Anna is Married to a gigolo #5: ‘I can’t deny my jealousy’

Talking to your partner about jealousy often feels scary. Still, saying it out loud brings relief, and it creates room. Do it calmly, without blame, and simply name what is going on inside you. Anna bottles up her jealousy about Victor’s dates with Bianca for a long time. When she finally speaks it out loud, he reassures her and the calm returns.

This column first appeared on &C.

Anna has been carrying jealous feelings around Victor’s date with Bianca for a while now. After their second meeting, she decides to have the conversation with him. And she finds that so nerve-wracking…

I sit down with Victor on the couch. This is one of those moments I really do not want to have together. I was so convinced this would never happen. And yet I can no longer deny it, the jealousy I feel. I take a deep breath and start the conversation. ‘Sweetheart, I’m having a hard time with your dates with Bianca. I notice it is making me jealous,’ I blurt out. My heart is pounding in my throat and I nervously tap my foot against the floor. ‘You get this sparkle in your eyes every time you see her, and you were so set on that second date. I just notice my insecurity rearing its head.’

While I nervously tell my story, he listens closely to me. Victor does not interrupt me once and lets me finish until I have said everything I wanted to say. ‘What makes you insecure?’ he wants to know. ‘I think it is my fear that I am somehow not enough for you. That I cannot give you what you need,’ I say while staring at the floor. The moment I lift my head, I see Victor looking at me tenderly. ‘There has honestly never been a woman I fit with as well as I do with you. I do not know anyone else I match with so completely on an emotional, intellectual and sexual level,’ he says. And then, laughing: ‘And you know I have plenty to compare it to.’

Yes, I do know that. I know how many dates and relationships he had before we became a couple. There were really a lot of them, and he never married any of them. He did marry me. I feel room opening up again. I tell him about the part where he plays rougher, and there too he reassures me. ‘It is fun to do that now and then, but that is not what BDSM revolves around for me,’ he says. ‘For me, BDSM is playing at the edge of the other person, and that is where I get my pleasure and excitement.’

I also mention that I notice he is away more and more often, at least once a week these past weeks. For me that is just a little too often. He immediately checks his calendar and starts moving appointments around. Early in his career as a gigolo, he said this would never come between us. ‘Because you are far too important to me for that.’ How wonderful it is to feel now that he means it. That he adjusts his schedule for it, understands how it can be for me, and acknowledges it. This is so healing.

To be continued.