BDSM gigolo

What is a BDSM gigolo?

A BDSM gigolo is a man you hire to take the role of a calm, experienced dominant, within limits you set beforehand. He steers the play with power and surrender, sometimes with pain, always with your consent and an agreed safeword. A dominant gigolo, in other words.

What a date with a BDSM gigolo looks like

A date with a BDSM gigolo does not start with pain or rope, it starts with a talk. First we go through what you want, what you definitely do not want, and which word stops everything.

Take an evening that comes up often. You arrive, tense, and we take our time. I tie your wrists loosely, put a blindfold on you, and build it up slowly, feeling the whole time how it lands with you. Say the safeword and everything goes still. Afterward I stay with you for the aftercare, until you are calm again. According to the encyclopedia, a gigolo is a man hired by a woman for sex or companionship, and a BDSM gigolo is that man in the dominant role.

How dominance and surrender work

A BDSM gigolo works with what the scene calls dominance and submission, shortened to D/s. Dominance and submission is a set of behaviours, customs and rituals in which one person submits to another, in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle. One takes the lead, the dominant, the other hands it over on purpose, the submissive.

Handing it over is the heart of it, and it only works when it is given freely. Since the 1980s the scene sums that up in the motto SSC: safe activities, a sound mind, and the consent of everyone involved. An agreed safeword stops the play at any moment, however far in you are.

Why women want a dominant gigolo

Women rarely want a dominant gigolo for the pain itself, and more often for what sits under it: not having to decide anything for a while, putting the control in the hands of someone who can carry it. Surrender comes easier with a man who keeps it calm than with one who still has to prove himself.

What you get out of it differs. For you it is the room to let go without having to steer the other person or reassure him. For a couple it is an experienced third who carries the scene, so both of you can release inside agreements that are set in advance.

That BDSM is not a sign of a problem has been studied too. A study of 902 BDSM practitioners in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (2013) found that on average they were less neurotic, more open and more content than the control group, and that the scores were most favourable for those who chose the dominant role. The researchers concluded that BDSM is better thought of as a recreational leisure than as the expression of anything pathological.

Expect no miracle. A dominant gigolo is not a therapist, and a scene does not heal pain that sits deeper. It stays one evening, with a beginning and an end that you decide.

How people book a BDSM gigolo

A BDSM gigolo you usually book directly with the man himself. Beforehand you fill in together what is allowed, what is not, and what you still want to try. The scene calls that a yes-no-maybe list. Then you agree a safeword and a place where you feel safe.

The forms vary. Soft bondage and a blindfold for someone starting out, a scene built around power exchange with no pain, or heavier impact play for someone with experience. In every form the build-up is the same: start gently, go further as long as it feels good, and always end with aftercare.

BDSM gigolo versus escort and ordinary gigolo

“A BDSM gigolo is just an escort who plays rough.” That is not right. With an escort sex is usually the product. With a BDSM gigolo the power exchange is the core, and sex comes into it only as far as you want. Roughness without agreements is not BDSM, it is a breach of boundaries.

“The dominant is the boss, so he decides.” Not that either. The one who surrenders holds the real control, because one word from you stops everything. An experienced dominant gigolo knows that, and builds the whole scene around your limits rather than his.

What I see myself

I am Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. Most of a BDSM date is building calm and trust, not the intensity itself. That comes only when you are ready for it.

The question that almost always comes up is whether a dominant gigolo is going to hurt you without your having any say in it. The opposite is true. You set the limits, I stay under them, and when in doubt we stop. Dominance, to me, is steering with care, not hardness.

What to arrange beforehand

• Agree a safeword before anything happens, and a signal for when you cannot speak. No safeword, no scene.
• Put on a yes-no-maybe list what you want, what you do not want, and what you are not sure about yet. That steers the whole evening.
• Choose a place where you feel at ease, and feel free to set up a safety call with someone who knows where you are.
• Plan for aftercare. After an intense scene a dip can follow, subdrop, and taking a moment to come back is part of it.
• The mistake beginners make is thinking surrender means you have lost control. You hand it over for a while, and you take it back with a single word.

Where to learn more about a BDSM gigolo

• BDSM. Explains the umbrella term a dominant gigolo works within, from bondage to surrender.
• Dominant. Describes the role a BDSM gigolo takes on, and what that role does and does not involve.
• Dominance and submission on Wikipedia. The encyclopedic account of power exchange, useful for seeing where the role comes from.
• Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners by Wismeijer and Van Assen (2013). The study that places BDSM alongside, not under, ordinary psychology.

Where this fits on my site

If you are looking for someone who takes the dominant role calmly and with experience, inside limits you set, that is exactly what I do. My BDSM date shows how an appointment with me unfolds, from the talk up front to the aftercare. If you would rather feel out whether it clicks first, send me a question. Nothing binds you.

Sources

• Gigolo. Wikipedia. Establishes the definition that a gigolo is a man hired by a woman for sex or companionship.
• Dominance and submission. Wikipedia. Establishes D/s as a set of behaviours and rituals of power exchange between a dominant and a submissive, carried by consent.
• Safe, sane and consensual. Wikipedia. Establishes the SSC motto: safe activities, a sound mind and the consent of all involved, in use since the 1980s.
• Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. A.A.J. Wismeijer and M.A.L.M. van Assen, The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2013. Establishes the finding that BDSM practitioners had, on average, favourable psychological characteristics and that BDSM is better seen as recreational leisure than as pathological.

Related terms

A BDSM gigolo is a gigolo who takes the dominant role, the man you hire for consensual play with power and surrender.

• Gigolo. The broader term, a man who offers company and intimacy for pay, of which a BDSM gigolo is one form.
• Dominant. The role a BDSM gigolo plays, the one who takes the lead in the play.
• Maledom. The male dominant, which is exactly what a dominant gigolo is for pay.
• BDSM. The frame of bondage, dominance and surrender in which the appointment takes place.
• Male companion. The softer side of what you can hire, where attention is the core instead of power exchange.