Glossary
Infidelity
It isn't the act that makes something infidelity, but the lack of your partner's consent.
What is infidelity?
Infidelity (in plain language, cheating) is sexual or emotional contact outside your relationship that your partner knows nothing about and has not consented to. It isn’t the act that makes something infidelity, but the lack of that consent. That is where it differs from ethical non-monogamy, where partners agree together that contact with others is allowed.
| English term | infidelity, in everyday speech cheating |
| Also known as | cheating, adultery, a fling |
| Category | a break of the agreement in a relationship, which touches on attachment style |
| The core | contact outside the relationship without knowledge and consent |
| Two forms | sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity |
| Not to be confused with | ethical non-monogamy and DADT, where the partner does consent |
Where the line of infidelity lies
What makes something infidelity is the broken agreement, not the specific thing that happens. David Rodrigues sums up, in a review article in Archives of Sexual Behavior, that people in a non-monogamous relationship do not experience contact with others as infidelity as long as both keep to their agreement, and that lying or holding something back is, for them, the real mark of infidelity. Attachment plays a part too: DeWall and colleagues found across eight studies that a strongly avoidant attachment style went together with more attention to attractive alternatives and with more actual infidelity, explained by less commitment.
Why it happens, and what it costs
The trigger rarely sits in the sex alone. More often it’s attention that has fallen away at home, a tension that goes unspoken, or an attachment pattern that seeks distance the moment things come close. What infidelity does sits mostly in the secret. It’s the lie that damages the bond of trust, more than the act itself, and that is exactly why an honest conversation or an open arrangement gives a very different outcome than sneaking around. Infidelity also doesn’t resolve what sits underneath. If the bond feels off, it stays off, even after a fling. If you want to tell infidelity apart from a longer-running affair or a purely emotional bond, look at affair and emotional affair.
Where this fits on my site
I’m not a relationship therapist and I don’t encourage anyone to cheat. Women who write to me from a stuck relationship, I mostly want to help first get clear on what they’re looking for. What an appointment with me is and isn’t is under my services.
Sources
- A Narrative Review of the Dichotomy Between the Social Views of Non-Monogamy and the Experiences of Consensual Non-Monogamous People. David L. Rodrigues, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2024. Supplies that people in a non-monogamous relationship do not see extradyadic contact as infidelity as long as both keep to their agreement, and that lying or holding back is, for them, the core mark of infidelity.
- So far away from one’s partner, yet so close to romantic alternatives. C. Nathan DeWall, Nathaniel M. Lambert, Erica B. Slotter et al., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(6), 1302–1316, 2011. Supplies the finding from eight studies that a strongly avoidant attachment style went together with more attention to alternatives and more actual infidelity, explained by less commitment.
Related terms
Infidelity is the umbrella term for contact outside the relationship without consent. The terms below sit around it.
- Attachment style. The pattern of closeness and distance that partly shapes how someone deals with temptation and commitment.
- Affair. The longer-running, secret relationship, a specific form of infidelity.
- Emotional affair. Infidelity without sex, where the emotional bond crosses the line.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The opposite of infidelity: contact with others with your partner’s consent.
- DADT. The don’t ask, don’t tell arrangement, where the partner consents but doesn’t want to know the details.
Frequently asked questions
Questions about this term
What is infidelity?
Infidelity is sexual or emotional contact outside your relationship that your partner knows nothing about and has not consented to. It isn’t the act that makes something infidelity, but the lack of consent. There are two forms: sexual and emotional infidelity.
Is an open relationship also cheating?
No. In an open relationship or other ethical non-monogamy, both partners consent to contact with others, so exactly what makes something infidelity is missing: the secret and the lack of consent. Research shows that people in such relationships see lying and holding back as the real form of infidelity.
Who can you turn to with questions about infidelity?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He doesn’t encourage anyone to cheat, but if your relationship is stuck and you’re looking for clarity about what you’re actually missing, he’ll think it through with you, no strings attached. For guidance with relationship problems, a relationship therapist is the right place. You can ask questions through the contact form or first chat for free.
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Still have questions about infidelity?
I'm Victor. I don't encourage anyone to cheat, but if your relationship is stuck and you're looking for clarity, I'll think it through with you, no strings attached. Ask your question, no obligation, I'll text you back when it suits you.