Anal training

What is anal training?

Anal training is the step-by-step process of getting the anus used to stimulation and to more size, so the sphincters learn to relax instead of clamping shut. Unlike anal sex, which can be a one-off, training is about repetition. The moment itself is not what counts, but what your body learns in the weeks before it.

The anatomy behind a gradual build-up

The anus has two sphincters. The outer one you can tighten and release on purpose. The inner one you cannot. That one reacts to tension and haste. A fright does it too, and then it clamps shut at exactly the wrong moment. That is the whole reason anal sex does not feel good right away for a lot of people, and why quiet practice does. You are not making the muscle stronger. You are teaching yourself to let it drop.

A second reason to take your time is safety. In a systematic review of colorectal objects, Kurer and colleagues describe how objects get stuck in the rectum and sometimes have to be removed surgically, and that size and shape weigh the heaviest in that. Which is exactly why a toy for anal use should have a wide base, and why you skip no size while building up.

How people do anal training

The usual route is to start small and build up slowly. Not out of tradition, but because it works.

Many people start with just lube and a finger, and take their time with it. Not ten minutes. Weeks. After a while a second finger joins in, and things stay there again for a bit. Only after that does a small plug come into the picture, and something bigger much later still. The sphincters need the same thing as any other muscle you are teaching something new: repetition, rest and no pressure. Anyone who wants to reach penetration in a single evening almost always goes too fast and ends up with pain. Anyone who takes about four sessions over it usually does not.

What comes back in every account is not exciting. Relaxation and talking it through do the work. That is not romance, it is how your body reacts in this spot.

Why people want anal training

The short answer: it is the difference between pain and pleasure.

Plenty of women are curious how anal sex feels, but above all they want it not to hurt. Preparation is the only route there. You cannot treat an unpracticed body as though it were a practiced one, and you do not have to feel guilty if it does not work the first time.

• For whoever receives, your body learns to feel what is nice, instead of only what is scary.
• For whoever gives, you have less guessing to do, because you can tell from her when it is okay.
• For the two of you together, you have practiced something, so you know what to expect from each other.

What training does not fix is desire that is not there. If the idea puts you off, practice will not change that, and that is a perfectly good answer on its own.

Misconceptions about anal training

“This is supposed to hurt.” No. Pain is the signal that it is going too fast, that there is too little lube, or that you are not ready yet. Pushing through pain gives small tears, and those are exactly what raise the risk of passing on STIs. The meta-analysis by Baggaley and colleagues finds that receptive anal sex without a condom carries the highest per-act HIV risk of all sexual acts, around 1.4 percent. A damaged mucous membrane does not make that smaller.

“My body is not built for it.” Not true. Everyone has two sphincters and nerves that respond to lube and patience. In a study of 1,580 women from the kink scene, well over eighty percent had experienced anal stimulation with fingers or a penis. It is not unusual.

“One good time is enough.” No. Training is repetition. Anyone who stops after two tries and picks it up again six months later starts back at zero.

What I notice

I am Victor, gigolo, twenty-five years active in BDSM and trained as a psychotherapist. The question about anal almost never reaches me directly. It comes wrapped as “I don’t dare” or “it went wrong once.” Almost always it turns out that one time went too fast, with no build-up and too little lube. What I say then is not complicated. It was not your body, it was the pace. That the way back runs through small steps and not through pushing on is the part most women have not heard anywhere yet.

What you can do yourself

• Start small. A finger and lube, no toy yet.
• Keep it regular. Once a week builds up better than everything in one evening.
• Use more lube than you think you need, and pick a water-based one as soon as latex or silicone toys come into it.
• Stop at pain. Pain is the first sign it is going too fast, not a hurdle to clear.
• Say what you feel to whoever is doing it, even when that is “hold on a second.”
• Set no deadline. Some people build this up over months, and that is not failure.

More about anal training

On this site the page about anal sex is about the act itself, and the butt plug page explains which toy you use while building up. The blog article about anal play, from the first time to a plug walks through that build-up step by step.

Off this site, Rehor’s study gives an honest picture of how common anal play is in practice, and the review by Baggaley and colleagues shows why protection during anal sex counts for more than during most other acts.

Where this fits on this site

If you want to explore anal quietly once without having to arrange everything yourself or take the lead, that can happen with guidance too. The page about my services lays out how an appointment works and what we go over beforehand, the pace included. Nothing has to happen, and you decide how far it goes.

Sources

• Sensual, Erotic, and Sexual Behaviors of Women from the “Kink” Community. Jennifer Eve Rehor, Archives of Sexual Behavior 44(4), 825-836, 2015. A study of 1,580 women from the kink scene covering more than 126 acts. It supplies that well over eighty percent of the participants had experienced anal stimulation with fingers or a penis, which shows how common anal play is within this group.
• HIV Transmission Risk Through Anal Intercourse: Systematic Review, Meta-analysis and Implications for HIV Prevention. Rebecca F. Baggaley, Richard G. White & Marie-Claude Boily, International Journal of Epidemiology 39(4), 1048-1063, 2010. It puts the per-act estimated HIV risk for receptive anal sex without a condom at around 1.4 percent, the highest of the acts studied.
• Colorectal Foreign Bodies: A Systematic Review. M. A. Kurer, C. Davey, S. Khan & S. Chintapatla, Colorectal Disease 12(9), 851-861, 2010. It records that objects can get stuck in the rectum and sometimes have to be removed surgically, and that the size and shape of the object weigh the heaviest in that, the reason anal toys need a wide base.

Related terms

• Anal sex. The act itself, with preparation and safety.
• Butt plug. The toy you use to build up slowly.
• Training. The broader BDSM idea of repetition and learning.
• Sexual acts. The category anal sex belongs to.