Glossary
Fear of intimacy
For anyone who wants closeness and at the same time pulls back from it the moment it comes near.
What is fear of intimacy?
Fear of intimacy (Dutch: intimiteitsangst) is the fear or inhibition that rises the moment closeness gets real, while the longing for it is genuinely there. It is about sharing thoughts and feelings that matter to you with someone you find important. Researchers measure it with the Fear-of-Intimacy Scale.
| Dutch term | intimiteitsangst |
| Also known as | fear of closeness; sometimes conflated with fear of commitment, though that is more about fearing a commitment than closeness itself |
| Linked to | your attachment style, the way you seek out or avoid closeness |
| Not to be confused with | shyness or introversion, which is a preference and not a fear |
| Measurement tool | the Fear-of-Intimacy Scale (Descutner and Thelen, 1991) |
| Where to turn | your doctor or a psychotherapist |
What fear of intimacy looks like in practice
Fear of intimacy shows itself most clearly in the contrast between wanting and withdrawing. You want closeness, you even seek it out, and yet you pull back the moment it starts to really count.
Take a common pattern. Someone enjoys the first weeks of something new, the flirting, the tension, the image the other person still has of her. As soon as it gets more serious and she would have to really show herself, the unease arrives. She turns distant, finds faults in the other person, or breaks it off exactly when things are going well. Not because she does not want the other, but because the vulnerability that comes with closeness feels like too much. The Fear-of-Intimacy Scale by Descutner and Thelen measures precisely this: the fear, inhibition and hesitation around entering and holding onto emotional and physical closeness.
Where fear of intimacy comes from
Fear of intimacy usually roots in attachment. In the four-part attachment model by Bartholomew and Horowitz there is a fearful-avoidant style: people who do want closeness, but keep away from it out of fear of rejection. That tension between longing and fear is the engine under fear of intimacy.
The core is vulnerability. Closeness asks you to let in someone who can hurt you, and that is exactly what feels like danger to anyone who learned that openness is not safe. That can come from early experiences, from an earlier blow in a relationship, or from a lifetime of learning to put yourself last. It is a learned pattern, not a character flaw, and learned patterns can change.
Do you recognize this?
Most people do not come across this page because they are looking for a definition, but because they recognize something in themselves. That recognition is already worth something on its own. Anyone who notices she keeps backing off the moment something gets real often tells herself for years that she just “hasn’t found the right one yet”. The term gives it a name, and a name makes a pattern easy to talk about.
What naming it gives you is a starting point. You see that the withdrawing is a reaction and not a truth about you. It does not shrink the fear right away. A name is not a solution, and fear of intimacy will not think itself away by being recognized. But it is the first step that makes all the others possible.
How fear of intimacy shows itself
Fear of intimacy takes a few recognizable forms. Often they run into one another.
- Pulling away the moment it comes close, using conflict, criticism or silence as a way to create air.
- Choosing people who are not available anyway, so that real closeness never comes into view.
- Keeping sex and feeling apart, so the body joins in but the heart stays locked.
- Ending something exactly when it is going well, because the good has the most to lose.
These patterns are not unwillingness. They are ways to avoid a risk that once really felt dangerous.
What fear of intimacy is not
“Fear of intimacy means you don’t want a relationship.” Usually the opposite is true. The longing is very much there, and that is exactly what makes it so painful.
“It’s just shyness.” Shyness is about discomfort around people in general. Fear of intimacy is about the fear of showing yourself to someone you find important, and those two can stand apart from each other.
“Someone who keeps her distance is cold.” The distance is often armor around something soft. Here the outside and the inside rarely tell the same story.
What I see of it
I’m Victor, a gigolo, and a psychotherapist by background. I see fear of intimacy more often than any other pattern, and almost always in women who would not call it that themselves.
What strikes me every time is the moment where it goes wrong: not at the undressing, but at the being seen. Women who dare anything, until it gets intimate and something in their eyes closes. Sometimes I notice it in a joke at exactly the wrong moment, in taking over the lead, in the subject that suddenly jumps. I force nothing there. I name it calmly, and I leave the door open without walking through it. What I do is not therapy, that has to be clear too. But it is a place where it is not a problem if you clam up, and where no one holds it against you.
