Masturbation

What is masturbation?

Masturbation is pleasuring yourself sexually by touching your own body, with your hand or with a tool. The Dutch word for it is zelfbevrediging. Outside BDSM, masturbation is the most common form of sex in the Netherlands. Inside BDSM the act does not change but the say-so does: masturbation gets forbidden, ordered, or done under supervision.

What masturbation looks like in practice

Alone, by hand, and more often than people suspect of one another.

In Rutgers’ Monitor Seksuele Gezondheid 2023, filled in by 15,494 people aged 18 to 80, 78 percent had masturbated in the last six months. Sex with a partner reached 71 percent in those same six months. At least weekly, 51 percent of men masturbate against 17 percent of women. From 55 on it drops off, but less sharply than sex with someone else. Among the over-70s it is 59 against 43 percent.

In BDSM that everyday act becomes an agreement. A common case: someone is not allowed to come for three days, reports in one line each evening that it worked, and gets permission on the fourth evening. On command, with a time attached. The movement is the same as always. What has been added is another person who decides about it.

Where the word masturbation comes from

From Latin, and Dutch took it over as an accusation.

The Etymologisch Woordenboek van het Nederlands first records the noun in 1832, in Weiland, describing it there as “de zelfbevlekking”, self-defilement. The verb masturberen follows in 1847, in Kramers. Both are borrowed from the Latin masturbāri, whose origin stays unclear; the most cited explanation is an old compound of mās “man” and turbāre “to cause arousal”.

That first Dutch rendering is the most striking part of the history. Zelfbevlekking, self-defilement, is not a description but a verdict: there is something clean, and you put a stain on it. A century and a half later the Dutch College of General Practitioners says about the same act on Thuisarts: “Seks met jezelf is normaal. Ook als je een relatie hebt.”, sex with yourself is normal, even if you are in a relationship. Between those two sentences sits the shift that made masturbation a subject instead of a confession.

Why people hand masturbation over

Because you can only give away something that is entirely your own.

Masturbation is the last place where nobody else has a say, free of a partner, a schedule, or any negotiation. That is exactly why it works so well as a stake. The moment someone else decides when it is allowed, a routine act turns into something you think about all day.

• For the one giving up the say-so, masturbation under permission brings tension without anything heavy involved. Nothing has to be struck or tied. The only thing that has to happen is nothing.
• For the one who gets the say-so, masturbation is the cheapest form of power there is. One message, and the rest of the day does the work by itself.
• For two people together it is often the first step in BDSM that works at a distance, without a room, tools, or a set evening.

Apart from that, the Dutch College of General Practitioners sums up the use in short: “Door seks met jezelf leer je je eigen lichaam beter kennen. Dan kun je vaak ook meer genieten van seks.”, through sex with yourself you get to know your own body better, and then you can often enjoy sex more too.

Masturbation does not solve a mismatch in desire. Fischer and colleagues saw in the British Natsal surveys that masturbation actually steps in when sex between two people runs rough. As a substitute it works. As a repair it does not.

How people set masturbation into an agreement

Almost always in one of three ways, and usually by message.

1. A ban. Masturbation is not allowed for an agreed period. This sits closest to chastity and works without any device at all, purely as an agreement.
2. An order. Masturbation is required instead, at a said moment, sometimes with a number or a time attached. The involuntary part then sits in the obligation, not in the abstinence.
3. Supervision. Masturbation happens in the other person’s presence, live or over a connection. This is where the overlap with exhibitionism sits, and where people cross their limit fastest.

Careful or sloppy is not about the intensity but about the duration. Agree to a ban with no end date and you have agreed to nothing. In the careful version it is set in advance how long it runs and who may call it off. That last one is always the person on the receiving end.

Misconceptions about masturbation

“People who masturbate are missing something in the relationship.” Not automatically, but the link exists. In the British Natsal surveys, people who had masturbated in the past month more often reported wanting sex more often, having a need out of step with their partner’s, or dealing with sexual complaints. Masturbation is a substitute then, for men and women alike, which is how the researchers rejected the older model in which masturbation was supplementary for women and compensatory for men.

“Masturbating too often is harmful.” That idea is an inheritance, not a finding. The 1832 dictionary called it zelfbevlekking, and nineteenth-century medicine built diseases around that. The current position of the GPs on Thuisarts is that sex with yourself is normal, inside a relationship too.

“Masturbation in BDSM is about humiliation.” Usually not. Humiliation can be a layer, but the core is consent. Something that was always yours rests for a while with someone else, and that can be entirely loving.

What I see myself

I am Victor, a gigolo, twenty-five years in BDSM and trained as a psychotherapist. Masturbation is the subject women bring up least easily, and the one that draws the most questions once it is on the table.

