Femdom is the dynamic in which the woman is the leading party and the other the receiving one. The word is a contraction of female dominance and describes a relationship, not a person. Femdom can last one scene or be an ongoing arrangement.

What is the difference between femdom and a dominatrix?

Femdom is the relationship, a dominatrix is a profession. Most femdom happens between people who know each other and without any money involved. The woman in such a dynamic is called Domme or Domina ; only when there is payment is dominatrix the right word.

How often do women fantasize about being dominant?

More often than people think. Joyal, Cossette and Lapierre put 55 sexual fantasies to 1,516 adults, 799 of them women, and found that themes of dominance and of submission were common for both men and women. The two were also significantly linked, so it is not either-or.

Is being in charge in femdom the easy side?

No, and that has been checked. Hébert and Weaver interviewed nine dominants and twelve submissives; the problems that only the dominant role named were more work, more responsibility and possessive submissives. The gains that only that role named were control or power, rewards and self-confidence.

How do you start with femdom?

With one scene and one thing, not with a relationship form. Choose only orgasm control or only service, for example, agree where the relationship stops, and arrange aftercare for yourself and not only for the other person. With femdom the backlash hits the leading side too; see domdrop .

Where can you go with questions about femdom?

With Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He works from the dominant side himself, so femdom with him as the receiving party is not something he offers; the conversation about it is, and the question he hears most often here is whether it does not come across as ridiculous. You can send a message with no obligation through the contact form or chat for free first.

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Glossary

Femdom

Not a person but a relationship. Who decides, how long that lasts and what it asks of her.

What is femdom?

Femdom (a contraction of female dominance) is the dynamic in which the woman is the leading party and the other the receiving one. So femdom describes a relationship and not a person: the word for the person is Domme, Domina or dominatrix. Femdom can last one scene or a whole relationship.

Dutch term	Identical; Dutch uses femdom unchanged, the common contraction of female dominance
What it describes	the relationship, not the person
The person is called	Domme, Domina or dominatrix, depending on title and payment
Counterpart	maledom, the same dynamic with the man on the leading side
Category	D/s, the branch of BDSM that needs no pain or rope
Duration	from a single scene to an ongoing arrangement, all the way to 24/7
Says nothing about	whether money changes hands, and whether sex is part of it

What femdom means in practice

That one person decides, and that this person is her. Everything after that is detail.

In practice you see two very different sizes. The first is the loose scene: an evening in which she decides what happens and in what order, with a beginning and an end. The second is an ongoing arrangement in which the relationship holds outside the bedroom too, in the form of rules, asking permission, or tasks. What actually happens can be all sorts of things: service, orgasm control, chastity, punishment, worship. None of those things is femdom; they are what femdom uses that evening.

A typical run of the first size: beforehand you agree what is allowed and what is not, during the scene she gives directions and he follows them, and afterward the relationship falls away and the aftercare follows. That last part is not a given. The one who was in charge needs a landing too, and with femdom that comes into view less often than with the reverse relationship.

How common femdom is

More often as a fantasy than as a practice. For The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Joyal, Cossette and Lapierre put 55 sexual fantasies to 1,516 adults, 799 women and 717 men. Their finding on this subject is short and clear: themes of submission and of dominance were common for both men and women, and the two were also significantly linked.

Two things follow from that. Dominance fantasies are no exception among women, and it is not either-or: someone who fantasizes about one side often fantasizes about the other too. That explains why many people who recognize themselves in femdom do not describe themselves as exclusively dominant.

What those numbers do not say is how often it actually happens. A fantasy is not a practice, and the step from one to the other is exactly what people put off the most.

Why people seek out femdom

For a relationship that is rarely laid out so explicitly in daily life.

On her side the pull is often not the power itself but the falling away of the question of whether it is allowed. Someone who spends all day at home accommodating others gets a few hours here where the premise is turned around. On his side the draw sits in the opposite: having to choose nothing.

What it can yield for each person involved, and there is research for this:

For the one in charge. In The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, Hébert and Weaver interviewed nine dominants and twelve submissives. The gains that only the dominant role named were control or power, rewards, and self-confidence.
For the one receiving, the gain is that a relationship which otherwise has to be spelled out in words simply holds here.
For a couple together, femdom forces a conversation about who decides what, and that conversation carries on after the scene.

From the same study comes the counterweight: the problems that only the dominant role named were more work and more responsibility, plus possessive submissives. So femdom is not the easy side. Anyone who imagines that leading is mostly leaning back is in for a surprise.

What femdom is not

“Femdom is the same as booking a dominatrix.” A dominatrix is a profession, femdom is a relationship. Most femdom happens between people who know each other and where no money is involved.

“Femdom means she is always dominant.” Rarely. Joyal and colleagues found that fantasies about dominance and about submission are significantly linked, so someone who seeks one side often has an interest in the other too.

“Femdom is about pain.” Not necessarily. Femdom falls under D/s, the branch where power is the subject and where no blow has to land.

