The captivity fantasy: power and surrender
The psychology behind the captivity fantasy: power, surrender and control, and how to explore it safely and consensually.
Glossary
Free use
The agreement where nobody asks again each time, and the question of what's left of consent when they don't.
What is free use?
Free use is an agreement in which one partner has sexual access to the other at any moment, without asking again each time. Consent is given once and stays in place, within limits set beforehand. Free use runs on outside of any single scene.
| Dutch term | no established translation; the English word is used as-is, also written with a hyphen as free-use |
| Category | an agreement within a D/s dynamic, carried by consent |
| What’s fixed beforehand | which acts it covers, where and when, who else may be present, and how you pause |
| Not to be confused with | CNC, where a scene acts as if there’s no consent |
| What it doesn’t lift | the right to stop at any moment, and the other’s duty to notice |
| Legally | an agreement made beforehand is not valid will in the Netherlands for someone asleep or unconscious (article 244 of the Criminal Code) |
What free use looks like in practice
Free use is about the asking falling away, not the limit falling away.
A common arrangement looks like this. Two people agree that between Friday evening and Sunday morning nobody asks anymore: he doesn’t have to gauge, she doesn’t have to weigh it. What it covers is on a list, and so is what it doesn’t. There’s one word that stops everything, and that word works even when nothing seems wrong. Sunday morning the arrangement is over, and then they talk it through.
What people like about that setup is the negotiating disappearing. What sits underneath is exactly the opposite: there was more negotiating than usual, just at a different moment.
What consent in free use rests on
On a single agreement made beforehand that has to keep visibly holding up afterward.
Dunkley and Brotto describe in Sexual Abuse how roleplay with resistance works: as acting out non-consensual sex within an invisible structure of pre-negotiated consent. Free use uses that same construction, only spread out over days instead of over a single scene. The same authors sum up consent as an ongoing, interactive, and dynamic process, and that is the demand a standing agreement runs up against.
People who live this way don’t do it with one conversation. Cascalheira, Thomson, and Wignall interviewed four people living full-time in a power exchange and found dynamic consent among them: honesty and communication in the context of the moment, rather than one negotiation beforehand that covers the rest.
Why people want free use
Because being asked is also a task, and not having that task for a while feels like rest.
The appeal sits in the run-up falling away. No moment where you have to decide whether you’re in the mood, no weighing, no polite putting-off. For someone who makes decisions all day, that’s the most attractive part of the whole idea.
- For the one who’s available, free use gives a stretch where you don’t have to initiate anything and don’t have to weigh anything. Being wanted without anything being asked of you.
- For the one who has the access, the fear of coming at a bad time disappears, and that turns out to be the problem more often than desire.
- For a couple stuck on timing and pretext, it settles the question of “when then” once instead of every week again.
Free use only works between people who can already read each other. Anyone who uses it to avoid a conversation that still has to happen only moves that conversation to later, and usually to a worse moment.
How people agree on free use
Almost always with a window around it, and rarely open-ended.
- The time window. An evening. Or a weekend, or a whole holiday: the start and end are fixed, and that keeps the arrangement clear for both of you.
- The situational form. Only at home, or only when a particular piece of jewelry is on. The sign then does the work the question used to do.
- The ongoing form. Free use as part of a settled relationship. Ofer Parchev describes that corner in Sexuality & Culture as total power exchange: long-running relationships in which the submitting party hands over many or all parts of life.
The list always holds the same things: which acts are in and which aren’t, contraception and tests, whether others may join, and which word makes it stop.
What free use is not
“With free use, consent is no longer needed.” Untrue, and legally risky. Since the Sexual Offenses Act, the Criminal Code punishes sexual acts with someone you know lacks the will (article 241) and with someone you have serious reason to suspect of it (article 240). An agreement from last week does not override that.
“Anyone who says yes for the weekend has also said yes for during sleep.” No. Article 244 of the Criminal Code states that the will to sexual acts is in any case absent in someone in a state of unconsciousness, reduced consciousness, or physical helplessness. Canada ruled in the same spirit: in R. v. J.A. (2011) the Supreme Court declared consent given solely in advance invalid, because an unconscious partner can no longer agree. Anyone who still wants this had better put it to a lawyer than assume it.
“Free use is the same as CNC.” CNC acts out within a scene that consent is missing while it’s there. Free use isn’t pretending: the access is real, only bounded. The difference sits in the timescale and in what’s being acted out.
What I see of it myself
I’m Victor, a gigolo, twenty-five years active in BDSM and trained as a psychotherapist. Free use almost never reaches me as a request and often as a description: women who tell me it grew this way at home, and who wonder whether that’s allowed.
Almost always it’s the available side who proposes it, and the other who hesitates. That’s exactly the reverse of what people expect.
And it rarely goes wrong on the sex. It goes wrong on the day after, when someone discovers there was no moment left to take something back. That’s why an end time belongs with it, even when the arrangement in principle runs on.
