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Glossary
Monogamish
Almost monogamous, with a small door set ajar in advance and together.
What is monogamish?
Monogamish is a relationship that is mostly monogamous, with an agreed-in-advance opening for the occasional sex outside it. The term was coined in 2011 by sex columnist Dan Savage. It is the lightest form of ethical non-monogamy: almost monogamous, with a small, honest exception.
| Word form | a blend of monogamous and -ish |
| Coined by | sex columnist Dan Savage, in 2011 |
| Category | the lightest form of ethical non-monogamy |
| Not to be confused with | cheating, because the opening is agreed in advance and with consent |
| Difference from polyamory | monogamish allows sex, not a second love relationship |
| Core | monogamous as the base, with an honest, small exception |
Where the term comes from
Monogamish was coined to give a middle way a name. Dan Savage described it in The Advocate as mostly monogamous, with a little room for the reality of desire for others and for some adventure and possibility. That puts it on the monogamous side of a broader field. The American Psychological Association calls consensual non-monogamy an umbrella term you should not confuse with infidelity, with open relationships, swinging and polyamory as the better-known forms. Monogamish is the thriftiest of those: one relationship, with a door set ajar.
Why people choose monogamish
The draw is keeping the steady bond and still leaving room for desire. You keep the security of a primary relationship, but take away the pressure that one person has to be everything, always. For a couple the honest agreement can connect them: what has been discussed does not have to be secret. That such arrangements are not rare shows in the figures from the American Psychological Association, which states that roughly one in five people has experienced some form of non-monogamy. What monogamish is not, is a patch on a relationship already tearing; and without ongoing honest talk it quickly gets stuck on jealousy.
What I see myself
I’m Victor, a gigolo. The difference between monogamish and cheating is one thing: the agreement up front. Couples who have said it out loud together and deliberately ask me in go into it very differently than someone trying to straighten out what was never discussed at home. The calm is not in the opening itself, but in the conversation that came before it.
Where this fits on this site
If this plays out as an agreement between you and your partner, and you want to bring someone in together, the page on dates with couples explains how that works. The term is explained here; whether it fits you, you find out together.
Sources
- Consensual Non-Monogamy Fact Sheet. American Psychological Association, Division 44. Provides that consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term not to be confused with infidelity, with polyamory, open relationships and swinging as forms, and that roughly one in five people has done it at some point.
- Monogamish. The Advocate, 7 July 2011. Provides that Dan Savage coined the term and described it as mostly monogamous, with a little room for the reality of desire for others.
Related terms
Monogamish is the lightest form of ethical non-monogamy.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The pillar: the wider field of agreed relationships with more than one partner, of which monogamish is the thriftiest form.
- Monogamy. The base that monogamish departs from just slightly.
- Polyamory. The form that goes further, with several love relationships instead of only sex.
- Swinging. Another form within the same field, aimed at sex with others.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about monogamish.
What is monogamish?
Monogamish is a mostly monogamous relationship with an agreed-in-advance opening for the occasional sex outside it. The term was coined in 2011 by sex columnist Dan Savage. It is the lightest form of ethical non-monogamy: almost monogamous, with a small, honest exception.
What is the difference between monogamish and cheating?
The difference is the agreement up front. With monogamish both partners have consented together to a small opening and its limits, while cheating happens in secret and without consent. So the same act is one or the other, depending on whether it was discussed and allowed.
Who can you turn to with questions about monogamish?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He sees that the calm in arrangements like this sits in the conversation up front, and he’ll think it through with you or with the two of you together, no strings attached. You can ask him a question through the contact form or start by chatting for free.
Blog
Articles on relationship forms
This page gives the term. These articles are about how agreements over faithfulness and room work out in practice.
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Matching service
Inviting someone in together
If you have a monogamish agreement and want to deliberately bring in a third, I can join. The service page explains how a date with a couple works.
Gigolo for couples
A gigolo for couples: break the routine together, grow closer, and safely explore a fantasy on your own terms.
Learn more
Still have questions about monogamish?
I'm Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. The difference is in the conversation up front, and I'm glad to think it through with you and your partner. No obligation, I'll message you back whenever suits you.
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