Feedback in BDSM: Talking Matters as Much as Playing
Feedback in BDSM builds trust and safety. Here is how open communication changes everything, also when you book a gigolo.
Glossary
Bottoming
Not who you are, but what you do: the verb form of the receiving role.
What is bottoming?
Bottoming is the verb of bottom: you undergo what happens, you take in the sensation, and the pace is the other person’s to set. So it describes an activity, not an identity. Whoever bottoms tonight can take the other side next week.
| Word form | The verb of bottom. Bottoming is the doing; the person doing it is the bottom. |
| Part of | bottom, the role. Bottoming is what that role does. |
| Says nothing about | submission. The power can sit with the other person, but it doesn’t have to. |
| Key skill | keeping the other person posted on how you’re doing, even when it’s going well. |
What you do when you bottom
Bottoming looks passive, and it isn’t. During play you keep track of what you feel, and you pass it along. You also guard the limit you drew beforehand. On a BDSM date, that reporting is exactly what I ask of you, even when it’s going well.
How much say that comes with varies from one arrangement to the next. In the extreme it flips around, and that has a name. The encyclopedia describes a service top as someone who applies sensation or control on the explicit direction of the bottom. The opposite is topping from the bottom: agreeing to surrender and then trying to steer the scene anyway, against the ratio you agreed on. The difference isn’t in how much steering there is, but in whether it was agreed on.
What bottoming does to your body
Bottoming does something measurable to your body. Sagarin and colleagues took saliva samples from fifty-eight participants around a session and saw the stress hormone cortisol rise in the ones who were restrained, received stimulation, and followed orders, while it stayed level on the giving side. In women in the receiving role, testosterone rose too.
That is exactly why bottoming is more tiring than it looks, and why an hour of receiving calls for rest afterward. See also aftercare.
Sources
- Hormonal Changes and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity. Sagarin, Cutler, Cutler, Lawler-Sagarin & Matuszewich, Archives of Sexual Behavior 38(2), 186–200, 2009. Provides the cortisol rise in the receiving participants and the testosterone rise in women in that role.
- Top, bottom, switch. Wikipedia. Provides the description of the service top and of topping from the bottom.
Related terms
- Bottom. The role that bottoming is the verb of, with the distinction between bottom and sub.
- Bunny. Bottoming in rope.
- Aftercare. What’s needed after a session for the one who did the receiving.
- Switch. Someone who both bottoms and tops, with the four axes it shifts along.
- Top. The role on the other side, and why it says nothing about power.
- Topping from the bottom. Steering that wasn’t agreed on, and where the difference from a service top lies.
- Topping. The same scene from the doing side, with the oldest citation of the verb, from 1981.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about bottoming.
What is bottoming?
Bottoming means filling the receiving role: you undergo what happens and let the other person set the tempo. It’s something you do, not who you are.
Is bottoming passive?
No. Whoever bottoms tracks what they feel and passes it along. They guard the limit set beforehand too. With a service top the bottom even gives the directions.
Who can you turn to with questions about bottoming?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. How much you steer while you receive is something you settle beforehand. You can ask him a question with no strings attached through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles about giving feedback during play
Bottoming lives or dies by passing along how it's going. These two articles are about feedback and about the word that stops everything.
Safeword: how the traffic-light system works in practice
A safeword is your stop button in BDSM. Here is how the traffic-light system lets you play safely and dare to go further.
Want to know more
Still have questions about bottoming?
I'm Victor. How much you get to steer while you receive is a question that comes up more often than you'd think. Go ahead and ask. No obligation, I'll message you back whenever suits you.