Starting over after a bad experience: allowing intimacy
Allowing intimacy again after a bad sexual experience goes in small steps. What helps, what backfires, and when professional help is the better route.
Glossary
Flashback
Not a memory you reach for, but a past that forces itself on you as the present.
What is a flashback?
A flashback is a sudden, usually intense reliving of an unpleasant or overwhelming event, as if it is happening again right now. It comes involuntarily, is often set off by a cue that recalls the event, and belongs with trauma and post-traumatic stress.
| English term | Identical. Flashback is an English loanword that stays untranslated in Dutch. |
| What it is | the involuntary reliving of a distressing event as if it is happening now |
| Belongs with | trauma and stress. See fight-or-flight response and complex trauma |
| Set off by | a trigger: a smell, sound or image that recalls the event |
| Not to be confused with | an ordinary memory, which you experience as the past and not as now |
| Where to turn | your doctor, and Thuisarts.nl |
How a flashback works
A flashback is a trauma memory that plays out with a sense of now instead of then. Psychiatrist Chris Brewin, writing in the European Journal of Psychotraumatology (2015), describes how the reliving in post-traumatic stress stands out for its involuntary and uncontrollable character, its strong sensory impressions, and its sense of “nowness”, as if the event is taking place in the present. Usually a trigger sets it off: a smell, a sound, a touch that resembles the old event.
Flashback or ordinary memory?
The difference is in that sense of now. An ordinary memory you experience as something from the past: you call it up and put it away again. A flashback forces itself on you. According to the encyclopedia, it is a sudden, usually powerful reliving of an earlier experience or parts of it. You don’t choose it, and you can’t simply switch it off.
Where to turn
A flashback belongs in the consulting room, not on a glossary page. If you recognize this in yourself, your doctor is the first step. Thuisarts.nl explains that talking with a psychologist or psychotherapist and treatments such as EMDR help you process what happened. I am a gigolo, not a clinician, and nothing on this page replaces that conversation. What I do know is how a flashback can ambush intimacy, and how calm and pace make the difference then.
Sources
- Re-experiencing traumatic events in PTSD: new avenues in research on intrusive memories and flashbacks. Chris R. Brewin, European Journal of Psychotraumatology 6, 27180, 2015. Provides the features of the reliving: involuntary and uncontrollable, strong sensory impressions, and the sense of “nowness”.
- Ik heb PTSS. Thuisarts.nl. Explains in plain Dutch when to see your doctor, and that talking with a psychologist and EMDR help with processing.
- Flashback (psychology). Wikipedia. Provides the definition of a flashback as a sudden, usually powerful reliving of an earlier experience or parts of it.
Related terms
A flashback belongs with the fight-or-flight response, the stress reaction that can become dysregulated after trauma.
- Fight-or-flight response. The pillar: the alarm system that a flashback sets in motion too.
- Complex trauma. The form of trauma in which flashbacks are one of the core symptoms.
- Trigger. The cue that sets a flashback going.
- Co-regulation. How another person’s calm helps your nervous system settle after a flashback has gone off.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about flashbacks.
What is a flashback?
A flashback is the involuntary, usually intense reliving of an unpleasant or overwhelming event as if it is happening again right now. A flashback belongs with trauma and post-traumatic stress and is often set off by a cue that recalls the event. You don’t choose it and you can’t simply switch it off.
What is the difference between a flashback and an ordinary memory?
An ordinary memory you experience as something from the past, while a flashback feels as if it is happening right now. A flashback carries strong sensory impressions and ambushes you involuntarily, instead of you calmly calling it up. That sense of now is exactly what sets a flashback apart from ordinary remembering.
Who can you turn to with questions about flashbacks?
For a flashback itself, your doctor is the first step, because this belongs in the consulting room. If you want to talk about it in the context of intimacy, you can turn to Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He is not a clinician, but he will think along with you, with no obligation, about calm and pace. Ask your question through the contact form or chat for free first.
Blog
Articles on trauma and closeness
This page gives the term. These articles are about how trauma plays into intimacy, and what calm and pace do there.
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Want to know more
Still have questions about flashbacks?
I am Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. For a flashback itself, your doctor is the place to go. If you want to know how intimacy stays calm and safe when trauma is in play, ask your question with no obligation, I will message you back whenever suits you.