Making love

What is making love?

Making love is a broad word for sexual contact, from kissing and stroking to intercourse. It is wider than fucking and pointedly does not put the emphasis on penetration. Making love covers the whole range of sexual acts, with or without climax, with or without anyone going inside.

Where the word comes from

The Dutch word for it, vrijen, has a surprisingly tender history. According to the etymology bank of the Instituut voor de Nederlandse Taal, vrijen comes from the same stem as vrij (free), with the original meaning “to love” or to court. The sexual meaning is only clearly traceable from the last quarter of the twentieth century. So for centuries vrijen mostly meant being in love and courting someone, before it came to mean what it means now.

Making love or fucking?

The difference is in the breadth and the tone. The Dutch sex-education platform JouwGGD explains that sex and making love mean more than “doing it”: they also take in stroking, fingering, handjobs, oral or anal sex, with or without climax. Fucking, by contrast, is a blunt word specifically for intercourse. Both words have their place; they just say something different about what you mean and how you talk about it.

What making love is not

“Making love is only for couples in love.” No. The phrase has a soft ring to it, but it says nothing about how you have to feel. You can make love tenderly, playfully, or firmly; the warmth is in how you do it, not in some required state of being in love.

What I see myself

I use the word “making love” on purpose, in my work as a gigolo too. It fits how I work: I care about the whole thing, not one single act. Often the best part is exactly in the things that are not penetration, in the touch, the pace, and the attention. The word “fucking” has its place and can be wonderful in its moment. But if someone asks me what I do, I say I make love. That covers it, and it matches the calm I bring to it. If you want to know what an evening like that looks like, you can read about it under intimate togetherness.

Sources

• Vrijen. Etymologiebank, Instituut voor de Nederlandse Taal. Gives that vrijen comes from the same stem as vrij (free), originally meant “to love” or to court, and that the sexual meaning is only clearly traceable from the last quarter of the twentieth century.
• Seks, vrijen en neuken. JouwGGD. Gives that sex and making love mean more than intercourse and also cover stroking, fingering, oral and anal sex, with or without climax, while fucking is a blunt word specifically for penetration.

Related terms

• Sexual acts. The whole range that making love takes in.
• Fucking. The blunter, more specific word for penetration.
• Foreplay. Often the largest part of what making love can be.