What you can do yourself
- Fix an end before you start: an hour, an evening, a weekend. An arrangement with no end date isn’t an arrangement but an assumption.
- Write down what it doesn’t cover. With free use the list of exceptions matters more than the list of what’s allowed.
- Pick a word that stops everything and agree it can be used without explaining yourself afterward.
- Rule out sleep and drunkenness, or put it to someone who knows the law. On that point the law is clearer than the scene.
- Plan an after-talk for a moment when nothing’s running anymore, and ask there what you didn’t say while it was happening.
More reading about free use
On this site, consent covers why consent stays revocable, 24/7 shows what an ongoing arrangement looks like, and the article on the captivity fantasy is about the desire to be used.
Beyond this site, the overview by Dunkley and Brotto gives the most level-headed description of how such arrangements are set up, and Ofer Parchev shows where the law and the scene diverge on this point.
Where this fits on this site
Free use isn’t on my list of services: it’s an agreement between people who see each other regularly, not something you book with me. What is possible is the conversation about it, and the way I set agreements beforehand is described on the page about the BDSM date.
Sources
- Dutch Criminal Code, articles 240 to 244. Wetten.overheid.nl, version of 1 January 2026. Provides culpable sexual assault where there is serious reason to suspect the will is absent, intentional sexual assault and intentional rape where that is known, and the provision that the will is in any case absent in unconsciousness, reduced consciousness, or physical helplessness.
- The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM. Cara R. Dunkley & Lori A. Brotto, Sexual Abuse 32(6), 657–678, 2020. Provides the description of roleplay with resistance as acting out within an invisible structure of pre-negotiated consent, and the finding that consent is an ongoing, interactive, and dynamic process that can be withdrawn at any moment.
- Between Normalization and Transgression: The Complexity of Consensual Non-consent in BDSM. Ofer Parchev, Sexuality & Culture 30, 678–696, 2026. Provides total power exchange as the long-running form in which the submitting party hands over many or all parts of life, and the ruling in R. v. J.A. (2011) in which the Canadian Supreme Court declared consent given only in advance invalid.
- “A certain evolution”: a phenomenological study of 24/7 BDSM and negotiating consent. Cascalheira, Thomson & Wignall, Psychology & Sexuality 13(3), 628–639, 2021. Provides the concept of dynamic consent from interviews with four people living full-time in a power exchange: honesty and communication in the context of the moment.
Related terms
- Consent. The consent free use leans on entirely, and the reason the agreement stays revocable.
- CNC. The neighboring term where a scene acts as if consent is missing.
- D/s. The dynamic within which a free-use arrangement is usually made.
- 24/7. The continuous variant of that same power exchange, with the care it demands.
- Check-in. The tool with which a standing agreement gets tested along the way.
- Consent violation. What it’s called when the agreement gets stretched without anyone saying so.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about free use.
How do you agree on free use?
Put a start and an end around it first, for example one evening or one weekend. Then write down what it doesn’t cover, agree on a word that stops everything, and plan an after-talk for a moment when nothing’s running anymore.
Is a free-use agreement legally valid?
An agreement made beforehand does not replace the will of the moment. The Criminal Code punishes sexual acts with someone you know, or have serious reason to suspect, lacks the will, and article 244 states that this will is in any case absent in unconsciousness, reduced consciousness, or physical helplessness. Free use between two awake adults who can reach each other is something other than sex with someone who’s asleep.
Why do people want free use?
Because being asked is also a task. With free use the run-up disappears: no moment where you have to decide whether you’re in the mood, and on the other side no fear of coming at a bad time. What it doesn’t solve is a conversation that still has to happen.
Who can you turn to with questions about free use?
With Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. Free use isn’t on his list of services, because it’s an agreement between people who see each other regularly; the conversation about it is possible, also if you only want to know whether what’s grown at your place still holds. Sending a message without obligation goes through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles about consent and being used
This page gives the definition and the legal frame. How the desire to be used feels and how you keep consent alive is covered in these articles.
Consent in BDSM: The Backbone of Safety and Pleasure
Why consent is the backbone of safe BDSM, from limits and safe words to ongoing agreement and aftercare, so you play from trust.
Medical play without the white coat: the exam is the scene
The most-played form of medical play uses no instrument at all. What happens instead, why lying still works, and where the law begins.
Your first time at a play party: what to expect
What happens at a play party, who the DM is, how the house rules work, and why watching is the most normal thing to do all evening.
BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it: how to handle it
You have a BDSM fantasy and your partner isn't into it. What you can and can't do, how to have the conversation, and why pushing backfires.
Want to know more
Still have questions about free use?
I'm Victor. Not sure whether what's been arranged at your place still counts as an agreement, or how to propose something like this without it sounding like a demand? Send me a message. No obligation, and I'll say honestly when something falls outside what I offer.