Penetration

What is penetration?

Penetration is the inserting of a body part or object into a body opening, usually the vagina, anus, or mouth, during sex. That can be a penis, a finger, the tongue, or a sex toy. Penetration is one form of sex, not the only one, and certainly not the measure sex should meet.

What penetration looks like in practice

Penetration comes in more forms than just a penis in a vagina. There is anal and oral penetration, penetration with the fingers, and penetration with a dildo or vibrator; sometimes what goes in is only very small. Whatever the form, the same thing decides whether it goes well: arousal and pace. Take a woman who is afraid that penetration always hurts, because it did once. Often that was not down to her, but to too little arousal beforehand. Thuisarts.nl explains that the entrance to the vagina does not get wet enough if you are not aroused enough, and that penetration can hurt then. Taking your time and enough arousal often changes that completely. The same holds after a birth or during menopause, when the body reacts a little differently for a while and rest and lube make the difference. The form of penetration then matters less than the build-up toward it.

How penetration works without pain

The order matters most here. Arousal comes first, penetration after, and not the other way around. Thuisarts.nl notes that with enough arousal you often do not need lube, though it is always allowed for extra ease, and advises not to push on with pain but to do something else: stroking, massaging, kissing, licking. The body does not relax on command; it follows the arousal. For anyone whose mucous membrane is more vulnerable, as with anal sex or after menopause, lube and quiet build-up weigh extra heavily.

Why penetration can be good, and where it stops

The appeal of penetration sits for many people in the feeling of coming together: the closeness, the pressure, the idea of really letting someone in. Some women enjoy deep pressure or the G-spot, others mainly the intimacy around it. For a couple, penetration can be a moment of really coming together, as long as it does not become the required climax the rest has to work toward. What penetration does not do on its own for most women is give an orgasm. Elizabeth Armstrong and colleagues showed in American Sociological Review that women climax far more often in heterosexual sex with clitoral stimulation and by taking longer than with penetration alone. Penetration is a part of the whole, then, not an endpoint. Whoever lets that go often notices that more becomes possible, not less.

What penetration is not

“Real sex is penetration, the rest is foreplay.” No. Penetration is one of the sexual acts; stroking, oral, and by hand are just as much sex, and for many women even more satisfying.

“Deeper or harder is better.” Not necessarily. What feels good depends on arousal, pace, and what you enjoy, not on force.

“If it hurts, you should push on for a bit.” The opposite. Thuisarts.nl advises stopping with pain and doing something else, and going to the GP with persistent pain.

“It’s about size and depth.” For most women the sensation sits mainly in the first part of the vagina and in the build-up around it, not in how deep or how big. Technique under pressure does less than attention and pace.

What I see

In twenty-five years I have learned how much pressure sits on that one word. Women who think there is something wrong with them because penetration is not good on its own or not enough on its own. With me penetration is never the goal that has to be reached. I take the time, I watch your body, and if it is not good for a moment, we do something else without it becoming a failure. It is exactly when the bar is gone that the body relaxes, and then a lot more often happens on its own.

What you can do yourself

• Let arousal come before penetration. Make sure your body really wants it before anything goes in; that saves pain and makes it better.
• Keep lube on hand. Even if you are wet enough, water-based lubricant makes it smoother, and with anal penetration it is not a luxury but a must.
• Stop with pain and say it. Pushing on through pain only teaches your body to tense; doing something else is not failing.
• Go to the GP with persistent pain. If penetration keeps hurting, something like dyspareunia or vaginismus can be at play, and there is help for that.

More reading on penetration

Within this glossary, sexual acts explains the broader frame, and anal sex and oral sex go deeper into two forms. Beyond this site, Thuisarts.nl gives the practical steps for pain during sex.

Where this fits on this site

If you want to discover penetration, or rediscover it, in a way where nothing is required and pace is no factor, intimate togetherness covers how a meeting is built up. Talking can always come first, and that commits you to nothing.

Sources

• Ik heb pijn bij vrijen (vrouw). Thuisarts.nl. Provides that the entrance to the vagina does not get wet enough with too little arousal, that penetration then hurts, and that with pain you stop and do something else instead of pushing on.
• Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships. Elizabeth A. Armstrong, Paula England & Alison C. K. Fogarty, American Sociological Review, 77(3), 435-462, 2012. Provides that women climax more often in heterosexual sex with clitoral stimulation and by taking longer than with penetration alone.
• Sexual penetration. Wikipedia. Provides the description of penetration as inserting a body part or object into the vagina, anus, or mouth, and the list of the forms: vaginal, anal, oral, with the fingers, and with an object.

Related terms

Penetration is one of the sexual acts. The terms below go into the forms and the conditions.

• Sexual acts. The overarching term for everything people do sexually with each other, of which penetration is one.
• Anal sex. Penetration of the anus, where lube and quiet build-up are extra important.
• Oral sex. Sex with the mouth, a form of sex that need not be penetration.
• Lubricant. What makes penetration smoother and more comfortable.
• Dyspareunia. Persistent pain during sex, for which you can turn to the GP.