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Glossary
Erotic equation
Why a little distance or tension makes desire hotter, and when an obstacle does harm instead.
What is the erotic equation?
The erotic equation (Dutch: erotische vergelijking) is the formula attraction plus obstacles is arousal. It comes from the American sex therapist Jack Morin and describes how desire arises. Attraction pulls you toward someone, an obstacle holds you at a distance, and it is that very tension that fires up the arousal.
| Dutch term | erotische vergelijking, attraction + obstacles = arousal |
| Coined by | the American sex therapist Jack Morin, in The Erotic Mind (1995) |
| Category | a model of desire and arousal, in the family of the sexual response cycle |
| The formula | attraction + obstacles = arousal |
| Related to | edging and tease and denial, where the obstacle is built in on purpose |
| Key caveat | an obstacle can arouse, but real injustice or pain is not a spice for desire |
How the erotic equation works
The equation says desire needs two things: something that pulls and something that holds back. The sex psychologist Justin Lehmiller sums it up simply: when you feel drawn to something and are told you cannot have it, you end up wanting it more. The obstacle can be almost anything. Distance, waiting, something that is not really allowed, uncertainty about how it will end.
An ordinary situation: two people who like each other but rarely get to see each other. Every meeting charges itself up through all the hours in between. Once they move in together and nothing stands in the way anymore, that charge often falls away exactly, and then they think the attraction disappeared. According to the equation it was not the attraction that disappeared but the obstacle.
Where the term comes from
Jack Morin drew the equation out of a mountain of stories, not out of a theory set in advance. His book The Erotic Mind (1995) is based on a thorough analysis of more than a thousand descriptions of peak experiences in sex. Out of those stories, according to Publishers Weekly, the same shape kept surfacing: “attraction plus obstacles leads to arousal”.
Morin saw a shadow side in it too. That same review notes his finding that sexual obstacles in childhood can form lifelong scripts for arousal. What once felt exciting or forbidden stays the switch that turns someone on later. So the equation describes more than a trick for the moment. It also explains why people get aroused by such widely different things.
Why people find it useful
The pull of the idea is that it solves a riddle. Why was the forbidden crush hotter than the safe relationship? Why does the fire drop the moment everything is allowed? The equation gives a clear answer to that, and that answer takes the blame out of an ordinary story.
- For you the erotic equation explains why a bit of waiting, distance or tension turns you on more than everything at once. It is not a flaw, it is how arousal works.
- For a couple together it points to a way out when desire sags: build in a small obstacle. Anticipation, an evening apart, trying something new, not always being instantly available to each other.
- For anyone who plays with tension it gives the logic under edging and tease and denial: the delay is exactly the obstacle that builds the arousal.
Where it goes wrong: not every obstacle is erotic. Real unavailability, jealousy or injustice do not build tension, they break something down. An obstacle only works as play as long as both people know it is play and the exit stays open.
Misunderstandings about the erotic equation
“More effort always means more arousal.” No. The equation is about an obstacle that teases, not about suffering. Someone who strings you along or hurts you adds no tension but harm. The difference lies in whether the exit stays open.
“If you have to make an effort, the relationship is wrong.” It is exactly the other way around. According to Morin’s equation, a little resistance is itself an engine under desire, and desire often disappears not through too much distance but through too little. Once every obstacle falls away, sometimes the charge falls away too.
“It is the same as erotic intelligence.” They belong together, but it is not one thing. The erotic equation is Morin’s formula about attraction and obstacles; erotic intelligence is Esther Perel’s broader idea about keeping desire alive, which leans on Morin’s formula.
What I see of it myself
I am Victor, gigolo, more than twenty-five years into BDSM and with a background as a psychotherapist. Morin’s formula is built into my work, whether I call it that or not.
A date with me has an obstacle of its own: it is booked, it lasts an evening, it is not just always available. That is exactly what makes the run-up exciting. The hours before a date often do more than the date itself, and that almost always surprises women.
What strikes me about it is how gladly people forget the obstacle itself. They credit the tension to me, while a big part of it sits in the waiting and the marked-off space. I barely have to force anything. The shape of the date does most of the work.
More reading about the erotic equation
On this site, erotic intelligence explains how Esther Perel extends Morin’s idea into steady relationships, and edging and tease and denial show how you build in an obstacle on purpose. Erotic imagination is about the fantasy in which such an obstacle often lives.
Beyond this site, Morin’s book The Erotic Mind is the source itself, and Justin Lehmiller gives a short, well-grounded explanation with the research alongside it.
Sources
- The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment. Jack Morin, 1995. The original source of the erotic equation, based on an analysis of more than a thousand descriptions of peak experiences in sex.
- The Erotic Mind (review). Publishers Weekly. Provides the wording “attraction plus obstacles leads to arousal”, the count of 351 respondents, and the finding that sexual obstacles in childhood form lifelong scripts for arousal.
- The Erotic Equation and Why We’re Drawn to People Who Play Hard to Get. Justin Lehmiller, Sex and Psychology, 2019. Explains the formula attraction + obstacles = arousal and the observation that a forbidden attraction actually strengthens desire.
Related terms
- Erotic intelligence. Esther Perel’s broader idea about keeping desire alive, which leans on Morin’s formula.
- Edging. Building arousal by stopping again and again just before the climax, a built-in obstacle.
- Tease and denial. Teasing and then withholding, exactly the tension the equation describes.
- Erotic imagination. The fantasy in which an obstacle is often experienced safely.
- Erotic blueprint. What turns someone on, where the equation describes what drives the arousal.
- Sexual response cycle. The phases of arousal, with desire as the engine underneath.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about the erotic equation.
What is the erotic equation?
The erotic equation is the formula attraction plus obstacles is arousal, coined by the American sex therapist Jack Morin. It says desire needs two things: an attraction that pulls you toward someone, and an obstacle that holds you at a distance, like waiting or the forbidden. That tension makes desire hotter.
Why do you want exactly what you cannot have?
According to the erotic equation, an obstacle strengthens desire: what you cannot simply have, you end up wanting more. The delay, the distance or the forbidden charges up the attraction. What matters is that it is a teasing obstacle and not real injustice or pain, because that actually breaks desire down.
How do you use the erotic equation in a relationship?
You apply the erotic equation by deliberately bringing back a small obstacle when desire sags: anticipation, an evening apart, something new, not always being instantly available to each other. The play of delay in edging works on the same tension. Keep the obstacle playful and the exit open, or it turns into frustration instead of arousal.
Who can you turn to with questions about the erotic equation?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of BDSM experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He works naturally with the tension of distance and run-up that the erotic equation describes, and he will tell you how that feels with no strings attached. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles about desire and tension
This page gives the term. These articles show how desire, distance and tension play together in practice within a bond.
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Learn more
Still have questions about the erotic equation?
I am Victor, gigolo. A date with me has a bit of distance and run-up of its own, and that is exactly what makes the tension. Want to know how that plays out with me? Ask your question with no strings attached, no obligation, I will text you back at your leisure.