“Women who do this have something wrong with them.” That has been looked at and the opposite came out. In The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Wismeijer and van Assen compared 902 BDSM practitioners with 434 control participants: the first group was less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection and more satisfied with life, and at the same time less agreeable. Their conclusion: BDSM is better understood as a leisure pursuit than as an expression of psychopathology.

What I see of it myself

I am Victor, a gigolo, twenty-five years in BDSM and trained as a psychotherapist. I work from the dominant side myself; femdom with me as the receiving party is not what I offer. What I do have to say about it comes from the conversations.

The question is rarely about technique. Women who bring this up almost never ask how you do something. They ask whether it does not come across as ridiculous. So the step is not practical but social, and with femdom that step is bigger than with the reverse relationship, because fewer examples of it exist.

The second thing: it often goes wrong on the aftercare of the wrong person. The one who received is cared for well and the one who was in charge is not, while the backlash comes there just as much. There is more on that at domdrop.

What you can do yourself

Start with one scene and not with a relationship form, so you notice what leading does to you before you build arrangements on it.
Agree where the relationship stops, meaning whether it holds only during the scene or outside it too, and say that in so many words.
Count on the responsibility, because in Hébert and Weaver’s study the dominant role named more work and more responsibility as the hard part.
Arrange aftercare for yourself and not only for the other person, because the backlash hits the leading side too.
Pick one thing to start with instead of a list; orgasm control or service alone is enough for a first time.
Say it out loud if you wonder whether it comes across as ridiculous, because with femdom that is the question that otherwise hangs over the whole evening.

Sources

What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy?. Joyal, Cossette & Lapierre, The Journal of Sexual Medicine 12(2), 328–340, 2015. Internet survey of 1,516 adults (799 women, 717 men) who rated 55 fantasies; establishes that themes of submission and of dominance were common for both men and women and were significantly linked.
Perks, problems, and the people who play: A qualitative exploration of dominant and submissive BDSM roles. Hébert & Weaver, The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 49–62, 2015. Interviews with nine dominants and twelve submissives; supplies the dominant-specific gains of control or power, rewards and self-confidence, and the dominant-specific problems of more work and responsibility and possessive submissives.
Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. Wismeijer & van Assen, The Journal of Sexual Medicine 10(8), 1943–1952, 2013. Establishes that 902 BDSM participants, against 434 control participants, turned out less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious and less sensitive to rejection, with higher subjective well-being and less agreeableness, and the conclusion that BDSM is better understood as a leisure pursuit than as an expression of psychopathology.

D/s. The dynamic that femdom is a form of, with the agreements that go with it.
Domme. The word for the person who leads in a femdom dynamic.
Domina. The title, and where it lands differently in Dutch than in German.
Dominatrix. The profession, which offers femdom for payment.
Domdrop. The backlash on the leading side, which is skipped most often with femdom.
Dominant. The role itself, apart from the gender of whoever fills it.
Meesteres. The Dutch title for the woman who leads in such a relationship.
Herrin. The German form of address within this relationship, with the formal Sie that often goes with it.
Prodomme. The paid form of femdom, and the word that profession uses for itself.
Trampling. One of the forms that occurs almost only within femdom, with the figures on pressure and breathing.
Maledom. The mirrored relationship, and the page that explains why that word is so much rarer than this one.

Frequently asked questions

What people still ask about femdom.

What is femdom?
Femdom is the dynamic in which the woman is the leading party and the other the receiving one. The word is a contraction of female dominance and describes a relationship, not a person. Femdom can last one scene or be an ongoing arrangement.
What is the difference between femdom and a dominatrix?
Femdom is the relationship, a dominatrix is a profession. Most femdom happens between people who know each other and without any money involved. The woman in such a dynamic is called Domme or Domina; only when there is payment is dominatrix the right word.
How often do women fantasize about being dominant?
More often than people think. Joyal, Cossette and Lapierre put 55 sexual fantasies to 1,516 adults, 799 of them women, and found that themes of dominance and of submission were common for both men and women. The two were also significantly linked, so it is not either-or.
Is being in charge in femdom the easy side?
No, and that has been checked. Hébert and Weaver interviewed nine dominants and twelve submissives; the problems that only the dominant role named were more work, more responsibility and possessive submissives. The gains that only that role named were control or power, rewards and self-confidence.
How do you start with femdom?
With one scene and one thing, not with a relationship form. Choose only orgasm control or only service, for example, agree where the relationship stops, and arrange aftercare for yourself and not only for the other person. With femdom the backlash hits the leading side too; see domdrop.
Where can you go with questions about femdom?
With Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He works from the dominant side himself, so femdom with him as the receiving party is not something he offers; the conversation about it is, and the question he hears most often here is whether it does not come across as ridiculous. You can send a message with no obligation through the contact form or chat for free first.

Learn more

Still have questions about femdom?

I am Victor. I work from the dominant side, so femdom with me as the receiving party is not something I offer. Want to talk about it, or figure out what exactly you are looking for before you approach someone else? Send me a message. No obligation, and I say honestly when something is not my area.

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