Foreplay

What is foreplay?

Foreplay is everything that comes before penetration: kissing, stroking, licking, talking, waiting. It builds arousal and sets the sexual response cycle in motion. But the word is misleading, because “fore”play suggests a warm-up. For many people, and certainly for many women, it is not the run-up but the main course itself.

Why foreplay matters

It is not a courtesy round, but physiology. According to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, foreplay is the gateway to arousal and desire: it gets the blood flowing to the genitals, produces an erection of the clitoris and vaginal wetness, which makes penetration more pleasant and less painful. And, crucially, most women do not come from penetration alone but need stimulation of the erogenous zones, exactly what happens during foreplay. The encyclopedia adds that foreplay is positively linked to orgasm in women and that women usually need longer foreplay to become sufficiently aroused.

Foreplay is not a countdown to “the real thing”

This is where the biggest mistake sits. Anyone who sees foreplay as a compulsory round before the real sex begins has the order reversed. For a great many women it is precisely in that “fore”play that most of the pleasure lies: the clitoris, the nipples, the neck, the tension of almost. Penetration is then one of the options, not the inevitable end goal. Rutgers describes arousal as something with several phases, a curve you build up calmly, not a switch you flip. Whoever respects that curve discovers that a slow build increases pleasure rather than delaying it.

How much foreplay is enough?

There is no fixed number for that, and that is exactly the point. Research does show a pattern: the more arousal is built up, the better the orgasm, for men and women. But “more” is not the same as “longer for the sake of longer”. Some women want an extended, slow build; others get going fastest with short, focused attention. The art is not hitting a minimum duration but sensing what someone needs at that moment. What almost always holds is that women on average need a little more time than men to become truly aroused. Whoever knows that and makes room for it takes away the pressure that gets in the way of arousal.

How to get more out of it

The secret is time and attention, not technique. Keep feeling and asking what feels good, vary the pace and the place, and don’t be in a hurry to move “on”. Let silences fall. Build up and drop back down, so the tension rises. And remember that touch can start anywhere: a back, the inside of a wrist, a neck. The less goal-directed it is, the more often something arises. Foreplay, by the way, begins long before the touch, in the look, the words and the mood you build up together.

What foreplay is not

“Foreplay is there to get the woman ready for penetration.” That is a half-truth that misses the other half. Yes, it makes penetration more pleasant. But it is just as much a goal in itself, and for many women the most important part of sex.

“More foreplay always means better.” Not necessarily a fixed amount. It is about attunement: one woman wants long and slow, another short and focused. Sensing what fits does more than following a clock. Too much of a good thing can be as off-key as too little.

What I see myself

For me the split between foreplay and “the real thing” doesn’t really exist. As a gigolo I take my time, and often that slow build is exactly what the whole date is about. I am in no hurry to get anywhere, because there is nowhere we absolutely have to be. I notice how often women aren’t used to that: at home foreplay was a short round before the clock started ticking. When that round suddenly gets all the room, something changes. The arousal grows deeper, and what comes after, whether that is penetration or not, feels like a choice instead of a destination. That is exactly why I’d rather not call it foreplay, because there is nothing for it to be the “fore” of. How a date without hurry is built up is on the page about intimate togetherness.

Further reading

• Arousal describes what happens in your body during foreplay.
• Sexual response cycle places foreplay in the bigger picture.
• Why is foreplay important from the SMSNA gives the medical grounding.

Sources

• Why is foreplay important. Sexual Medicine Society of North America. Establishes that foreplay is the gateway to arousal and desire, gets the blood flowing, produces a clitoral erection and vaginal wetness, and that most women do not come from penetration alone but need stimulation of the erogenous zones.
• Foreplay. Wikipedia. Establishes that foreplay is positively linked to orgasm in women, that women usually need longer foreplay to become sufficiently aroused, and that it increases emotional intimacy.
• Sexual pleasure. Rutgers. Establishes that sexual arousal has several phases, a curve you build up rather than a switch you flip.

Related terms

• Arousal. What foreplay builds up.
• Sexual response cycle. The bigger model that foreplay is the build-up phase of.
• G-spot. One of the zones that can get attention during foreplay.
• Lubricant. Handy when the body doesn’t yet make enough wetness on its own.