Glossary
Dom list
The half of the pre-talk that almost always gets skipped: what the giving side wants.
What is a dom list?
A dom list (Dutch: domlijst; English has no dedicated word, so it falls under limits and the yes/no/maybe checklist) is the filled-in list on which the person taking the lead marks what they would like to do, where there are conditions, and what is absolutely off the table. A dom list is the counterpart of the sub list, which asks the same questions from the receiving side.
| Dutch term | domlijst. English has no single word; the encyclopedia on limits notes briefly that both dominants and submissives can set limits |
| Counterpart | the sub list, filled in by the one who receives |
| What is on it | what you want to do, where you set conditions, and what you do not do yourself |
| What it serves | the conversation beforehand; the overlap between both lists is the game plan |
| Main misconception | that limits come only from the receiving side |
How a dom list works
Both parties fill in the same list of activities separately, each from their own side, with yes, maybe, or no per line. Then you lay them side by side. Only what is a yes on both sides goes ahead; anything that is a maybe somewhere gets discussed first. What the dom list adds is the reverse question: what may be done to you, and what do I want to do and where does it stop for me.
Why a dom list is worth it
The gain is in the moment you fill it in, not in the paper. The person taking the lead often only notices while filling it in that there are nos of their own too, and saying those out loud is easier beforehand than halfway through a scene.
There is a reason for that you can measure. Tarleton, Mackenzie, and Sagarin asked 202 BDSM practitioners how acceptable it is to add or drop something during a scene. Dropping was fine with nearly everyone. Adding was found clearly more acceptable for the receiving side than for the giving side. So the person in the lead gets less room to suggest something along the way, and that makes the list beforehand the only place where those wishes fit well.
One catch: a filled-in list is a snapshot and not consent for later. In the same study the participants found thorough negotiation more important the riskier an activity is.
For a bdsm date I fill in such a list myself too, so you can see beforehand what I like to do and where it stops for me.
Sources
- Consent Norms in the BDSM Community: Strong But Not Inflexible. Tarleton, Mackenzie & Sagarin, Archives of Sexual Behavior 54, 549–559, 2025. 202 participants; adding something during a scene was found more acceptable for the receiving role than for the giving role, and thorough negotiation was found more important the riskier the activity is.
- Limits (BDSM). Wikipedia. Provides the point that both dominants and submissives can set limits, and the distinction between hard and soft limits.
Related terms
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Service sub. The preference that first becomes concrete on such a list.
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Consent. The conversation the dom list is the tool for.
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Dominant. The role that fills in the list, and what else it asks.
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Dom. The word the compound dom list is made from.
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Check-in. The gauging during the scene, which the list beforehand is the counterpart of.
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Contract. The more extensive form, for those who want to set arrangements down for longer.
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Boundary. The concept a dom list maps out per act.
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Kinklist. The list itself, of which the dom list is the filled-in half.
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Sub list. The same questions from the receiving side, on a form that begins with a medical block.
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Yes/no/maybe list. The same list under the name that only names the answer columns, with the question of what a maybe is worth.
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Checklist. The broad name for the sheet, and where that word comes from.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about the dom list.
Why would a dominant fill in a list at all?
Because the dominant side gets the least room along the way to suggest anything more. Tarleton, Mackenzie, and Sagarin found among 202 BDSM practitioners that adding something during a scene was found more acceptable for the receiving role than for the giving one. Beforehand is therefore where the dominant’s wishes belong.
Who can you turn to with questions about a dom list?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He goes through such a list before every date and can explain what belongs on it. You can ask him a question with no obligation through the contact form or first chat for free; you do not have to be a client.
Learn more
Still have questions about the dom list?
I am Victor. Want to know what such a list looks like in practice, or how you lay it next to someone else's? Send me a message. You do not have to be a client and there is no price tag on a question.