BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it: how to handle it
You have a BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it. What you can and can't do, how to have the conversation, and why pushing backfires.
Glossary
Erotic intelligence
Why too much closeness can put out desire, and what you do about it without giving up the safety.
What is erotic intelligence?
Erotic intelligence (Dutch: erotische intelligentie) is the ability to keep desire alive within a steady, safe relationship. The term comes from the Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel. Its core is a paradox: love seeks closeness and certainty, desire lives on distance and mystery, and those two pull in opposite directions.
| Dutch term | erotische intelligentie, from the subtitle of Mating in Captivity |
| Coined by | the Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel, in Mating in Captivity (2006) |
| Category | a view of desire and arousal, in the family of the sexual response cycle |
| Core tension | safety and closeness versus desire and mystery |
| Not to be confused with | erotic distance, which is one idea out of it, the space that desire needs |
| Applies to | couples who love each other but see the fire go out |
Why closeness can put out desire
Erotic intelligence turns on one uncomfortable insight: closer is not always hotter. In her TED talk, Esther Perel sums it up as two clashing needs. According to the TED talk, good, committed sex draws on “our need for security and our need for surprise”. In Mating in Captivity she puts it more sharply: “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery”, quoted from her book.
A recognizable picture: a couple has been together for years, talks about everything, knows exactly how the other loads the dishwasher. The love is large, the desire small. They think something is wrong with their relationship, while something logical is happening: they have crept so close that there is no room left to long for each other. Perel calls that the point where “intimacy collapses into fusion”, and it is precisely that excess of closeness that dampens desire.
Where the term comes from
Erotic intelligence is not a scientific measure but one author’s idea. The encyclopedia states that Perel introduced the concept in her 2006 book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. She is a psychotherapist who works with couples, and she built the concept out of her consulting room, not out of a laboratory.
The line of thought behind it is old and always the same. Perel: “Separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.” And her practical turn on that: “To bring lust home, we need to re-create the distance that we worked so hard to eliminate. Erotic intelligence is about creating distance and then bringing that space to life.” So desire needs a bit of strangeness, even with someone you know through and through.
Why people find it useful
The relief lies in the explanation itself. Anyone who hears that dimmed desire belongs with long love and is no sign of a broken relationship feels the guilt sink away. That is often the start of recovery.
- For you erotic intelligence gives words to something that felt shameful: that you love your partner and yet feel little desire. It turns a reproach into a question.
- For a couple together it points to a way out that neither has to reject: not more talking and merging, but bringing back room and surprise. An evening apart, something new, seeing each other from a distance again for a moment.
- For anyone on their own it explains why a new, uncertain meeting is so charging: the mystery is there of its own accord.
What erotic intelligence does not do: remove contempt, or undo a lie. A conflict that was never spoken it leaves standing just as firmly. Perel writes about desire, not about a relationship lying on the ground. If the pain is there, then distance is no medicine but a risk, and the conversation belongs with a couples therapist.
Misunderstandings about erotic intelligence
“Erotic intelligence means being good in bed.” No. It is not about technique or positions, but about keeping desire alive. Someone can be technically capable of all kinds of things and still feel no desire, and the other way around.
“More intimacy solves desire.” Exactly the other way around, Perel says. “When intimacy collapses into fusion”, desire actually dims. Desire asks for closeness and room, not for sharing everything until there is no secret left.
“It is the same as erotic distance.” Almost, but not quite. Erotic distance is the single idea that desire needs room. Erotic intelligence is the broader skill: being able to create that distance and then bring the room to life.
What I see of it myself
I am Victor, gigolo, more than twenty-five years into BDSM and with a background as a psychotherapist. I see Perel’s paradox back almost every week, only with me it sits on the other side of the table.
Women who book me often love their partner and miss exactly that one thing: the feeling of being desired by someone they do not know inside and out. That I am new does half the work. There is distance, and that distance makes room for desire that had vanished at home.
What strikes me about it is that it is rarely about sex alone. It is about being seen again as someone who is attractive, apart from the role of partner or mother. When that feeling comes back, some take it home with them. That is the finest ending for me.
More reading about erotic intelligence
On this site, erotic distance goes deeper into the room that desire needs, and desire discrepancy is about what you do when two people do not desire equally. A dead bedroom describes where it ends up when the fire goes out entirely.
Beyond this site, Esther Perel’s TED talk is the shortest way in, and her book Mating in Captivity is the full working-out.
Sources
- The secret to desire in a long-term relationship. Esther Perel, TED, 2013. Provides the core that good, committed sex draws on two clashing needs: security and surprise.
- Esther Perel. Wikipedia. Provides the finding that Perel introduced the concept of erotic intelligence in Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) and that she is a psychotherapist.
Related terms
- Erotic distance. The single idea that desire needs room, which erotic intelligence is the broader skill of.
- Desire discrepancy. What is at play when two partners do not desire equally.
- Dead bedroom. The relationship in which the fire has gone out entirely, the extreme of what erotic intelligence wants to prevent.
- Erotic equation. Why obstacles and distance arouse, the mechanism under Perel’s paradox.
- Erotic blueprint. What turns someone on, another model from the same corner.
- Sexual response cycle. The phases of arousal, with desire as the engine underneath.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about erotic intelligence.
What is erotic intelligence?
Erotic intelligence is the ability to keep desire alive in a steady, safe relationship, a concept from psychotherapist Esther Perel. The core is that love seeks closeness while desire needs distance and mystery. Those two needs pull in opposite directions, and erotic intelligence is giving both of them room.
Why does desire fade in a steady relationship?
According to Esther Perel’s erotic intelligence, desire dims not from too little love, but from too much closeness: when intimacy collapses into fusion, no room is left to long for each other. Desire lives on distance and surprise. So dimmed desire in long love is no sign of a broken relationship.
How do you keep desire alive in a relationship?
Erotic intelligence says: bring back distance and surprise instead of merging even more. Think of your own room, something new together, and seeing your partner from a distance again now and then instead of sharing everything. In a relationship where contempt or unspoken conflict is at play, this conversation belongs first with a couples therapist.
Who can you turn to with questions about erotic intelligence?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of BDSM experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He often meets women whose desire vanished at home and tells you, with no strings attached, how a new, calm meeting can do something about it. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles about desire and relationships
This page gives the term. These articles show how desire changes within a bond and how you stay close to each other without losing the fire.
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Learn more
Still have questions about erotic intelligence?
I am Victor, gigolo. I often see women who love their partner and yet miss the desire, and a new, calm meeting sometimes brings back what vanished at home. Want to know how that plays out with me? Ask your question with no strings attached, no obligation, I will text you back at your leisure.