behavior. We don’t take photos; if she wants photos, then with her device. If I happen to run into someone, I let her take the lead: greet or not.

Do you think anonymity actually gives women more freedom?

Yes. It creates room to express desires without roles, expectations, or “masks.” That can be liberating.

Safety & trust

Safety is essential for women: how do you make sure a woman feels safe?

We only do what she wants. She’s in control, even when she chooses to hand that over to me temporarily. Physically: safe sex, regular testing, condom policy, stop is always stop. Immediately, no discussion. Emotionally: no judgment, room to name anything. Aftercare: landing calmly afterward and check-ins in the days that follow.

What concrete steps do you take to build trust before a meeting?

Taking time. Not pushing. Answering questions. Direct contact with me, not through an agency. Reviews help women form a picture, but the most important thing is how I respond in the conversation. I also listen to intuition: if something doesn’t feel right, we talk about it, and sometimes meeting in person just isn’t the right moment yet.

How do you handle doubts, nerves, or last-minute changes?

Doubts and nerves are normal. I name it too: almost everyone is nervous before a first date. Last-minute changes can happen; I respond calmly to that. No blame, no pressure. Sometimes “now” isn’t the right moment, and that’s okay. During a date, too, someone can stop; that’s sacred.

How do you guard boundaries, hers as well as your own?

I actively guard her boundaries through attunement, forms, and check-ins. Sometimes I flip the dynamic and only take initiative on what she has explicitly indicated. So that she doesn’t have to say “no,” but can mostly choose “yes.” My boundaries are clear (no sex without a condom, for instance). And I only meet when there’s a real click.

Consent, power, and control

What does consent mean to you in practice?

Consent is continuous attunement: touching, kissing, pace. Everything. “No” is completely okay. I also watch for the difference between an “enthusiastic yes” and an “oh, all right then.” For me what counts most is enthusiastic consent. Consent can always be withdrawn; what was okay yesterday doesn’t have to be today.

People often talk about power in sex. How do you see that within your work?

This is complex. In “vanilla” sex, power patterns are often implicit; in BDSM they’re made more explicit. For me there’s always equality: two adults choosing roles they enjoy. In BDSM it can look as if the dominant has the “power,” but the reality is that the submissive sets the frame through boundaries, stopping, and wishes. Her boundaries are law. A true dominant creates safety and stability; no coercion, no anger.

Can you explain why booking a gigolo is, for some women, actually a form of control and autonomy?

She chooses the terms: who, where, when, how. No hidden agendas, no negotiating over someone’s ego, no social pressure. Many women experience it as healing: “I’m finally choosing myself.” Practically too: if she wants me to go, that can happen without guilt or fuss. And she doesn’t have to “make sure” the other person enjoys it. It’s about her.

When do you notice a woman really taking control of her own wishes?

When the apologies disappear and she dares to name more explicitly what she wants. Often that happens during the texting already, sometimes through images or examples that help her recognize her desire. The language becomes more direct, less “wrapped.” That’s often a sign of freedom.

Appearance & attraction

Do women know beforehand what you look like?

Yes. Early in the contact I ask whether she wants photos or would rather keep it mysterious. Most women want a few photos, and I get that. I deliberately have no photo on my website, for discretion.

How important is appearance for female clients, in your experience?

For many women, connection, presence, and intellectual and emotional contact weigh more heavily than a “perfect” body. Grooming and attractiveness do matter, but not as the only criterion. Women who go purely for looks often choose someone else, and that’s fine.

Why is it important for women to know exactly who they’re meeting beforehand?

Uncertainty can feel unsafe. Women are also often warned about strange men; asking questions helps form a realistic picture. Reviews from other women contribute to that too.

What does attraction mean to you, and does it go beyond appearance alone?

What draws me most is presence: energy, being there, authenticity, playfulness, communication. For me a photo isn’t about “good-looking,” but about presence. If I don’t feel any attraction, I don’t meet. I don’t want to fake anything; you get the real me.

Vulnerability & insecurity

What questions, insecurities, or fears do you hear most often from women?

Questions like: “Do you find me attractive?”, “Am I too old, too fat, too boring?”, “Are my desires normal?”, “What if I can’t relax?”, “Is it bad that I’m paying for this?” Then I try to normalize it: almost everyone has insecurities, even people who look very self-assured on the outside. I meet women of all ages and backgrounds; there’s nothing “weird” about desire.

How do you handle vulnerability?

I find it valuable when someone shares it. Showing vulnerability takes courage. I create a safe space: no judgment, staying present, letting the emotion exist. Tears aren’t weak; they show that something moves you. Sometimes I show my own humanity too, when something moves me.

What does your work teach you about female desires that are rarely spoken aloud?

That many women have fantasies they never dare to speak. Not even to a partner. And that there are often unfulfilled desires, sometimes after disappointing or bad experiences, which leave women thinking: “Good sex isn’t in the cards for me, isn’t available to me, isn’t possible for me.” Many women discover that, when there’s attention and attunement, their body responds differently than they thought. I also often see a desire to let go of control, especially in women who carry a lot of responsibility in daily life. And a strong desire for unhurried sensuality: touch, stroking, holding, closeness.

Feminism & empowerment

Do you see your work as feminist or not?

Yes, in the sense of equal: not “the same,” but of equal worth. Roles can differ, but worth doesn’t. To me feminism also means: women who have control over their body and their life, without male approval. When a woman invests in her sexual wellbeing on her terms, I see that as autonomy.

When do you experience a woman leaving stronger or more self-assured than she came in?

