Humiliation

Humiliation. The word alone makes some people flinch. Inside BDSM, though, it means something completely different from what it means outside. It is an agreed form of power exchange, where being put down, teased, or made to obey suddenly turns you on instead of hurting you. Funny thing is, you would never accept those same words on the street or at work. But with someone you trust, in a scene the two of you built together, it flips completely. It becomes charged. Exciting, even.

One thing matters most: this only works when both people want it. Not sort of want it, really want it. And the limits have to be crystal clear, talked through beforehand, with a safeword that always holds. Without that agreement it is just cruel. With it, it becomes a game where you let each other come closer than most people ever dare.

By Victor, gigolo in Amsterdam.

At its core it is about taking on roles. One person plays the strict side, teasing, dominant, maybe sharp with words. The other enjoys making herself small, giving herself over, being talked down to inside that safe bubble. And that is the key word: safe. It is never about actually breaking down who someone is. It is about the thrill of pretending, while you both know full well there is warmth underneath. The moment the scene ends, the role ends. What is left is two people who know each other a little better than before.

Why does this turn people on so much? For a lot of my clients, the answer is in letting go. Think of the manager who makes decisions all day, the perfectionist who never drops a stitch. For them, not having to be anything for a while is an enormous relief. For someone else the charge is in the taboo: doing something that officially “isn’t done,” but here, in this bed, with these agreements, is allowed. And then there is that strange contrast that keeps coming back with humiliation. However harsh the words sound, the care underneath feels soft. Almost tender.

I have seen it often enough to know the payoff is bigger than the scene itself. Someone finally says out loud what has turned her on for years, even though it feels awkward at first. And shame, that stubborn brake, loses its grip there. A desire that was hidden behind years of “that isn’t proper” is suddenly just allowed to exist. Without judgment. A lot of people feel closer to their partner afterward, or closer to me, because they showed themselves at their most vulnerable and were still completely caught. That is not a side note. That is exactly why people keep looking for this.

As both a psychotherapist and a gigolo, I see both sides of this coin. The physical arousal is there, sure. But the psychological side, the feeling of being truly seen in something you never dared say out loud before, weighs just as heavily. So humiliation is not a trick. It is connection by a detour.

Talk about it first. Calmly, without rushing, and ideally not in the heat of the moment. What do you find exciting to hear, what not, which word touches an old wound instead of the nerve you want touched. RACK, meaning taking on risk consciously and with mutual consent, is not a dry checklist here but the ground everything rests on. A safeword. A signal when you are unsure. And afterward, aftercare: holding each other for a moment, saying something, coming back to each other as ordinary people. Without those three, the game turns into something else, and neither of us wants that.

Here on the site you can read more about why humiliation appeals to some people so strongly and how to bring it up with a partner, or with me. For anyone who wants to explore this together with a partner, the couples date is often a gentle way in, built up slowly, with room to stop whenever you need to.

Still on the fence, or just want to talk it through without committing to anything? Send me a message on WhatsApp. No pressure, no obligations, I will text you back calmly and we will figure out together what suits you. If you would rather set a time directly, you can book me as your gigolo.