No-go

What is a no-go?

A no-go is an act or situation someone flatly says no to, in plain language instead of scene jargon. A no-go has no middle setting: it applies or it does not. In a conversation about BDSM, no-go means the same as a hard limit.

Where the word no-go comes from

From plain Dutch, and not from the BDSM scene.

The Woordenlijst Nederlandse Taal of the Nederlandse Taalunie lists no-go plainly as a Dutch noun, pronounced no’ɡo, with no-gogebied (no-go area) as a separate entry beside it. So not jargon. Borrowed from English, though: the word list by Bakker and colleagues on the Etymologiebank translates it as “red light, stop sign, a no” and as “taboo, not permitted”.

In English the road is longer. Etymologist Douglas Harper dates the adjective no-go in the sense “where it is forbidden to go” to 1971, with an earlier nominal expression from 1870 for a situation that cannot be carried out. That oldest layer is the one you use in a conversation about limits: not a forbidden zone, but something that does not go ahead.

Why people say “no-go” and not “hard limit”

Because you can say it without showing how much you know about the scene.

Hard limit is a phrase you looked up somewhere. No-go is not. It is the same word you use at work about a deadline, so it sounds businesslike instead of heavy, and that is exactly the threshold the conversation would otherwise get stuck on. It does something different for each person involved:

• Anyone stating something for the first time does not have to fill in a list or learn jargon; one sentence with the word no-go in it does the same work.
• Whoever is in charge hears from the form that there is no negotiating. A no-go does not sound like hesitation, and that is precisely the misunderstanding that goes wrong with wishy-washy words.
• Couples can lay each other’s no-gos side by side without a form getting involved.

The word is shorter than what it has to cover. “No pain” is not a no-go but a whole category, and what you only say out loud is nowhere to be found if you remember it differently two weeks later. Anyone who wants it sharp still puts their no-gos per act on a dom list or a kinklist.

Where this fits on this site

My own no-gos are simply online, on my BDSM profile. Six lines, no explanation. If you want to get yours off your chest before you arrange anything, that is the first part of the conversation. What does and does not happen during a BDSM date after that, you can read there.

Sources

• no-go. Woordenlijst Nederlandse Taal (het Groene Boekje), Nederlandse Taalunie. Provides that no-go is a recognized Dutch noun with the pronunciation no’ɡo, and that no-gogebied stands beside it as a separate entry.
• no go. Cambridge Academic Content Dictionary, Cambridge University Press. Provides the English meaning of the expression no go: “not allowed or not acceptable”, with the everyday example about a dress code, which shows that in English too it is plain language.
• no-go. F. Bakker, E. van Ruijsendaal, P. Uljé & D. van Zijderveld, Vindpunt.nl. Woordenlijst Overbodig Engels met Nederlandse tegenhangers, consulted via the Etymologiebank of the Instituut voor de Nederlandse Taal. Provides that the word is borrowed from English and stands in general usage for “red light, stop sign, a no; taboo, not permitted”. A word list with the named compilers, used here only for the borrowing and the meaning.
• no-go. Douglas Harper, Online Etymology Dictionary. Provides the dating of the English word: 1971 for the adjective in the sense “where it is forbidden to go”, and 1870 for the older nominal expression for a situation that cannot be carried out. A reference work with one named author, used here only for the dating and not for a factual claim about practice.

Related terms

• Hard limit. The scene name for exactly this, with the four kinds of limits the jargon distinguishes and the custom on a violation.
• Boundary. The overarching concept, and everyone who sets one.
• Limit. What a no-go is called once it lands per act on a list.
• Dom list. The form where you still record a spoken no-go.
• Consent. The permission whose outer edge a no-go marks.
• Squick. The feeling a no-go turns into an agreement.