Blog
Sexless relationship: problems and how a gigolo helps
Sexless relationship: the problems, and how a gigolo can help
A sexless relationship is one where there has been little or no sex for a long time, often fewer than ten times a year. You are not broken, and your relationship doesn’t have to be either. Usually your desire hasn’t disappeared, it has fallen asleep, and with the right touch, time and safety it comes back more often than you think.
What is a sexless relationship?
A sexless relationship is one where the sex has largely or completely fallen away. Sexologists often put the line around fewer than ten times a year, though that number says less than the feeling behind it.
Usually it wasn’t a decision. It is something that happened slowly, without anyone ever saying it out loud. It often goes together with a difference in desire between two people, and it looks a lot like what others call a sexless marriage.
You recognize it in small things. The touch that quietly slipped away. The moment you both linger a little longer on your phone. The silence that no longer turns into something else by itself.
Why does the sex fade in a relationship?
The sex rarely disappears in one go. It fades when there is nothing on the other side of it for a long time.
For most women, desire doesn’t come first, it comes along the way. Your body isn’t waiting for a spark out of nowhere, it responds to touch, attention and calm. That is called responsive desire, and it means the wanting often arrives after something has begun, not before. So anyone waiting until they feel like it before doing anything is waiting for something that only shows up after the first step.
Then life piles on top of it. Stress, busyness, kids, bad sleep. A body that belongs to everyone all day and has nothing left to give by evening.
And there is something quieter. When asking keeps leading nowhere, you stop asking. That isn’t unwillingness, it is a sensible adjustment. The switch isn’t broken, it is turned off. And a switch that is off goes back on the moment the situation changes.
What does a sexless relationship do to you?
A sexless relationship does something to your self-worth. You start to feel unwanted, sometimes even invisible, as if you as a woman are slowly slipping out of view.
Women often turn inward about it. Research into difference in desire shows that it is usually they who blame themselves and think something is wrong with them. While it happens to a huge number of couples, and rarely comes down to one person.
At the same time, distance grows. Research from the University of Waterloo among more than a thousand couples shows that a bigger difference in desire goes together with less satisfaction and more conflict. The relationship gets shakier for it. The sex that fell away often takes a piece of closeness with it.
What women miss most then is not the sex itself. It is the feeling of being seen. One woman I met put it like this afterward:
I didn’t know what to expect when I reached out to you, but what you gave me was more than I could ever have thought. You were more tender than I could have imagined, more understanding, more caring, more genuine. I felt so seen and so heard and so cared for.
Rachel
What can you do about it together?
Start by naming it, not by fixing it. Most couples never talk about the sex that fell away, precisely because it is so tender. One honest conversation, without blame, often does more than a year of waiting.
After that it helps to flip the order: touch first, desire second. Not the other way around.
| What helps | What works against it |
|---|---|
| Touch without sex having to follow | Waiting until desire shows up on its own |
| Taking plenty of time, a whole evening | A quick attempt squeezed in between everything |
| Staying curious about what you both want | Pretending everything is still the same |
| Seeking out a little tension, trying something new | Staying stuck in the old routine |
Sometimes that is enough, and it gets going again together. Sometimes it doesn’t, for instance when your desires lie too far apart or the other one won’t take that step. Then you are left with the question of what to do with your own desire.
How can a gigolo help with a sexless relationship?
A gigolo doesn’t fix your relationship. What a gigolo can do is let you feel that your desire is still there.
That works because there is no one else who wants something too. You don’t have to satisfy anyone, you don’t have to give anything back, and there is no morning after where everything gets complicated again. The whole evening goes one way: toward you.
I take plenty of time for it. The first hour often goes to landing, to finding calm, to getting used to touch again. That isn’t lost time, it is the run-up. Nothing has to happen, an orgasm least of all. We talk beforehand about what you want and where your limit is, and you go as gently as feels right to you.
For many women it isn’t about the sex itself, but about the feeling that comes back. That they are seen as a woman again. Maud wrote about it like this:
Not just plain hard sex but intimacy from connection, touch, caressing etc. From this safety I got to experience really beautiful (read: delicious) new things in bed. Experiences that make me feel like a woman again, feel sexy, feel naughty.
Maud
If it is mostly about being held and getting used to skin again, have a look at touch and skin hunger. If you are looking for a whole evening together without anything having to happen, intimate togetherness is closer.
Is seeing a gigolo cheating?
That isn’t mine to decide, that is between you and your partner. Some women come with their partner’s knowledge, sometimes even with his blessing. Others are already apart in everything but name. And others make a choice they knowingly stand behind on their own.
What I can tell you: I judge no one, and what you tell me stays with me. Discretion isn’t an extra, it is the basis.
Where do you start?
Small. Not with a date, but with a conversation. One message or one phone call tells you more about whether this fits you than another evening of mulling it over.
You are committed to nothing. We talk, you feel whether it clicks, and only then do you decide. How that goes, I explain at a conversation first.
How it can feel when you take that step, Lune said better than I can:
Due to circumstances I hadn’t been able to do anything with sexuality and intimacy in recent years. I no longer felt whole. Because of him I’m whole again. I’m so grateful to him for that.
Lune
A sexless relationship says nothing about how much woman is still in you. She is still there, exactly as always. Sometimes she just needs someone who takes the time to wake her back up.