What you can do yourself
- Notice when you withdraw, and say it out loud to yourself: this is the pattern, not the truth about this person.
- Say one true sentence more than feels comfortable, instead of laying your whole inner life open at once.
- Tell the fear apart from the judgment: that something feels exciting does not mean it is wrong.
- Talk about it with your doctor if it structurally gets in the way of your relationships. There is good help for it, and you do not have to keep carrying it alone.
Where to read more and where to find help
On this site a few pieces are about the closeness that this is all about. In why I don’t do quickies I write about the time real closeness needs. If you want to understand where your own pattern comes from, read attachment style and anxious attachment.
If fear of intimacy feels like something that touches your life, your doctor is the first address; on Thuisarts.nl you’ll find reliable information about mental health complaints and how to find help. For anyone who wants the background, the research by Descutner and Thelen into the Fear-of-Intimacy Scale is the source the concept comes from.
What this comes down to for me
Fear of intimacy belongs with a doctor or psychotherapist, not with a gigolo, and I am not going to pretend a date solves that. But if you notice that you clam up the moment it gets real, an evening without the weight of a real relationship can be a place to practice closeness at your own pace. On intimate togetherness you can read what such an evening looks like: calm, with nothing that has to happen, and with all the room to stop.
Sources
- Development and validation of a Fear-of-Intimacy Scale. Descutner & Thelen, Psychological Assessment 3(2), 218-225, 1991. The study that describes fear of intimacy as fear, inhibition and hesitation around emotional and physical closeness, and that developed the Fear-of-Intimacy Scale.
- Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Bartholomew & Horowitz, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 61(2), 226-244, 1991. Describes the fearful-avoidant attachment style: people who want closeness and at the same time keep away from it out of fear of rejection.
- Fear of Intimacy Scale: Validation and Extension with Adolescents. Sherman & Thelen, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1996. Confirms the Fear-of-Intimacy Scale in a second group and extends the measurement tool.
Related terms
- Attachment style. The pattern that fear of intimacy often comes from, and the place to start if you want to understand why you pull back.
- Anxious attachment. The attachment style in which longing for closeness and fear of it pull together.
- Erotic distance. The space between two people that desire needs, and which grows too large with fear of intimacy.
- Touch deprivation. What prolonged lack of closeness does to a person, something fear of intimacy can quietly lead to.
- Loneliness. The price that withdrawing often quietly carries with it.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about fear of intimacy.
What is fear of intimacy?
Fear of intimacy is the fear that rises the moment closeness gets real, while the longing for it is there. It is about sharing thoughts and feelings that matter to you with someone you find important. In Dutch it’s called intimiteitsangst, and researchers measure it with the Fear-of-Intimacy Scale.
Where does fear of intimacy come from?
Fear of intimacy usually roots in attachment. Anyone who learned that openness is not safe experiences the vulnerability of closeness as danger, even when the longing for it is strong. In Bartholomew and Horowitz’s attachment model this is called a fearful-avoidant style. It is a learned pattern, and learned patterns can change.
What can you do about fear of intimacy?
Start by recognizing the pattern: notice when you withdraw and name that it is a reaction, not a truth about the other person. Then take small steps by sharing just a little more than feels comfortable. If fear of intimacy structurally gets in the way of your relationships, talk about it with your doctor; there is good help for it.
Who can you turn to with questions about fear of intimacy?
For help with fear of intimacy, your doctor or a psychotherapist is the right address. If you’d like to talk about it with no obligation, with someone who knows the pattern up close, you can do that with Victor, a gigolo with over twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He does not sell therapy, but he’s happy to think along through the contact form or chat for free.
Want to know more
Still have questions about fear of intimacy?
I'm Victor, a gigolo and a psychotherapist by background. For real help your doctor is the address, but I'm happy to talk about clamming up the moment it gets intimate. Send me a message. No obligation, I'll text you back whenever it suits you.