Dominatrix

What is a dominatrix?

Dominatrix (in the scene also Pro Dom or pro-domme) is the term for a woman who fills the dominant role professionally, for pay. The word is Latin and reached Dutch by way of English. Unlike Domina, the professional sense is present in almost every use.

What a dominatrix does in practice

She devises and leads a scene that someone else pays for, and she sets its limits.

What stands out about the work is how much does not happen. The encyclopedia describes the common practice this way: professional dominatrices usually do not have intercourse with their clients, do not go naked, and do not let clients touch them. What remains is direction: commands, waiting, posture, bondage, pain when that has been agreed, and a lot of talking beforehand.

Sociologist Danielle Lindemann did fieldwork on it and interviewed professional dominatrices in New York and San Francisco for her book Dominatrix (University of Chicago Press, 2012). Her conclusion runs straight against the picture of a simple transaction: she describes the work as therapeutic and analytical in nature.

A typical sequence: a client gets in touch by email with a fantasy and a list of limits, a conversation follows, and only after that a session of one or two hours in the studio. What he describes beforehand and what he turns out to need during the session are rarely the same.

Where the word dominatrix comes from

The word has existed for centuries, but not in this sense.

Etymonline first records dominatrix in the 1560s, as a term for a domineering female figure, and notes that the word stayed rare until late in the twentieth century. It is built from domination plus the Latin feminine suffix -trix, the counterpart of -tor. The current sense, the woman who takes on the sadistic role in sadomasochistic play, is recorded only from 1970. For domination itself, the sexual sense appears around 1961.

So for four centuries a dominatrix was mostly a rhetorical figure. The profession we mean now is younger than most of the people who practice it.

Why people book a dominatrix

Because with her you can ask for something you have never said out loud at home, without a relationship attached to it.

What it delivers differs per person involved.

• For the client the gain is the combination of discretion and expertise: someone who does this daily is not shocked and has heard the fantasy before.
• For the dominatrix herself it is paid work with craft, and according to Lindemann work with an analytical side that comes up less in other forms of sex work.
• For a partner at home it can be a relief when a desire exists that does not fit inside the relationship. That only works if it has been talked about. Arranged in silence, it costs more than it gives.

The work itself has been studied, and the outcome is surprising. Pinsky and Levey analyzed in-depth interviews, memoirs, and blogs of professional dominatrices for Sexualities. Where other sex workers often have to fake interest and act flirtatious, a dominatrix is sometimes asked for indifference or displeasure instead. And then the line that tips the picture: although her work is defined by dominance and sometimes involves aggression, compassionate and caring qualities may be just as decisive for her emotional labor.

This is work, not a relationship and not therapy. That it can feel therapeutic does not make it treatment, and a dominatrix is not a care provider.

Misconceptions about dominatrices

“A dominatrix is a sadist in latex and leather.” The look is imagery from films and photography. The research by Pinsky and Levey points instead to caring qualities as the core of the work.

“It is just paid sex.” Usually not. The common practice rules out intercourse, and that is not prudishness but a professional boundary.

“A dominatrix does therapy.” Lindemann calls the work therapeutic and analytical in nature, and that is a description of what happens, not a professional qualification. Anyone looking for treatment is better off with a therapist.

What I see of it myself

I am Victor, a gigolo, in the BDSM world since 1990 and with a background as a psychotherapist. In practice I am the male counterpart of this profession: on a bdsm date I get paid to fill the dominant role. The comparison does not fully hold, because with me sex is among the options and with most dominatrices it is not.

That second half I recognize at once from that research. People book sternness and get attention. The hard part is the easiest. The paying attention is the craft.

And I see this too: women who are thinking about visiting a dominatrix think they need to be able to do something. They do not. You only need to be able to say what you do not want.

What you can do yourself

• Read her limits before you send your own wishes. Most dominatrices put exactly what they do and do not do on their site, and they stick to it.
• Describe one fantasy concretely instead of ten vaguely. A session gets better from detail than from volume.
• Ask about the rate, the length, and the cancellation terms before you book. This is work, and clear arrangements are part of it.
• Agree on a safeword and ask how she handles aftercare, even if you expect not to need it.

More reading about this profession

On this site the role itself is worked out at dominant, and the Dutch and German title at Domina. What happens to the dominant side afterward is at domdrop.

Off this site, the article by Pinsky and Levey is the best piece on what this work asks emotionally, and the book by Danielle Lindemann gives the fullest picture of the profession itself.

Sources

• ‘A world turned upside down’: Emotional labour and the professional dominatrix. Dina Pinsky & Tania G. Levey, Sexualities 18(4), 438–458, 2015. Backs up that a dominatrix is sometimes asked for indifference or displeasure where other sex workers must fake interest, and that compassionate and caring qualities may be just as decisive for her emotional labor.
• Dominatrix: Gender, Eroticism, and Control in the Dungeon. Danielle J. Lindemann, University of Chicago Press, 2012. Fieldwork and interviews with professional dominatrices in New York and San Francisco. Provides the description of the work as therapeutic and analytical in nature.
• Etymology of dominatrix. Online Etymology Dictionary. Provides the first record in the 1560s, the suffix -trix, the rarity of the word until late in the twentieth century, and the current sense from 1970.
• Dominatrix. Wikipedia. Provides the use of pro-domme for the paid dominant woman and the common professional boundaries: no intercourse, not naked, and not being touched by clients.

Related terms

• Domina. The same profession, but under the Latin title.
• Dominant. The role apart from money and gender.
• Dom. The abbreviation at the front of Pro Dom.
• Domdrop. The comedown that professional dominants know too.
• BDSM. The umbrella this profession falls under.
• Sex work. The other umbrella, which is about the payment rather than the practice.
• Femdom. The dynamic a dominatrix offers professionally, and that exists just as well unpaid.
• Findom. The form where the money itself is the surrender, often fully at a distance.
• Meesteres. The Dutch word for the same role, with its own word history.
• Mistress. The English title, and why outside the scene it can point two ways.
• Prodomme. The same profession under the word the profession itself uses.
• Pro Dom. The same profession on the male side, with the Dutch rules included.