Married to a gigolo #4: lying alone in bed
Jealous of your partner's client? Anna feels it for the first time when Victor meets the experienced Bianca. Part 4 of her story.
Glossary
Non-monogamist
One word for a whole range of arrangements, and a label you can get back from an online test.
What is a non-monogamist?
A non-monogamist is someone for whom sex and romance do not belong with one fixed partner, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The word says nothing about the form. That can mean several love relationships, or casual contacts alongside one relationship, or something in between.
| The practice noun | consensual non-monogamy |
| Where the word also appears | as an archetype in the result of the BDSM test |
| The opposite | monogamy, one partner at a time |
| Forms that fall under it | cuckolding, hotwifing, full swap, polyamory, open relationship |
| What it is not | cheating; the difference is in consent, not in the number of people |
| How often it occurs | 3 percent of 4,160 Norwegians reported ever practicing consensual non-monogamy |
Where the word non-monogamist comes from
From two corners at once, and that explains the confusion.
One corner is plain language: non-monogamist is what you call someone who does not live monogamously, just as you name a vegetarian after their food. The other corner is a questionnaire. In the BDSM test, Non-monogamist is one of the archetypes you get a percentage on, and there it stands among roles about power and pain while this word is about an agreement. That is exactly why the label is read wrong more often than the others: a high score here says nothing about what you do, only about how you view exclusivity.
What the two have in common: the label describes an attitude, not an agreement. You still have to make the agreement.
How many non-monogamists there really are
Fewer than the internet suggests, and more than one in a hundred.
Bente Træen and Frode Thuen put the question to 4,160 Norwegians aged 18 to 89, in International Journal of Sexual Health. Consensual non-monogamy was reported by 3 percent. Non-consensual non-monogamy, that is, cheating, by 26.3 percent of the men and 17.8 percent of the women. So six to nine times as many people do it in secret as do it openly.
On the wish side the figures run higher. Amy Moors, Amanda Gesselman and Justin Garcia asked 3,438 single Americans about polyamory, one specific form of non-monogamy: 16.8 percent want it, 10.7 percent have ever done it.
A percentage on a test and a percentage in a population study measure different things. The test measures what appeals to you while you sit on the couch. What your partner thinks of it is in neither number.
Where this fits on this site
If the question is live for you as a couple, the first step does not have to be a life-changing upheaval. The page a gigolo for couples describes the pre-talk and what the two of you set down there together.
Sources
- Non-consensual and Consensual Non-monogamy in Norway. Bente Træen & Frode Thuen, International Journal of Sexual Health 34(1), 65–80, 2022 (DOI 10.1080/19317611.2021.1947931, open access). Web study among 4,160 Norwegians aged 18 to 89. Provides that 26.3 percent of the men and 17.8 percent of the women reported ever practicing non-consensual non-monogamy, that consensual non-monogamy was reported by 3 percent, and that this last group scored higher on relational intimacy and on positive attitudes toward sex.
- Desire, Familiarity, and Engagement in Polyamory: Results From a National Sample of Single Adults in the United States. Amy C. Moors, Amanda N. Gesselman & Justin R. Garcia, Frontiers in Psychology 12, article 619640, 2021 (open access). Quota sample of 3,438 single Americans based on the US census. Provides that 16.8 percent would want polyamory, that 10.7 percent have ever done it and that 6.5 percent know someone who does.
Related terms
- Monogamy. The agreement a non-monogamist does not fit, with the law and the cultural history included.
- Polyamory. The best-known form under it, with the definition, the law and the difference between a primary and a secondary relationship.
- BDSM test. The questionnaire the label comes out of, and what a percentage does and does not say.
- Cuckolding. The form of non-monogamy written about most on this site.
- Hotwifing. The same agreement without the humiliation element, with the research on motivation.
- Compersion. The feeling non-monogamists like to name, and why it does not come on its own.
- NRE. The word non-monogamists use for the rush of a new connection, and how long it lasts.
- Experimentalist. Another archetype from the same list of results.
- Ethical non-monogamy. The relationship form itself, as against this word for the person.
Frequently asked questions
Three questions about the label and the reality behind it.
What is a non-monogamist?
A non-monogamist is someone for whom sex and romance do not belong with one fixed partner, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The form is not set: several love relationships, casual contacts alongside one relationship, or something in between. The difference from cheating is in consent.
What does a high score on Non-monogamist in the BDSM test mean?
That while filling it in you indicated you don’t necessarily see sexuality as something between two people, nothing more. Non-monogamist is one of the twenty-five archetypes of the BDSM test, and the makers themselves add that how it plays out depends entirely on the person and the situation. So a percentage is a conversation starter and not an agreement with your partner.
Who can you turn to with questions about non-monogamy?
Victor, a gigolo in the Netherlands, Belgium and Germany, more than twenty-five years active in BDSM and trained as a psychotherapist. He regularly works with couples asking this question out loud for the first time, and he says honestly when it does not look like the moment yet. You can ask with no obligation through the contact form or chat for free first.
Blog
Two stories about how this plays out in real life
This page gives the word and the figures. Here is the other side: one couple who does it and discovers how jealousy feels, and one couple who talked it over and deliberately said no.
Married Emma visits a gigolo every month
Emma (51) is happily married but misses sex due to her husband's low libido. Every month she visits a gigolo, and recommends it to any woman.
Related service
Trying it once is also an answer
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A gigolo for couples: break the routine together, grow closer, and safely explore a fantasy on your own terms.
Learn more
Still have questions about non-monogamy?
I'm Victor. I see couples who are in it together and couples where one of them wants it, and you can tell the difference in the very first message. Put your question to me; nothing has to come of it.
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