For you, after losing your partner
Companionship after loss, without having to move on
Someone who sits beside you, doesn't try to fix anything, and simply stays.
Sound familiar?
You say "I'm fine," and that's only half true
Hi, I’m Victor. Maybe you ended up here by accident. Or maybe not.
It’s been a few years since he died. You work and you take care of things. On the outside you’re doing fine, and mostly that’s true. What you miss isn’t in the big things. It’s in having someone who simply knew your day. Someone to talk to, just about what happened today.
Hardly anyone asks how you’re really doing anymore. Your daughter texts, and you type “I’m fine,” because there’s no short answer. Until a smell or a song on the radio suddenly brings it all close again. Or your wedding anniversary, sitting there in the calendar like any other date.
Maybe this sounds familiar
The empty side of the bed
In the morning you still look at it. Automatically, before you even notice.
Two mugs
Out of habit you take two out of the cupboard. You only see it once they’re on the counter.
"I'm fine"
That’s what you text your daughter. She has enough on her plate, you figure.
A laugh that startles you
You laugh out loud at a joke, and right after, you feel guilty. Is that allowed yet?
His cookies on the shelf
You walk past them at the grocery store. At the checkout it feels like you turned something down.
Another invitation declined
Walking into a birthday party alone is still too much. And afterward you’re annoyed you stayed home again.
Enjoying yourself isn't betrayal
Let me say this first: reading this doesn’t mean you’re forgetting him. You’re not looking for a replacement. You’re looking for someone who is simply there for a while.
That guilt when you laugh or enjoy something is very common. Mostly it shows how much he meant to you. Grief and joy are allowed to sit side by side. One doesn’t make the other smaller.
I trained as a psychotherapist, so grief doesn’t scare me, and I won’t try to talk it away. A date with me isn’t grief counseling and it isn’t therapy. It is someone who stays put when an ordinary moment suddenly turns heavy.
If nothing changes, every laugh stays a small betrayal, and the invitations stop on their own because you always say no anyway. It doesn’t have to be that way. You’re allowed to be touched again, without it taking anything away from him.
An afternoon or evening where nothing is required
Picture this: a walk along the water, or a cup of coffee somewhere nobody knows you. You don’t have to pretend things are going well, or that they’re going badly. We talk about him if you want to. Or not at all, and then we talk about that book you’ve been meaning to read for months.
Silence is welcome too. I don’t need to fill it. And laughing is fine, right out loud, without having to flinch afterward.
Maybe after a few times you notice you’d like to be held again. That’s possible, if you want it and when you want it. Besides being a widow, you’re still a woman.
It can also go the other way around. Your body is ready while your heart is still catching up, and that’s confusing. If you come for intimacy, you’re just as welcome. Getting your sexual confidence back doesn’t have to mean a new relationship. I wrote more about that on sex after loss.
More about companionship as a date, and about companionship without sex if that’s what you’d prefer.
Do you mostly miss someone who makes time for you, more than touch? Then read companionship for older women. And if there is a wedding or a birthday you don’t want to walk into alone, I’ll simply come with you.
Want to get acquainted slowly first?
A message is enough. A walk or a cup of coffee is a fine first step, and you can see from there.
Why me
I’m in my early fifties. So you won’t suddenly feel like an old woman next to some young guy (and I don’t pretend to be one).
There’s no agency in between. You always get me, never an unknown colleague who needs to hear your story all over again.
My background mostly shows as calm. I don’t give advice about letting go or moving on, and you won’t hear me use the word “process.” I simply stay.
How it works
From a first message to a regular moment
A message
A few sentences are enough. You don't have to tell me anything about your loss if you'd rather not.
A walk or coffee
A quiet first meeting, during the day if you prefer. Nothing is required.
Companionship first
Dinner, a museum, an outing you wouldn't do on your own. That's usually how it starts.
Tenderness if you want it
Touch, or simply a cuddle, only comes if you ask for it, and at your pace. Everything can be discussed, nothing is required!!
A regular moment, if you like it
Some women enjoy having something to look forward to. That's welcome, but never required.
Always a step back
Stopping, a break, or going back to just coffee. That's always possible, no explanation needed.
Discreet, with your children too
Your first name is enough
I don’t need to know more than that. You share the rest if you want to.
Nothing saved
I don’t keep our conversations, and I don’t have a client file.
No texts from me
You’ll never hear from me first. You decide whether and when there’s a next time.
Nobody needs to know
Not your children, not your friends. What you do for yourself is yours.
A friend can check in
Feel free to let someone know where you are. She can check in with you during our date.
Nothing that stands out on your statement
Cash is fine. If you pay by bank transfer, it says coaching.
"Yes, but..."
- “Isn’t this too soon?” There’s no right moment. Connection doesn’t have to wait until everything is processed, if that ever happens at all.
- “Am I being unfair to him?” I’m not a replacement, and I don’t pretend to be. There’s room for your grief right next to the enjoyment.
- “What if it feels awkward?” At first it might feel a little distant, and that makes sense: nobody knew you the way he did. Then we say so out loud, and often we laugh about it for a moment. I don’t try to fix anything.
- “It feels too cheerful for what I’m going through.” Lightness doesn’t make your grief any smaller. Sometimes it just makes the day a little easier to carry.
- “Aren’t I too old?” Age plays no part for me. And I’m not thirty anymore myself.
- “Am I only now allowed to discover what I never had?” Yes. Even if your marriage was good but the pleasure got lost somewhere along the way, you’re allowed to find out now what you enjoy. Did you watch Good Luck to You, Leo Grande and recognize more than you expected? If it feels like a first time, also read first time at your pace.
Women who felt seen again
I didn't know what to expect when I reached out to you, but what you gave me was more than I could ever have thought. You were more tender than I could have imagined, more understanding, more caring, more genuine. I felt so seen and so heard and so cared for.
Victor is an attentive, intelligent man with a good sense of humor. His calm presence combined with his humor gives you a safe feeling. He senses your mood flawlessly and, in his own unique way, knows how to create a pleasant atmosphere. He respects his date, her boundaries and wishes.
Victor is the best gift you can give yourself. He sees you as a person. Together with him you head into a fun and wonderful adventure. Because of him I'm whole again. Victor gives you a good feeling, a safe feeling. And he does everything with you within your boundaries. Don't doubt it. Just do it, ladies!!!!!!!
You don't have to move on, just not be alone for a while
Send me a message, and we’ll figure out together what suits you. A walk is a fine place to start. Your words stay between us.
Do you know when you’d want to? Just say.
Frequently asked questions
What women ask me after losing their partner
Does it have to be about my loss?
No. You decide whether we talk about him. Some women talk about their husband all afternoon, others want a few hours of talking about something else entirely. Both are fine.
Can it be just a walk or dinner?
Yes. Companionship on its own is a full date. A walk or dinner, and it stays that way for as long as you want.
What if I suddenly start crying?
Then you cry. It doesn’t scare me, and I won’t try to talk it away. Afterward we pick up where we left off, or we just sit quietly for a while.
What if I feel guilty afterward?
That can happen, especially the first time. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong. You’re welcome to tell me, and you decide whether and when there’s a next time.
Is this a kind of grief counseling?
No. I’m a psychotherapist by background, but a date with me isn’t therapy or grief counseling. If that’s what you’re looking for, a grief therapist is the right place. With me you’ll find companionship, and someone who stays.
Can it become a regular thing?
Yes, if you’d like that. Having something to look forward to can mean a lot. It’s never required, and you can always stop.
Will my children find out?
Not through me. I don’t keep our messages, and I never reach out on my own. You can read all of it back on my privacy page.