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Podcast interview: Victor on BDSM and being a gigolo
Mistress Moria interviews Victor for BDSM Vrouw Podcast #35 about his work as a BDSM gigolo.
Rather listen than read? Listen to the interview
Introduction
Mistress Moria: Welcome to the BDSM Vrouw podcast. In this episode I sit down with Victor. Victor is a BDSM gigolo, and naturally I want to know more about that. Victor, would you introduce yourself to the listeners?
Victor: My name is Victor. I am a BDSM gigolo. Born and raised in Brabant. At a certain point I thought: hey, I really enjoy connecting with women. And a friend told me, “It is so nice to be able to come to your place. More women would benefit from that.” I thought, well, let us see. BDSM gigolo.
Why a BDSM gigolo?
You do not hear that often. Usually it is pro-dom or just gigolo. Why that specific label?
I came to it because I really enjoy BDSM and I almost always combine it with sexual interaction. BDSM makes me very happy and very aroused. Those two mix together.
If I called myself only a dom, I think the separation would be bigger. Now the combination of BDSM and sexual interaction comes closer. That is why I chose that name.
How long have you been doing this work?
I am about a year in now. Just to see how it goes, whether there is interest, who shows up, who enjoys it.
Is there interest?
Yes, there is actually quite a lot of interest. From women who have heard of BDSM or watched Fifty Shades of Grey and want to do something with it. But how do you find someone trustworthy? How do you find someone to experiment with carefully, someone you know in advance will also listen to what I want and to my limits.
Who can book?
Can only women make an appointment? Or are you also available for men or couples?
I am available for women and for couples. I do not play with men.
So submissive men do not need to come knocking?
Correct.
The typical client
What kind of women look for you? And do you have your own preferences here?
The type of women who book me so far are people who are interested in BDSM but do not quite know how to go about it. Women who are still discovering.
Sometimes they say, “I want a really hard session.” Then I bring all my tips and tools and tricks. And then it turns out they have never done anything with BDSM. So then it is very calm: getting to know each other, building up, sensation play, feeling.
Those are the typical women who are looking for depth or exploration.
I do not have a preference when it comes to a type of person. It is more about the energy. Looks do nothing for me at all, but an energy I find attractive.
Nervous clients
Those women arrive very nervous. How do you put them at ease?
I am very sensitive, so I feel someone’s energy strongly. If someone is very nervous: a hug, or just sitting on the couch for a bit, chatting about small talk, the weather. So the energy can settle. So they can come back to themselves.
As a person I am very calm. And that energy is contagious. People become calmer in my presence too. It took me a long time before I could even say this, because to me it is completely normal.
When we meet for the first time: sitting on the couch, leaning against each other for a moment, a hug. Sometimes that is without saying anything. Just being zen. Coming back to yourself.
The taboo
When I recently posted a writing on FetLife about BDSM gigolos, an interesting discussion came out of it right away. There is still a taboo around hiring a gigolo. Can you explain where that comes from?
I think it is indeed broader: there is a taboo around calling on a gigolo in general.
One of the things that plays a part is the man-woman dynamic, almost culturally bound, that a man pays for that kind of service more easily than a woman. That it is also a bit more dangerous for a woman to go looking for it.
And these are guesses, because I am not a woman. It would be interesting to give listeners the chance to weigh in: why yes, why no?
The taboo around paying for sex also has to do with the perception of: I could also go to the bar and pick someone up. With all the risks that come with that. Whether there is a click or not, whether it is dangerous or not. I think there is a difference there with men who visit an escort.
What exactly is your added value compared to someone you pick up at the bar?
With me you know very clearly where you stand. Setting limits. You know: I keep an eye on your limits, I keep an eye on your wishes. There are no hidden agendas. It is discreet. I am not suddenly at your door a week later. You do not know what could happen with someone from the bar.
Aftercare
During that discussion on FetLife there were worried comments about aftercare. An important part of BDSM. How far do your services reach? Not a quick “was it nice?” but more like checking in the next day on how someone is really doing.
I found it a very interesting discussion. Actually I had never given it much thought, because to me it is completely normal.
As I said on FetLife: if you are at the dentist and you had a filling put in, and you call two days later, the dentist does not say, “Yeah, tough luck, too bad.”
After a fantastic experience I first take the time to land, right there. It is not that my alarm goes off with: oh, two hours, I have to run, I still have to catch the bus.
