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Glossary
Co-regulation
How someone else's calm helps your body settle, and why you don't always have to do that alone.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation (Dutch: co-regulatie) is the process where two people influence each other’s feelings and nervous system, so that one person’s calm helps the other settle. It happens between parent and child, and just as much between adult partners. It is the counterpart of self-regulation: coming to rest together instead of alone.
| Dutch term | co-regulatie |
| What it is | regulating emotions together, where one nervous system calms the other |
| Where it plays out | between parent and child, and between adult partners |
| Counterpart | self-regulation, calming down on your own |
| Belongs with | attachment and the fight-or-flight response |
How co-regulation works
It is not a woolly notion but a measured process. The scientific description calls emotional co-regulation “a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels between partners, which contributes to emotional stability for both partners”. Put briefly: you attune to each other, and that calms you. It runs through the autonomic nervous system. When your body notices safety in another person’s calm, it switches back from the fight-or-flight state to calm. Early co-regulation by a parent lays the groundwork for how you handle stress yourself later on.
What it gives you, and where the limit lies
The gain is the feeling that for a moment you don’t have to carry everything alone. A hand on your back, a voice that doesn’t get pulled into your panic, someone who stays calm while you are not. For many people the tension drops faster from that than from any breathing trick.
Co-regulation does work both ways. If the other person is full of tension themselves, that pulls you down sooner than up. And it does not replace your own resilience. If you are often and lastingly dysregulated, a therapist is the place, not a partner and not this page. Co-regulation is an addition, not a treatment.
Sources
- Co-regulation. Wikipedia. Provides the description of emotional co-regulation as a bidirectional linkage between partners that contributes to emotional stability, and the link with attachment.
- Butler & Randall, Emotional coregulation in close relationships. Emotion Review, 2013. The research publication that definition goes back to, on how partners stabilize each other’s emotions.
Related terms
- Fight-or-flight response. The stress state that co-regulation helps you switch back from.
- Attachment style. How early co-regulation shapes your way of attaching.
- Complex trauma. Where co-regulation often goes with difficulty, after lasting trauma.
- Aftercare. The care after intense contact, in practice a form of coming to rest together.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about co-regulation.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is the process where two people influence each other’s feelings and nervous system, so that one person’s calm helps the other settle. It is the counterpart of self-regulation: coming to rest together instead of alone.
What is the difference between co-regulation and self-regulation?
With co-regulation you calm down with the help of another person, with self-regulation you do it alone. Early co-regulation by a parent lays the groundwork for how well you handle stress yourself later on.
Who can you turn to with questions about co-regulation?
With Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in intimacy and a background as a psychotherapist. Bringing calm so someone else can settle is a big part of what he does. If you are often dysregulated, a therapist is the place; the rest you can ask with no obligation through the contact form or chat for free.
Blog
Articles about calm and closeness
Co-regulation is coming to rest together. This article is about the care and calm that belong after intense contact.
Want to know more
Still have questions about co-regulation?
I'm Victor. Bringing calm so someone else can settle is a big part of what I do, whether it's about tension or about touch. Feel free to ask what you want to know. No obligation, I'll text you back whenever it suits you.