Maud met a gigolo: ‘Instantly I thought: I want more’

Seeing a gigolo after a narcissistic relationship can be a safe way to rebuild intimacy, at your own pace and with someone who respects your boundaries. Maud was left with a lot of insecurity and a fear of sex by her ex. Her date with Victor gave her back her confidence and her desire for sex.

This interview first appeared on &C.

Maud has been single for a year and a half when her need for intimacy starts to grow again. But honestly, the dating stories she hears around her give her goosebumps. On top of that, her last relationship left her with a lot of insecurity and sexual trauma, which makes getting to know someone spontaneously complicated. Then she gets an idea: a gigolo.

Maud* (37): ‘My last relationship was not a good one. My ex had serious narcissistic traits and often played on my insecurity. When someone constantly talks you down, you feel worse and worse about yourself. The fact that we had just had a baby and I suddenly had a mother’s body made me even less confident. There was little intimacy, but when there was, he hurt me. I became afraid of sex. A year and a half ago I left him. The mental scars are still there, but the longer I stay single, the better I feel in my own skin. I am nowhere near ready for a new partner, but for a few months now I have felt a need for intimacy again. For touch. But yeah, I asked myself, how do I give shape to that? As a single mother I have little time for dating, and when I listen to the dating stories around me, I am not exactly eager either. I would have to explain all sorts of things to a new man, like how I still have to get used to my body and struggle with penetration. It would be nice to take the first steps in the sexual realm in a safe setting, with someone who understands me and listens to me. Once I have a bit more confidence, I will probably dare to date again. Maybe I would eventually even dare to give myself to someone in a relationship.’

Victor

‘I work in care and mental health, and through my work I know there are gigolos who offer special services to help people get over trauma. One evening, lying in bed, I just started googling. I quickly discovered there are an enormous number of kinds of gigolos. So many that it startled me for a moment. I saw all these profile photos of young, chiselled men and thought: no, that would only make me feel more insecure. At the same time, I stayed curious. A few days later I did another search and ended up on Victor’s site. He wrote that he could help women, was open to contact beforehand and wanted to plan a date ‘from that connection’. Plenty of people find it exciting to just meet up with someone out of the blue, but I could never do that. This suited me better. Still with some hesitation, I left my details on the site, after which Victor sent me a message.

Victor has a background in psychology, and I noticed that right away. With a few messages he managed to put me at ease. He asked what exactly I was looking for and whether we could be a match. He sent a photo of himself so I could judge whether there was any attraction. There was. For me that mostly comes down to the click I have with someone, but the fact that he looked nice helped. A playful, flirty contact got going about the date and what it would look like. What would I enjoy, and what not? He asked about my boundaries and invited me, if I wanted, to tell him what I had been through. I did, after which he stressed that my feelings were completely normal. When you have felt alone in your emotions for a long time, that is very reassuring to hear. In turn, I asked about his boundaries. I know what it is like when someone tramples over your boundaries, so how hypocritical would it be if I did not pay attention to his? Not every escort kisses, for example, but Victor does. We decided to plan a date. I love going to the spa, that is where I relax, so we booked a spa with a hotel overnight for a few weeks later.’

The date

‘When I painted my nails that morning, I was shaking with nerves. What have I gotten myself into now, was all I could think. What if he is not safe at all and ties me to the bed? And why did I want to go to the spa, where you have to undress right away? Once I arrived at the meeting place, I was still shaking. Victor showed up, and he was exactly the Victor from our conversations: he put me at ease straight away. Nothing has to happen, he said, everything is allowed. ‘And you are in charge.’ Because I was so nervous, I asked him to take the lead, and he suggested we eat something first. At the table we got talking. He was genuinely interested, asked all kinds of questions and was clearly skilled at reading between the lines. A little later in the spa, for instance, he wanted to fetch my glasses and towel for me. ‘No thanks,’ I said, because that made me uncomfortable. Gently he asked whether I had trouble accepting help. ‘Where does that come from?’ When someone sees through you like that, you feel seen as a person. As a woman. It made me quickly forget he was a gigolo and I was ‘the client’. Meanwhile we were touching each other more and more. Those touches built up to the moment we went to the hotel.

In the room Victor took all the time in the world. With every step he took, he checked whether it was okay. Intimacy was my goal, after all I wanted to experience that sex does not have to be painful, but I felt in everything: if it does not happen, that is okay too. It did happen, and thankfully it did not hurt. On the contrary: it felt so good. Victor clearly had experience in the sexual realm. The sex was absolutely not some routine to be ticked off, he knew what he was doing and how to make a woman feel seen in bed. The fact that he got aroused by me too gave me energy. It was exactly the safe setting I had hoped for, in which, after a very long time, I felt sensual and naughty again.

After the sex I was overwhelmed. Because it felt so good, but also because I suddenly realised: I have to pay someone to feel this. That is ridiculous, right? I had overcome something, but the fact that I had to overcome it made me sad. As I cried, Victor comforted me. We had booked through to the morning, so there was time for these feelings too. At a certain point my sadness ebbed away and a little door opened. Now that I had had good sex again, I noticed how much I had missed it. Let me just say we had a really lovely evening and night.’

The day after‘On the way home I had mixed feelings. On the one hand I was happy, on the other I honestly had no idea what had happened to me. Victor and I said goodbye to each other, and two hours later my four-year-old daughter was already at the door. That was quite a switch. Fortunately, at least with the kind of gigolo Victor is, there was aftercare too. I had told no one about our date because I was ashamed of it. That made it nice to have the occasional message contact with Victor in the days and weeks that followed. It is no small thing, what you go through together. I opened myself up completely, and that does something to you. Victor gave that his genuine attention. Since our date I feel more feminine and more confident. I have more energy and more desire for sex, but it also shows in small things like walking taller and dressing more carefully. It may sound dramatic, but I feel like a full human being again.

I want more, was in my head pretty quickly. I want to do it again. So a little while ago we met up again. Again we ate, went to the spa and to a hotel. This time I did not have that half panic attack beforehand and could enjoy it even more. As I said: a little door has opened. In the sexual realm I still have a lot to discover, and I am happy to let that keep flowing. A third time will come too, but that will take a while. I want to let everything settle first, and besides, there is a hefty price tag attached. For an overnight like ours, I pay 2,500 euros. Still, I would tell every woman who feels the need: just do it. It really is a gift to yourself. There are all kinds of gigolos, so there is bound to be one for you. It is a shame there is such a taboo on it, because the feeling it gave me is something I wish for everyone. So do not be afraid, and take the step.

Forever grateful
It will be a while before I start dating again. The nice thing about a gigolo is that you do not run into each other in the bar afterwards. He goes back to his life, and I to mine. There is no awkward hassle, as is so often the case with dating. If I do bump into someone, I am open to a new relationship, but otherwise I am fine as I am. I am busy building my own life. My dates with Victor help with that. When I feel more comfortable in my own skin, it radiates into other areas of my life too. Then I am even a better mother to my daughter. For that I am forever grateful to Victor.’

*Maud is a pseudonym. Her real name is known to the editors.