Dom

What does Dom mean?

Dom (Dutch: dom) is the abbreviation of dominant and at the same time the form of address for the person who takes the lead in a BDSM dynamic. The word points to the person, not the act. What the role involves and what it asks is on the page about the dominant. This page is about the word itself.

How the word Dom is used

Dom shows up in three places: in profiles, in address, and in compounds.

In profile texts and ads, Dom works as a label. “Dom seeks sub” is the shortest possible way to say which side someone wants to be on, and being able to be that short is exactly why the abbreviation won out over the full word.

In address it works differently. Someone who says “yes, Dom” during a session uses it as a title, the way others use Meneer, Sir, or Meester. The choice between those words changes the tone of a scene more than people expect beforehand.

And then the compounds, where the word turns up most often: a Daddy Dom is the caring variant, a Pro Dom works professionally, and domdrop is what can happen to the Dom afterward. That row shows that in the scene Dom has become more of a building block than an abbreviation.

Why the capital letter

The capital letter is a writing convention that makes visible something you do not hear in spoken language.

The encyclopedia describes it this way: some people in the D/s world write words and names that refer to dominants with a capital letter and those referring to submissives without, hence the spelling D/s. Others do not. The habit became popular in internet chatrooms, where it was handy to see at once which side the writer was on.

Two things to remember. The convention is not a rule, and someone who does not follow it is saying nothing by that. And the capital letter is about the role within the dynamic, not about rank in ordinary life.

Where the word comes from

Dom is an abbreviation of dominant, which through the Latin dominari goes back to dominus, “lord, master”, and behind that to domus, “house”.

Here Dutch gets fun for a moment. The Etymologiebank shows that the Dutch word dom for a cathedral was taken from French around 1574, via the Italian duomo, and that this word too goes back to the Latin domus. So the Cologne Dom (the cathedral) and the Dom from “yes, Dom” come from the same Latin house, along two routes that had not seen each other for two thousand years.

The adjective dom, in the sense “dim, not very bright”, stands entirely apart from that. It is a Germanic word related to doof (“deaf”). Three words, one spelling, and that explains why a Dutch text about BDSM without a capital letter goes wrong so quickly.

Why people use this word

Because it is short, and because it weighs less than the alternatives.

Meester sounds like ownership, Meneer sounds formal, Sir sounds English. Dom is the neutral word in that set: it names the position without building a story around it. For someone who has to say something out loud for the first time, that is a lower threshold.

On top of that, Dom has become an identity word. Hébert and Weaver open their interview study with the observation that many BDSM practitioners identify themselves as predominantly dominant or predominantly submissive. People place themselves under it, the way you place yourself under a trade or a club. That explains why the word matters more in profiles than in bed.

A word does not make the role. Someone who calls himself Dom has not thereby made any agreements or talked through any limits. Aftercare is not arranged anywhere yet either. The label is the easiest part.

Misconceptions about the word Dom

“A Dom is a man.” The encyclopedia calls Doms explicitly gender-free and reserves only Domme for the female spelling. In practice many people still read it as male, which is why women reach more often for Domina.

“Dom and top are the same.” According to that same source, top and bottom refer to the active and the passive role, and there is no requirement that the dominant is also the top. They often coincide, no more than that.

“Anyone who uses a capital letter thinks they are better.” The spelling comes from chatrooms and is a practical aid, not a ranking outside the dynamic.

What I see of it myself

I am Victor, a gigolo, over twenty-five years into BDSM and with a background as a psychotherapist. I myself would rather hear Meneer than Dom, and that is pure taste.

The word is often the first stumbling block. Women who know exactly what they want do not know what to call me, and do not dare to ask. Then nothing happens for ten minutes.

My solution is banal: I just ask, before we begin. Which word suits you. Sometimes that is Dom, sometimes something else, and once it was simply my first name. That worked too. On a bdsm date I take on that role, and how you address me we agree together.

What you can do yourself

• Agree on the form of address beforehand, in the same breath as the limits. Waiting until the moment arrives costs more nerve than it is worth.
• Write Dom with a capital letter when you write in a D/s context, because for those in the know it reads right at once.
• Find another word if Dom does not roll off the tongue. Meneer, Sir, Meester, or a name: the role does not change from it.

More reading about this word

On this site the role itself is worked out on the page about the dominant, and the blog category on dominance is about what power exchange between two people does.

Off this site, the encyclopedia entry on dominance and submission gives the most concise overview of the terms Dom, Domme, sub, and switch and of how they relate to top and bottom.

Sources

• Dominance and submission. Wikipedia. Provides that Doms are called that regardless of gender and Domme is female, the capital-letter writing convention that became popular in internet chatrooms, and the distinction between dominant/submissive and top/bottom.
• dom (cathedral). Etymologiebank, with the etymological dictionaries of Philippa et al. (2003–2009) and Schröder (1980). Provides the origin of the Dutch dom for cathedral around 1574 via the Italian duomo from the Latin domus, and the separate adjective dom related to doof.
• Perks, Problems, and the People Who Play: A Qualitative Exploration of Dominant and Submissive BDSM Roles. Ali Hébert & Angela Weaver, The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 49–62, 2015. Provides the observation that many BDSM practitioners identify themselves as predominantly dominant or predominantly submissive.

Related terms

• Dominant. The full word, and everything about what the role involves.
• Domina. The female title chosen more often than Domme.
• Domme. The female spelling of exactly this word.
• Dominatrix. The same role as a profession, on the female side.
• Pro Dom. The same role as a profession, with the labor and legal side included.
• Domdrop. The compound you only need once it is over.
• Daddy Dom. The best-known compound with this word.
• D/s. The notation the capital D comes from.
• Meesteres. The Dutch title for the female counterpart.
• Sub. The label for the other side, and why it establishes nothing about behavior.
• Switch. Someone who does both sides, with the research that takes switches as its main subject.
• Sir. The English form of address from the same set, with the origin of the word included.