Often I only notice it later, in the follow-up. Women will say, for instance: “I didn’t know it could feel this good.” I also hear back that they’re calmer, set clearer boundaries, are less on edge. Sometimes they notice that the people around them respond differently too. I find that special to hear.

What does sexual autonomy mean to you?

That you decide for yourself with whom, how, where, and when you experience intimacy and sexuality. Without having to justify yourself. You may say yes without shaming. You may say no without discussion. And you may choose what suits you, from cuddling to eroticism, from conversation to experiment, as long as it’s safe and consensual.

How can openness about services like this contribute to the empowerment of women?

Through normalization. Openness gives women language, permission, and examples. Just as therapy was once taboo and now often stands for self-development. When women can say without shame: “I booked a gigolo,” and the people around them respond supportively, that makes the path easier for others. Every woman who shares her story lowers the threshold.

The social picture

What goes wrong in how sex work and gigolos are often portrayed in the media?

It’s often framed as either sensational or problematic: as if it’s always exploitation. While there are also people who do this work voluntarily and professionally. On top of that, advertising is difficult and there’s a lot of stigma on it. Whereas the reality is often more nuanced than the public image.

What do you miss in the public conversation about female desire?

That it’s allowed to exist, and that women may actively seek fulfillment. Including through paid, consensual options when a partner or dating doesn’t bring what they need. Also: that fantasies can differ from someone’s “daytime role,” without that saying anything about someone’s worth or character.

Personal reflection

Have you had moments where you doubted this work, morally, emotionally, or personally?

Yes, I’ve definitely had those moments, especially at the start. Not so much morally in the sense of “is this allowed?”, but more: can I carry this? Can I really handle the responsibility that comes with such vulnerable and intimate contact?

I’ve deliberately applied a lot of self-reflection to that, also from my background as a psychotherapist. The conclusion was always: as long as it’s voluntary, transparent, with clear boundaries, consent, and aftercare, it feels honest to me.

Emotionally I’ve also had to learn to guard my energy well. Not every meeting is light or simple. Sometimes a story touches me, or it resonates with my own past. That’s exactly when it helps that I know myself well, guard my boundaries, and take enough room to discharge and recover.

I don’t see doubt as something negative, but as a form of working conscientiously. It forces me to stay sharp, to look at myself honestly, and to do this work only as long as it feels good for me and for the women I meet.

What has this work taught you about yourself?

That my past and my background are my strength. And, honestly, that I add more value than I used to think. I also realize I have little ego and am a calm, stable person. Everything I can do now, I learned. I know what it’s like to be shy and what it’s like to grow through it. I’ve learned not to wait until later, but to enjoy the now. Regardless of what others think of it.

Has it changed your view of relationships, intimacy, or love?

Yes. I used to think intimacy could only be “real” within a relationship. Now I see that intimacy takes many forms. It can last a lifetime, but it can also feel deep and real in a single evening. My own relationship has grown stronger; I’m married to a woman I’m very much on the same page with. It’s also made me more aware of how often attunement, attention, and emotional availability are missing in relationships.

How do you take care of your own mental and emotional balance?

By setting boundaries: I’d rather have few, high-quality dates. I choose deliberately. Beyond that, I recharge through writing (books), silence, meditation, time with my wife, and also through hobbies like riding my motorcycle.

In closing

What do you hope female readers take away from this interview?

That your desires are normal and worth exploring. You’re not “too old,” “too much,” “too kinky,” “not good enough.” You’re a woman with needs that are allowed to exist. Your choices don’t require approval. If something is structurally missing in your life or relationship, you’re allowed to look for solutions. Choosing your own pleasure can be a form of self-care. Booking a gigolo isn’t weakness, it’s a deliberate choice.

What message deserves more room in conversations about sex, freedom, and choice?

Female sexuality isn’t a problem to be “solved”; it’s a strength to embrace. And: professional sex workers and gigolos can be, for some women, a meaningful, safe route to reconnection, self-knowledge, and pleasure. Alongside or instead of conventional solutions.

If one of our readers has grown curious: where can she find you?

On my website: https://gigolo-victor.com. There’s more there about my background and how I work. You can send me a message; also if you just have questions or are simply curious. I’m working on a book, Verborgen Verlangens (Hidden Desires), about the transformative experiences of women who choose themselves.

Does it always go well? Or do you sometimes have dates that fall short?

Generally it goes smoothly. I once had a date where the click on arrival turned out not to be there; she got her money back. That’s rare, because I attune a lot beforehand. Sometimes someone is so nervous that relaxing is hard; then we focus on that. Nothing is required. If something isn’t working, we talk. Without shame or guilt. If I don’t feel a click, I say so honestly and kindly. It’s not about looks, but about energy and match. If someone wants, I’ll sometimes look into whether I know someone who’s a better fit.

Does the intimacy feel different because the woman is paying for it?

That’s a logical question. Some people think: “Then it’s not real.” But my experience is that it’s actually authentic. Because I do this work because I enjoy it, and because I only meet when there’s a click. If I don’t like someone, I don’t meet. Not even for a higher rate. The money moment (the envelope) can feel a little awkward for a second; after that the transactional part is over and it feels like an ordinary date. With regular dates there are often hidden expectations (who pays, what “has to” happen). With me the agreements are clear: she pays for my time and attention, and she decides what happens within that time. That can actually bring calm and real intimacy. I also notice that, for some women, paying paradoxically strengthens autonomy: they have to “take care of” the other person less and give themselves more permission to receive.