An evening for yourself: why that is not selfish
Why an evening that revolves only around you feels so hard to take, how it differs from pampering, and why caring for others does not suffer.
Glossary
Loneliness
Why you can feel lonely with people around you, and what touch does and doesn't change about that.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is the unpleasant experience that arises when your contact with others is less, or less deep, than you need. It turns on the gap between the connection you want and the one you feel, not on the number of people around you. You can feel lonely with people right there.
| Dutch term | eenzaamheid |
| What it is | an experience: the feeling of too little or too shallow contact |
| Not to be confused with | touch deprivation and social isolation, the measurable situation; loneliness is the experience beside it |
| Forms | emotional loneliness, missing one trusted person, and social loneliness, missing a circle |
| What it connects to | in research, a higher mortality risk, comparable to established risk factors |
| Where you can turn | your GP if it lasts a long time; this is a concept, not a diagnosis |
How loneliness arises
Loneliness comes from a gap, not from a number. The encyclopedia describes loneliness as an unpleasant emotional response to perceived or actual social isolation, and as a discrepancy between the contact you need and the contact you get. That is why someone with a full calendar can feel deeply lonely, while someone who is alone a lot often is not. The feeling follows the missed connection. The head count matters little.
What loneliness does to you, and where touch comes in
Long-lasting loneliness touches more than your mood. In a meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad and colleagues, loneliness was linked to a 26 percent higher mortality risk, and the researchers call that influence comparable to established risk factors for death. Touch plays a part in it. A review study by Noone and McKenna-Plumley concludes that the presence, absence and kind of touch can influence how loneliness is experienced, and that touch is an underexamined topic in loneliness research. That explains why skin hunger and loneliness so often come up together.
What company and touch do not do: solve the lack of one trusted person. A warm evening takes the edge off for a while. The connection that feeds loneliness asks for more than presence alone.
What I see myself
I am Victor, gigolo. Most women who book me don’t call themselves lonely, and yet the conversation often turns to it. It rarely comes down to being alone then. It comes down to being missed. What strikes me every time: an evening of real attention takes the chill off for a while, only that changes nothing about what is absent during the day. I’m honest about that. I am company, not a solution. What such an evening of attention and closeness looks like is on the page about the boyfriend experience.
Sources
- Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review. Holt-Lunstad, Smith, Baker, Harris & Stephenson, Perspectives on Psychological Science, 2015. Provides the figure that loneliness is linked to a 26 percent higher mortality risk, and the finding that this influence is comparable to established risk factors.
- Lonely for Touch? A Narrative Review on the Role of Touch in Loneliness. Noone & McKenna-Plumley, Behaviour Change, 2022. Provides the conclusion that the presence, absence and kind of touch can influence how loneliness is experienced, and that touch is underexamined in loneliness research.
- Loneliness. Wikipedia. Provides the definition of loneliness as an unpleasant response to perceived or actual social isolation, and the distinction between being lonely and being alone.
Related terms
- Skin hunger. The related main term in this list: the bodily longing for touch that often comes up together with loneliness.
- Touch deprivation. The measurable shortage of touch, which loneliness is the experience beside.
- Attachment style. Why the same loneliness lands hard on one person and barely on another.
- Co-regulation. How another person’s calm settles your nervous system, exactly what is missing in loneliness.
- Dead bedroom. Loneliness inside a relationship, where two people live side by side without touching each other.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about loneliness.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is the unpleasant experience that arises when your contact with others is less, or less deep, than you need. It turns on what you miss, not on the number of people around you. You can feel lonely in a crowded room and content alone on the couch.
Can you feel lonely while you're not alone?
Yes. Loneliness is an experience, not a head count: it arises from the gap between the connection you need and the one you feel. Someone with a partner, friends and a full calendar can feel deeply lonely if no one knows how they’re really doing. That is often called emotional loneliness.
Who can you turn to with questions about loneliness?
Victor, a gigolo with around twenty-five years of BDSM experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He’s regularly the company that takes the sharpest chill off for a while, and he’s honest that he’s not a solution for loneliness; if loneliness lasts a long time, that belongs with your GP. You can ask him a question, no strings attached, through the contact form or chat for free first.
Blog
Articles on loneliness
This page gives the term. These articles are about loneliness from the inside, from being lonely with a partner to the warmth of an evening of real attention.
Emotional loneliness: being lonely when you are not alone
Emotional loneliness is feeling unseen with a partner beside you. What it is, why it is so hard to name, and what helps.
Widow's fire: desire for touch during grief
Widow's fire is the sudden desire for touch soon after a partner dies. Where it comes from, why it is normal, and what you can do with it.
Professional cuddling: what it is and how it works
Professional cuddling is cuddling by appointment, clothes on and nothing sexual about it. Here is how it works, and who it is for.
Married to a gigolo #4: lying alone in bed
Jealous of your partner's client? Anna feels it for the first time when Victor meets the experienced Bianca. Part 4 of her story.
Learn more
Still have questions about loneliness?
I'm Victor, gigolo. I'm often the company that takes the sharpest chill off for a while, and I'm honest that I'm not a solution for loneliness. Want to talk about what exactly you miss? Ask your question, no strings attached, and I'll message you back at your own pace.