Anal play: from the first time to a plug
How anal play works, why lube is not optional, which toys are safe, and why a flared base is the one rule that really matters.
Glossary
Anal sex
A standard item on every checklist, and the one that draws the most questions before anything happens.
What is anal sex?
Anal sex is penetration of the anus, with a penis, fingers, or a toy. It shows up on almost every sexual checklist, usually listed separately for giving and receiving. Unlike vaginal sex, the body makes no fluid of its own, and that shapes almost everything about how it goes in practice.
| Category | sexual acts; that page lays the forms out side by side, with the split that law and healthcare each draw differently |
| In the literature | often split into insertive and receptive, that is, giving and receiving |
| Also known as | anal, anal penetration |
| How common in the Netherlands | 8 percent of people had anal sex the last time they had sex |
| What the body doesn’t do | make its own fluid, which is why lube isn’t a luxury but a requirement |
How common anal sex is
Less often than its visibility suggests. In Rutgers’ Monitor Seksuele Gezondheid 2023, among 12,551 Dutch people, anal sex was part of the last time they had sex for 8 percent. For comparison: penis-in-vagina sex was for 85 percent and oral sex for 58 percent.
That figure says something useful. Anyone wondering whether they are the only one who has never done it is, by a wide margin, in the majority. And anyone who does do it belongs to a group small enough that few ordinary conversations touch on it, which is why so much nonsense circulates about it.
Why anal sex takes more preparation
The difference from vaginal sex is anatomical, not moral. The anus has two sphincters, one of which you can’t consciously relax, and the wall of the rectum makes no lubricant of its own. Without plenty of lube, small tears form in the mucous membrane.
Why people do it
The appeal runs along two lines that have little to do with each other. The first is physical: the sphincters are full of nerve endings, and in men the prostate sits along this route. The second is psychological: it is an act that calls for surrender, and that makes it weigh heavier for many people than other things.
- For the one receiving, the payoff is often that something happens you have to let yourself go for; it doesn’t work if you stay tense, and that makes it an exercise in letting go.
- For the one giving, the payoff lies in the pace it forces. Anal sex rewards patience and punishes haste, and that changes the whole arrangement.
- For a couple, the return is usually the conversation around it, because this is not something you let happen without noticing.
It is not pleasant for everyone, not even after practice. Anal sex that keeps hurting is not something to push through. It is a signal to stop.
How people go about it
The usual route is slow and does not start with penetration. First with the hand and lube, then with one finger, then with a butt plug or several fingers, and only much later with more. Plenty of couples get no further than that and are perfectly happy with it.
What separates the careful approach from the sloppy one is not experience but pace. Anyone who wants to reach penetration in a single evening is almost guaranteed to be doing it wrong; anyone who takes three dates over it usually is not.
Toys belong in the same category of caution. Dahlberg and colleagues counted in International Journal of Colorectal Disease that sex toys were involved in 41 percent of cases of objects left behind in the rectum, with a 17 percent chance of abdominal surgery against 4 percent for other objects. Anything that goes in anally should have a wide base or a cord.
Misconceptions about anal sex
“It’s supposed to hurt.” No. Pain is the signal that there is too little lube, that it is going too fast, or that the receiver is not relaxed. Pushing on through pain produces tears.
“This is something for gay men.” The Rutgers figures cover the Dutch population in general. The 8 percent is made up of people of every gender and every orientation.
What I see myself
This is the topic I get the most questions about before anything happens, and almost never during.
Technique is rarely the question. It is about being dirty: whether it is gross, whether it smells. Whether I would mind. Asking that costs people more than the act itself. My answer is always the same. We take it slow, stopping is not a failure, and most people need two or three tries before it becomes pleasant.
And one practical thing I see a lot: people bring too little lube. Almost always too little.
What you can do yourself
- Use more lube than you think you need, and top up as you go instead of afterward. Water-based with silicone toys.
- Start with a finger and keep it there the first time. There is no reason to reach penetration in a single evening.
- Stop at pain, not at blood. Pain is the first signal; blood is the second and comes too late.
- Only use toys with a wide base or a cord, so nothing can disappear.
More reading on anal sex
On this site the butt plug is worked out, the toy most people start with, and the page on consent covers what we agree beforehand. If you want to explore it slowly and without any rush, there is all the time for that with intimate togetherness.
Beyond this site, Rutgers’ Monitor Seksuele Gezondheid is free to read and the best Dutch data there is on what people actually do.
Sources
- Monitor Seksuele Gezondheid 2023. Rutgers, 2024. National monitor among 12,551 Dutch people; gives the 8 percent for anal sex with the last sex partner, against 85 percent for penis-in-vagina sex and 58 percent for oral sex.
- Retained sex toys: an increasing and possibly preventable medical condition. Dahlberg, Nordberg, Pieniowski, Boström, Sandblom & Hallqvist-Everhov, International Journal of Colorectal Disease 34(1), 181–183, 2019. Gives the share of sex toys among objects left behind in the rectum and the raised surgery risk.
Related terms
- Butt plug. The toy most people start anal sex with, and why that wide base is there.
- Anal training. Building it up slowly beforehand, so the first time does not have to hurt.
- Fisting. The far end of the same practice, with what has been measured about sphincter and incontinence.
- Pegging. The same act with the roles reversed, and where the sensation in men comes from.
- Strap-on. The tool that makes that happen, with the word’s history from 1959.
- Prostate massage. The form that is about pressure on one spot, not penetration.
- Anal beads, also filed as anal beads, and the anal hook are the other close neighbors. On the oral-anal side there are rimming and rimjob.
- Oral sex. The sister term from the same Rutgers table.
- Sexual acts. The category above it, where this act sits at the bottom of the list at 8 percent.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about anal sex.
Does anal sex hurt?
It should not. Pain usually means one of three things: too little lube, too fast a pace, or a receiver who is not relaxed. Push on through it and you get tears in the mucous membrane, and that is exactly the signal to stop.
Who can you turn to with questions about anal sex?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. The question people struggle with most is rarely about technique and usually about shame. You can ask him a question with no obligation through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles on anal play
The first time, the lube, the pace, and the two sphincters, only one of which you control yourself.
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Still have questions about anal sex?
I'm Victor. On this topic I get the most questions beforehand and almost none afterward, and they are rarely about technique. Feel free to ask yours. No obligation, I'll message you back whenever suits you.