Afterward I also stay in touch with people. I usually send a message one day later. And another two or three days after that. To sense: how are you doing? And if I notice someone is really struggling with it: well, then let us call.
I find that aftercare very important.
Yes, especially within BDSM that is very important and sadly often a neglected child. Certainly in the commercial circuit.
Well, I think in the individual scene too. Not even commercial, but in the dating world with BDSM. I have heard stories of a man who, right after the play, while the woman was still coming down, ran off because he had to catch his bus.
Limits
Do you also have limits when it comes to BDSM? Or can it not be crazy enough?
Beyond the legal limits that are a no-go: scat and watersports are not really my thing. Lasting damage is not really my thing. Physically, but emotionally too.
The aspect of humiliation I find very hard to place for myself. Humiliation in the play, without it becoming lasting emotional or psychological damage, I am completely fine with. You can broaden the play with it. But the moment I have even the slightest feeling of: okay, this touches a trauma. Then I stay away from it. Then I do not play with that kind of theme.
Have you ever experienced during a scene that with humiliation you touched something you should have stayed away from?
No. That has to do with the fact that the kind of humiliation I do is more physical. Making someone crawl, that sort of thing. Not so much spitting in the face or calling people out over certain body types.
I have experienced someone ending up in a trauma during play because of a physical action. I was doing breath play, which I really enjoy doing, and someone shot deep into a trauma of having once been attacked.
At that moment the play simply stopped as well. We sat down, landed, talked, so it could fully settle again. Afterward the trauma was a lot smaller. Almost resolved, really.
Personal development
On your website I read that personal development is important to you. You write about self-development, about reading books, always looking for ways to grow. You even call it an inner journey. What have you learned about yourself these past years? What has been the most important moment of growth?
Wow! I have been working on personal development since I was twenty. I cannot pin it to one specific experience.
But a very important moment of growth for me these last few years has to do with stepping out of my comfort zone. Doing things that are maybe a bit unusual socially. Coloring outside the lines, without it being illegal, without it harming anyone, but which do give a whole lot of freedom in what you do and do not do.
That gives me peace and also a lot of extra moments of joy.
Can you give an example?
Yes. It can be something as simple as telling the baker, “I did not like that bread at all. Do you have a tastier roll?” But in a fun way. “What is your tastiest bread? No, it has to be much tastier.” And to make a funny, almost improv-theater intervention in the shop, one that is fun for both of us.
Are you into improv theater?
I really enjoy improv theater. I have done improv theater and I have done clowning.
I have given a lot of trainings. Psychological mind-body trainings. The reason I started doing improv theater was to sit more freely in my body, more freely in my reaction patterns, and to be able to be more expressive.
I can definitely recommend it to people who want to stand a little more freely in life.
Does that take a lot of creativity?
Yes, and a whole lot of letting go of existing constructs. “Am I allowed to say this? Am I allowed to do this?” Because usually when you think that, there is a delay in it. And if you then actually do say it, really fun things can happen.
What makes Victor happy?
What can really make you happy?
What really makes me happy is when people somehow report back that they have grown.
Last week I got a message back from someone I saw two or three years ago: “What you said to me back then had so much influence on me that I am still happy with it.”
Yes, that warms me deeply, on the inside.
That is always lovely to hear.
An expiration date
By the way, is there an expiration date on a gigolo? Is there a maximum age, or is it a never ending story?
For me the story lasts as long as I enjoy it. If I no longer have fun in it, then I stop.
I do think you have to be able to have a lot of fun and radiate that fun. If at some point you are at an age or mental state where you no longer enjoy it, or no longer enjoy life. Yes, then you should not do it.
And what about physically?
Yes, physically you also still have to be able to perform.
A message for the female listeners
Do you have a last message for the female listeners?
Why is there a stigma on asking for a male gigolo? Why is a female escort reasonably normal and a male gigolo not?
I would like it if a discussion started about that.
So ladies, if you have something sensible to say about that, please email. And if there are curious women, how can they reach you?
They can reach me directly on my website, gigolo-victor.com. There is a red button there: “Send me a wink.” You can send me a nice wink, and then we have a conversation.
“With me you know very clearly where you stand. Setting limits. There are no hidden agendas.”
“I find that aftercare very important. It is not that my alarm goes off with: oh, two hours, I have to run.”
“Looks do nothing for me at all, but an energy I find attractive.”
Victor