Your first time at a play party: what to expect
What happens at a play party, who the DM is, how the house rules work, and why watching is the most normal thing to do all evening.
Glossary
Fetish party
The one BDSM event where the clothing decides entry and where playing does not have to be the point.
What is a fetish party?
A fetish party (Dutch: fetishfeest) is a night out with a dress code of leather, latex, patent or uniform. At a fetish party the clothing decides entry, not what you plan to do. A fetish party is therefore not automatically a play party: dancing, watching and talking can be the whole evening.
| Dutch term | fetishfeest; the adjacent form is called a play party |
| What decides entry | the dress code, not your experience |
| Materials | leather, latex, rubber, plastic, nylon, PVC, spandex, fishnet, stainless steel |
| Not the same as | a play party, where play actually happens |
| Firm rule | touch no one and nothing without consent, and interrupt no scene |
| Where it belongs | BDSM as a social scene, not as a practice |
Why the clothing is the subject
Because fetish clothing by definition is not what everyone wears. The encyclopedia on fetish fashion says it literally: if everyone wears a garment, it can no longer have a fetish character. The usual materials are leather, latex, rubber, plastic, nylon, PVC, spandex, fishnet and stainless steel. That same source draws a line that counts at a party: fetish clothing is not costume clothing. A costume is for public view and without sexual charge; fetish clothing belongs to an intimate setting.
That explains why a dress code is more than a village rule. It does not keep out people who do not belong; it makes sure that whoever is inside has made the same agreement. Someone who comes in in ordinary clothes is the only one who has said nothing about themselves, and on such an evening that is the hardest position to be in.
What holds on such an evening
The same etiquette as at a play party, even when there is no playing. The encyclopedia on play parties describes the layout: a room to drink and talk, a room to change clothes, and a play space. Joining in is not required and the role of watcher is a valid one. What is not allowed is touching someone or someone’s things without consent, and interrupting a scene.
Those rules are enforced, and not only that evening. In Sexual Abuse, Dunkley and Brotto describe that people who repeatedly cross boundaries within the scene are marked as “predatory” and are shut out, up to being banned from parties, clubs and organizations. So a fetish party is a closed little world in the good sense of the word: the door works both ways.
Sources
- The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM. Dunkley & Brotto, Sexual Abuse, 2019 (DOI 10.1177/1079063219842847). Supplies that people with repeated boundary violations within the scene are labeled “predatory” and are shut out, including banishment from parties, clubs and organizations.
- Fetish fashion. Wikipedia. Supplies the materials (leather, latex, rubber or plastic, nylon, PVC, spandex, fishnet and stainless steel), the statement that a garment everyone wears cannot have a fetish character, and the distinction between fetish clothing and costume clothing.
- Play party (BDSM). Wikipedia. Supplies the layout of a room to socialize, a room to change into fetishwear and a play space, that joining in is not required and the role of watcher valid, and the etiquette that you touch no one and nothing without consent and interrupt no scene.
Related terms
- Slave auction. The game held on such evenings, where participants have their own time auctioned off.
- Public play. What happens in the play space on such an evening, and where the limit lies.
- BDSM. The umbrella that a fetish party is the social side of, with the practices included.
- DM. The dungeon monitor, who enforces the house rules at bigger parties.
- Dungeon. The room with play furniture that the play space at such a party resembles.
- House rules. What holds on such an evening, who enforces it and what you can expect at the door.
- Exhibitionism. Being watched, which a party with house rules is the only place for.
- Corset. One of the garments that fits into almost any dress code.
- Fetish. The preference itself, which is not a condition of entry for such an evening.
- FetLife. The network where such evenings are announced.
- Munch. The step before: getting to know each other in a café, in ordinary clothes and without play.
- Play party. The evening that is about the playing itself instead of the clothing, with the layout of such a venue.
- Uniform fetish. One of the four dress codes at the door, with what a uniform does to the wearer.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about the fetish party.
What is a fetish party?
A fetish party is a night out with a dress code of leather, latex, patent or uniform. The clothing decides entry, not what you plan to do. A fetish party is therefore not automatically a play party: dancing, watching and talking can be the whole evening.
Do you have to join in at a fetish party?
No. The encyclopedia on play parties expressly states that joining in is not required and that the role of watcher is a valid one. What is not allowed: touching someone or someone’s things without consent, and interrupting a scene.
What do you wear to a fetish party?
Where can you go with questions about fetish parties?
With Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He can tell you what to expect on such an evening and what the house rules mean in practice, so you are not the only one coming in without an explanation. You can ask a question with no obligation through the contact form or chat for free first.
Blog
Articles about going out in the scene
One story about how such evenings look from the inside, and two articles about the agreements that apply there.
Married to a gigolo #6: exciting BDSM parties
Anna and Victor deepen their bond through intense sex and BDSM parties, and marry in secret. The finale of her remarkable story.
Safety in the BDSM Context
BDSM safety runs on the traffic-light system and safewords. Here is how you guard your limits and still let go completely.
Consent in BDSM: The Backbone of Safety and Pleasure
Why consent is the backbone of safe BDSM, from limits and safe words to ongoing agreement and aftercare, so you play from trust.
Related service
To a fetish party together
A BDSM party is on the list of scenarios. On the service page you can read how we go over beforehand what you do and do not want that evening, and what you want to wear.
Scenarios
Erotic roleplay and fantasy with a gigolo: cuckolding, a mystery experience, a spontaneous meeting or a rape play scenario, safe and fully your script.
Learn more
Still have questions about fetish parties?
I am Victor. If you are curious about such an evening but do not know what to wear or how the rules work, send me a message. No obligation, and you do not have to be a client to ask something.