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Glossary
DADT
The agreement not to want to know, and why it asks for a lot of trust rather than little.
What is DADT?
DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) is an agreement within an open relationship where partners allow something to happen outside the relationship but deliberately do not share the details of it. You do not ask about it and you do not tell about it. The agreement does not settle whether there is room, but how much you want to know about it.
| Dutch term | don’t ask, don’t tell, abbreviated DADT; the term comes from English and is used untranslated in Dutch. |
| Category | a form of agreement within ethical non-monogamy and open relationships |
| Core | room for contact outside the relationship, no exchange of the details |
| More common in | sex-focused open relationships than in polyamory |
| Main risk | without details, informed consent is hard |
How the agreement works
DADT turns the openness down to a low flame instead of switching it off. The encyclopedia describes don’t ask, don’t tell as a relationship in which partners tacitly allow that something sexual or romantic goes on outside the relationship, without discussing that explicitly or sharing the details. No dates, no names, no report afterward.
Why people choose it, and where it chafes
The appeal is calm. Someone who notices that details hurt more than they reassure keeps the room open with DADT without the images that come with it. For some people that works fine. The catch is in the consent. Non-Monogamy Help points out that hidden details make it hard to say an informed yes, and that this brings DADT closer to cheating for some people than to honest non-monogamy. So the agreement asks for a lot of trust, not little.
Sources
- Non-monogamy. Wikipedia. Backs up the description of don’t ask, don’t tell as an agreement in which partners tacitly allow contact outside the relationship without discussing or sharing the details.
Related terms
- Ethical non-monogamy. The broader form of open relationships that DADT is one agreement variant within.
- Polyamory. The form in which DADT is less common, because there the other relationships are usually talked about.
- Swinging. The sex-focused form in which a DADT agreement turns up more often.
- Veto. Another agreement between partners, about who may block a relationship.
- Metamour. Your partner’s partner, exactly the person you deliberately do not get to know under DADT.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about DADT.
What does DADT mean?
DADT stands for don’t ask, don’t tell, an agreement in open relationships where partners allow contact outside the relationship but deliberately do not share the details. You do not ask and you do not tell. The agreement does not decide whether there is room, but how much you want to know about it.
Is DADT the same as cheating?
No, because with DADT both partners agree to the room in advance. Still, it sits closer to it than other open agreements: because the details stay hidden, informed consent is hard. That is why DADT stands or falls with trust.
Who can you turn to with questions about DADT?
Victor, a gigolo with around twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He regularly sees couples who make an open arrangement together and will think along with you, with no obligation, about what you do and do not want to know. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles about relationships and agreements
This page gives the term. These articles show how partners make agreements about room, openness, and what is allowed outside the relationship.
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Learn more
Still have questions about DADT?
I am Victor, a gigolo. If you are thinking about seeing someone like me within an open arrangement, I am glad to talk calmly through what you and your partner want to know and what you do not. Ask your question freely, no obligation.