It is rarely about technique, but about giving yourself permission. Women who come to me with an outspoken fantasy turn out to have never finished it at home, because they call themselves back halfway. Once someone else says it is allowed, that falls away.

And the side no one thinks of beforehand. A three-day ban does more than an evening of play, because it does not stop the moment you are out the door.

What you can do yourself

• Put an end date on it before you ban masturbation for a while. With no end it is not an agreement but a mood, and a mood does not close off.
• Agree how you report that it worked or failed. That daily message is half the game.
• Keep the safeword valid here too, even if no one is touching anyone. Anyone doing masturbation on command who wants out midway has to be able to.
• Only start with supervision once the ban went well. Being watched crosses a higher threshold than waiting.

More reading on masturbation

Within this glossary, chastity sits closest to it: masturbation that stays off-limits for a long stretch, with someone else holding the key. On the blog, orgasm control is about who decides.

Beyond this site, the Monitor Seksuele Gezondheid 2023 is free to download and the best Dutch figures there are; chapter 2 covers solo and partner sex. Seks met jezelf on Thuisarts is the level-headed health side, written by the GPs’ association itself.

Where this fits on this site

If you want to try how it feels when someone else decides when you may come, without a whole relationship hanging off it, that fits inside a BDSM date. That page has how we set out in advance what is and is not allowed.

Sources

• Monitor Seksuele Gezondheid 2023. Hanneke de Graaf, Yolin Kraan, Anne Oldenhof and Fayaaz Joemmanbaks, Rutgers, 2024. The national population survey of sexual health, part of the Leefstijlmonitor, with a sample that Statistics Netherlands (CBS) drew, weighted and fielded, funded by the Ministry of Health. That makes it the one authoritative source for how often Dutch people masturbate. Supplies that 78 percent of the 15,494 participants aged 18 to 80 had masturbated in the past six months against 71 percent who had sex with a partner, that 96 percent of men and 85 percent of women had ever done it, that 51 percent of men and 17 percent of women do it at least weekly, and that masturbation falls off from 55 on but less sharply than sex with a partner (59 against 43 percent among the over-70s).
• Trends in Masturbation Prevalence and Associated Factors: Findings from the British National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles. Fischer, Kozák, Graham, Clifton, Mercer & Mitchell, The Journal of Sex Research 63(4), 498–509, 2026 (DOI 10.1080/00224499.2025.2555053). Two national probability samples of the British population: 11,161 people aged 16 to 44 in 1999–2001 and 15,162 people aged 16 to 74 in 2010–12. Supplies the rise in masturbation in the past month from 37.0 to 40.3 percent among women and from 73.4 to 77.5 percent among men, the finding that those who masturbated more often reported wanting sex more often, having a need out of step with their partner’s, or knowing sexual complaints, and the conclusion that masturbation steps in for women and men alike as a substitute when sex between two people runs rough.
• masturbatie. Etymologiebank, hosted by the Instituut voor de Nederlandse Taal, with the entry from the Etymologisch Woordenboek van het Nederlands (Philippa et al., 2003–2009). Supplies the first Dutch record of masturbatie as “de zelfbevlekking” in Weiland in 1832, the verb masturberen in Kramers in 1847, the borrowing from the Latin masturbāri with an unclear etymology, and the three proposed explanations: mās “man” plus turbāre “to cause arousal”, manibus “with the hands” plus turbāre, and a corruption of man-stuprāre from manus “hand” and stuprāre “to dishonor, to rape”.
• Seks met jezelf. Thuisarts.nl, Dutch College of General Practitioners. The public information from the Dutch GPs’ association and so the medical position that holds in the Netherlands. Supplies the lines “Seks met jezelf is normaal. Ook als je een relatie hebt.” and “Door seks met jezelf leer je je eigen lichaam beter kennen. Dan kun je vaak ook meer genieten van seks.”, plus the synonyms masturberen and zelfbevrediging.

Related terms

In BDSM, masturbation is rarely a goal in itself. It is the thing the agreements are about.

• Chastity. Masturbation that stays off-limits for a long time, and the broader agreement it falls under.
• Edging. The technique of stopping just before orgasm each time, usually started solo.
• Forced orgasm. The opposite move: going on where someone would stop themselves.
• Magic wand. The tool most often used for both delay and pushing through.
• Sexual acts. The list masturbation leads on figures and falls outside on definitions.
• Exhibitionism. What masturbation under supervision spills into the moment someone watches.
• Orgasm control. The agreement that takes masturbation out of your own hands. Orgasm denial and milking each have their own page.
• Handjob. The same movement on someone else, with the figures on how ordinary that is.