Mariska regularly meets a gigolo

This story first appeared in Vriendin.

Mariska (43) was abused as a child. As a grown woman she was never able to enjoy sex. Thanks to her meetings with a gigolo, for the first time in her life she can enjoy intimacy and her own body.

“I grew up in an unsafe home. My father struggled with addictions and my mother was autistic. Not a great match, in other words. In the end the relationship fell apart and they divorced. Because my mother and I didn’t get along, I went to live with my father. I was about fourteen when my father assaulted me for the first time. While kids my age were developing their own sexuality, mine was abruptly disrupted by the abusive behaviour of the one person who should have been my safe haven, namely my father. After that first time, he assaulted me several more times. At some point my resistance won out over my shame and I reported it. Because our family was already under supervision, I was taken out of the home fairly soon after. For a while I stayed in a residential treatment group, and then I was placed with a foster family. I did feel safe there, but it never really became a ‘home’ for me. As soon as I could, I was just over seventeen, I moved out on my own. After everything that had happened, I needed my own place. A base from which I could start building my own life. I ended up with a couple who rented out rooms in their own house. I was young, of course, and terribly vulnerable after everything I had already been through. The male owner of my new home took advantage of that. And this time it didn’t stop at an assault, I was raped. Because I already had a history of abuse, this hit me twice as hard. Yet again someone who didn’t respect my boundaries. How was I supposed to build a healthy image of men and sexuality, now that I’d already had so many bad experiences?”

Therapy

“I married young. I met my partner while I was staying in the treatment group for a while. Just after I turned 21, we tied the knot. We never had an amazing sex life. Right at the very start, before I was raped, we did have nice, intimate contact. But I was still so young then and the relationship was still so new, you’re discovering everything very cautiously. Everything is new and exciting, and there was no real sex life yet. And it was exactly when that started to become more of a thing that I was raped. After that my whole body locked up. I had so much trauma stored in my body that I didn’t like being touched. We had sex, but I didn’t enjoy it. I did set to work on coming to terms with my history of abuse. I had therapy and did several EMDR sessions. That helped me enormously. The trauma is still there, but it no longer controls my life.”

Skin hunger

“Because at a certain point we weren’t able to get pregnant, an intensive IVF process followed, in which we had to avoid or, on the contrary, make sure to have sex at set times. The last bit of spontaneity vanished from our sex life.
A few years ago I went through a serious depression. And whenever I really don’t feel good in my own skin, I get a craving for fries with lots of mayo. During my depression I snacked a lot and put on quite a bit of weight. My husband is disgusted by overweight people and has been constantly pushing me to lose weight ever since. ‘Come on, Mariska, should you really be eating that? Are you going to the gym a second time this week?’ It drives me crazy, and at the same time I feel ashamed of my fuller body. I don’t dare undress in front of my husband. By now we don’t have sex at all anymore.
I’ve overcome my depression and I feel good mentally. As a result my need for physical contact has come back to life too. I simply have real skin hunger, as they call it. The idea of hiring a man had already crossed my mind a few times. Still, it’s not something you just casually do. I was ashamed of my need for intimacy. I was also raised Christian. That plays no part in my life now, but even so you carry certain norms and values with you into adulthood. Sex with a stranger, and certainly when you’re married, is not done. On top of that, I didn’t even know whether I’d dare let a stranger touch me. Because of my history of abuse, I still don’t find touch pleasant. So I decided to park the idea of hiring a gigolo for a bit and first book an extensive beauty treatment. That way a stranger touches you too. I liked that just fine, so I went a step further and booked a massage. Against all expectations, I enjoyed the massage as well. I could actually relax, which I usually find hard. With these two positive experiences under my belt, that little voice came up again… shall I? After a lot of doubting, I took the plunge: I’m just going to do it, I’m going to hire a gigolo!”

Enriching

“The first time I met a gigolo I was terribly nervous. I had booked a hotel on the other side of the country, so I’d be sure not to run into anyone I knew. Before the gigolo arrived, I took a long shower in my hotel room. I had bought myself pretty lingerie, I took my time to scrub my skin and rub in a lovely scented body lotion, and I put on some make-up. By busying myself with so much love and attention, I relaxed. Normally I never wore make-up, showering was always quick-quick, and sexy sets of lingerie? Oh no, not for me! Now, for the first time in ages, I felt like a woman. The gigolo and I had agreed to have a drink in the hotel lobby first, so we could get to know each other a little. Actually, we clicked straight away. After our drink we went upstairs. The man was so calm, kind and understanding that I soon relaxed. And the sex was wonderful. For the first time in my life I could enjoy sex! That was such an enriching experience for me. In therapy I talked for hours to process my trauma. That was helpful, but no comparison to what this gave me. By being intimate in a safe setting with someone who is there solely for your pleasure, I had a good sexual experience for the first time. Whether I ultimately got more out of my gigolo than out of the string of psychologists? You could definitely say that, yes. That’s also why I’m sharing my story. There are a great many women with a history of abuse. A meeting with a gigolo really can help you get closer to yourself. To let in more of your feelings and, step by step, let those carefully built walls crumble. And, once those walls have crumbled, to set a positive sexual experience against them.”

Confidence

“Besides how wonderful it is to enjoy sex, I also learn a lot from the contact. My confidence has grown enormously. As a woman you may know that your femininity doesn’t depend on how many kilos you weigh, yet knowing is something very different from experiencing it. My body can give me so much pleasure that I’ve naturally come to appreciate it more. What I just told you, that I crave fries when I feel bad, I don’t have that anymore. The fries craving is gone. It could well be that I’ve lost some weight because of it, but the beautiful thing is that I’m far less focused on that. I feel like a woman and I radiate it too. I think my husband does notice something about me. A few months ago he’d been away for a weekend for work, and when he came home he wanted to cuddle me again for the first time in a long while. I have no idea whether it’s because I’m more open to intimacy or because he feels more attracted to me by the way I carry myself. But we both liked it a lot. Who knows, maybe my dates with a gigolo have even more positive effects! The only downside of making love with a gigolo is… that it’s addictive. I’ve now booked a man three times, and in a week’s time I have another appointment. I’m already really looking forward to it. My husband knows nothing. And I’d like to keep it that way. I’m sure we’d split up if he did know. We don’t talk about such intimate subjects anyway. My husband knows I was abused in my youth, but we never really discuss it. Whether it’s shame or discomfort, I honestly don’t know. We’re both introverts and so not talkers. Does he miss sex? No idea. We don’t talk about that either. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, I think, if he found an outlet for his sexuality elsewhere. I just don’t need to know about it.”

Marriage

“My husband is a lovely, kind and stable partner and a good father to our daughter. It’s only when it comes to sex that we don’t connect. For me that’s no reason to end a good relationship.
Visiting a gigolo like this does cost money, yes. My husband earns well, there’s enough money. I’ve told him I see a psychologist. For that I withdraw seventy euros every week. I save that up to pay for my gigolo visits.
Of course I can’t keep seeing a psychologist until the end of time, so at some point it will stop. Then that’s how it is. When it stops, I’ll look back on a number of wonderfully enjoyable and enriching encounters that have taken me further than a course of psychological treatment ever could. Beyond that, I don’t feel the need to start a relationship with another man. Not even one that’s just for the sex. A visit to a gigolo is a business transaction. No emotions or feelings are involved. That way it never gets complicated or unpleasant. I don’t want anything or anyone else to come between my husband and me. Our marriage is too precious to me for that.”

This story was published in “Mijn Geheim” (My Secret). It isn’t about Victor, but it shows beautifully and powerfully how much a woman can grow on a personal level.