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Glossary
Desire discrepancy
Not who wants too much or too little, but the gap between, and why that gap is completely ordinary.
What is desire discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy (Dutch: discrepant verlangen) is the difference in how much appetite for sex two partners have. One wants it more often, or differently, than the other, and it is that difference, not the amount itself, where it chafes. It is one of the most reported reasons couples turn to a sex therapist.
| Dutch term | discrepant verlangen |
| What it is | the difference in sexual desire between two partners |
| Where it sits | in the difference itself, not in a ‘too high’ or ‘too low’ libido |
| How common | one of the most reported problems seen by sex therapists |
| Related to | libido and the sexual response cycle |
| Key insight | a difference in desire is ordinary; how you handle it makes the difference |
How desire falls out of step
Desire is not a fixed value, and that it rarely stands equal between two people is the rule rather than the exception. Appetite ebbs and flows, by day, by phase, by state of mind, and one person responds spontaneously where the other only warms up once something happens. The problem does not come from that difference, but from what you read into it: that the other person doesn’t want you, or that something is wrong with you.
Research shows that the direction of the difference plays a part. Kristen Mark and Sarah Murray found in 133 couples that a larger difference in desire was linked to less sexual satisfaction in women, but not in men, even after they factored out relationship satisfaction. So it is not about the gap alone. Which person is on which side counts too.
What desire discrepancy does to a relationship
A difference in desire weighs heavily because it feels so personal, and that explains why it lands in the consulting room so often. The encyclopedia states that problems with sexual desire are the most reported complaint among couples seeking help, and at the same time have long been the hardest to treat. What it does not mean: that the click is gone. Laura Vowels and Kristen Mark call a difference in desire one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy, and treat it as an ordinary feature of longer relationships, not as a defect. The difference is the starting point of a conversation, not the end of something.
What you can do about it
The way you handle the difference determines whether it drives you apart or not. Vowels and Mark mapped out what people do, and which approach works out better.
- Say it out loud. Naming the difference is itself one of the most cited strategies, and it takes away the silent conclusion (‘I’m not attractive anymore’).
- Where you can, choose an approach you do together. Vowels and Mark found that joint strategies were linked to more sexual and relationship satisfaction than strategies you handle on your own.
- Know that there are more paths than ‘sex or no sex’. Getting yourself off, choosing a different form of intimacy or sometimes deliberately doing nothing for a while are all cited ways of dealing with it.
- Don’t confuse responsive desire with no desire. Someone who only gets in the mood during sex instead of by thinking about it doesn’t have a broken libido, just a different way in.
- Seek help if it gets stuck. If it keeps chafing and starts to gnaw at your relationship, a sex therapist is exactly there for that.
Misconceptions about desire discrepancy
“The one with less appetite has a problem.” Not necessarily. Desire discrepancy sits in the difference between two people, not in either one. Put the same person next to someone else, and the ‘problem’ is gone.
“A difference in desire means the click is gone.” Wrong, and this misconception is the one that does the most damage. A difference in appetite occurs in almost every longer relationship and says nothing in itself about love or attraction.
“More appetite is always healthier.” Also no. It is not about a high or low number, but about two people who are out of step and looking for a form that fits.
What I see of it myself
I’m Victor, a gigolo, and some of the women who book me do so because things no longer match at home. Sometimes their own appetite is bigger than their partner’s, sometimes the other way around, and there is almost always shame around it that does not need to be there.
What strikes me every time: the moment the difference gets a name, the tension drops. Not because the difference disappears, but because it stops being an accusation. It is no longer proof that something is wrong, just a fact you can work with.
And I hear this often: that the calm of not having to do anything brings desire back sooner than it takes it away. Pressure is the biggest enemy of appetite, and that holds on both sides of the difference.
More reading on desire discrepancy
On this site, libido covers desire itself and where it comes from, the dual control model explains why one person catches faster than another, and the sexual response cycle places desire in the larger arc of arousal.
Beyond this site, the review article by Vowels and Mark is the best starting point: it shows which strategies couples use and which of them work best.
Sources
- Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships. Laura M. Vowels & Kristen P. Mark, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2020. Backs up the finding that a difference in desire is one of the most common reasons to seek therapy, the strategies named, and that joint strategies are linked to more satisfaction than individual ones.
- Gender differences in desire discrepancy as a predictor of sexual and relationship satisfaction. Kristen P. Mark & Sarah H. Murray, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 38(2), 2012. Backs up the finding in 133 couples that a larger difference in desire was linked to less sexual satisfaction in women, not in men.
- Desire discrepancy. Wikipedia. Backs up the finding that problems with sexual desire are the most reported complaint among couples seeking sex-therapy help.
Related terms
- Libido. Desire itself, of which desire discrepancy describes the difference between two people.
- Sexual response cycle. The arc of arousal in which desire is the first step.
- Dual control model. The model that explains why one person gets aroused or brakes faster than another.
- Dead bedroom. Where a long-term difference in desire sometimes ends up: a relationship that becomes (almost) sexless.
- Coolidge effect. How novelty rekindles desire, something that can widen the difference within a relationship.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about desire discrepancy.
What is desire discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy is the difference in how much appetite for sex two partners have. One wants it more often or differently than the other, and it is that difference where it chafes, not the amount itself. It is one of the most reported reasons couples turn to a sex therapist.
Is a difference in desire normal?
Yes, a difference in desire occurs in almost every longer relationship. Vowels and Mark treat it as an ordinary feature of relationships, not as a defect. It says nothing in itself about love or attraction; how you handle it makes the difference.
What helps with desire discrepancy?
Talking about it helps the most, and where you can, an approach you choose together. Vowels and Mark found that joint strategies were linked to more sexual and relationship satisfaction than what you handle on your own. If it keeps chafing, a sex therapist is exactly there for that.
Who can you turn to with questions about desire discrepancy?
With Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He often sees women whose appetite does not match at home and talks it through without judgment. For a situation that is truly stuck, a sex therapist can help. Reach him through the contact form or free chat.
Blog
Articles about desire and intimacy
This page gives the term and the research. These articles cover how desire, attention and closeness feel in practice and what calm does with that.
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Still have questions about desire discrepancy?
I'm Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. If appetite does not match at home, I'll talk it through without judgment. Ask your question with no strings attached, no obligation, I'll message you back at your own pace.