BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it: how to handle it
You have a BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it. What you can and can't do, how to have the conversation, and why pushing backfires.
Glossary
Driehoek
Three people, three bonds, and why the third is not an add-on to a couple but an equal.
What is a driehoek?
A driehoek (Dutch for a triad, also a throuple) is a relationship between three people who all have a bond with one another. Unlike a V, where one person connects two others who have no relationship of their own, in a driehoek everyone is connected to everyone. It is one of the forms within polyamory.
| English term | triad, also throuple; the same relationship at triad |
| Category | a relationship form within polyamory and ethical non-monogamy |
| Core | three people who all have a bond with one another |
| Not to be confused with | a V: there one person connects two others who have no relationship of their own |
| Often arises | when a couple meets a third together, sometimes called ‘the unicorn’ |
| Key condition | that all three have an equal say in the shape |
What a driehoek looks like
A driehoek comes in several forms, and the best known is the couple that lets in a third together. The encyclopedia describes the triad as an intimate relationship between three people, and sets it next to the V, in which one person is the pivot between two others who have no bond of their own. The difference sits in that third connection: in a real driehoek there is a line running between each pair.
Why people seek it, and where it chafes
The appeal is a shared bond that no one is left out of. For a couple who meet a third together, the promise is that the three of you build something rather than having someone “on the side”. That is exactly where the risk sits too. When a couple goes looking for a third, sometimes called ‘the unicorn’, a lopsided balance easily takes shape. The encyclopedia notes that the practice is often viewed critically because of the power imbalance, where two people together set the rules for the third. A driehoek only works once that third is an equal rather than a supporting act.
Sources
- Polyamory. Wikipedia. Provides the description of the triad as an intimate relationship between three people, and the distinction with the V in which one person is the pivot.
- Unicorn hunting. Wikipedia. Provides the criticism that a couple searching for a third is often viewed negatively because of the power imbalance in the relationship.
Related terms
- Triad. The English word for this relationship form, with the terms around it.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The broader umbrella the driehoek is a relationship form within.
- Polyamory. The form of non-monogamy in which a driehoek turns up most often.
- Metamour. In a V your metamour, in a driehoek instead a partner you have a bond with yourself.
- Trio. The one-off variant, of which a driehoek is the ongoing relationship form.
- Relationship anarchy. Another way to shape multiple bonds, without a fixed hierarchy.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about a driehoek.
What is the difference between a driehoek and a V?
In a driehoek all three people have a bond with one another, in a V they do not. In a V one person is the pivot between two others who have no relationship with each other. That third connection is what makes a driehoek a driehoek.
Who can you ask about a driehoek?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He often sees couples exploring room for a third and will think along with you, without obligation, about how to keep it fair. You can reach him through the contact form or start with a free chat.
Blog
Articles about relationships and being together
This page gives the term. These articles are about how people shape their relationships, make agreements and keep room for more than two.
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Still have questions about a driehoek?
I'm Victor, a gigolo. If the two of you are thinking about letting in a third together, I'm glad to talk it through calmly: what you want, and how you keep it fair for everyone. Ask your question freely, no obligation.