Paramour

What is a paramour?

Paramour is originally a word for a lover, and for centuries mainly meant a secret or extramarital lover. In poly and ENM circles it is by now used neutrally: a romantic partner you have a relationship with alongside your primary relationship, without the overtone of secrecy or deceit. It is a somewhat literary word; in everyday English people usually just say lover or partner.

Where the word comes from

Paramour comes from the Old French expression par amour, “out of love” or “with passion”. The Online Etymology Dictionary shows how the meaning shifted: around 1300 it referred to devout love, in the late fourteenth century to a mistress or secret lover, and from the seventeenth century onward mainly that last, negative meaning remained. According to Wiktionary, a paramour is therefore both simply a lover and, in the classic reading, someone you have an affair with outside your marriage. In the medieval courtly tradition the word also referred to the woman a knight fought for, the lady he honored. So the word shifted from a religious ideal to courtly love, and from the secret lover to the neutral poly term of today.

Why poly circles use the word

The appeal of the word in a poly context is precisely that it has shed the old shadow. Consent Culture describes a paramour as a romantic partner you have a relationship with alongside a primary partnership, with the emphasis on the deliberate and consensual character, not on secrecy. For anyone who lives polyamorously, it is a handy neutral word for a lover who is not a life partner. The flip side: outside those circles paramour still calls up the image of cheating for many people, so in everyday English lover or partner is often clearer.

Where this fits on this site

If you come across the word because you live in an open or poly relationship and are looking for a discreet date outside your own circle, that can happen calmly and without judgment. In the conversation beforehand I explain how a first meeting goes and how I handle your arrangements and discretion.

Sources

• Paramour (etymology). Online Etymology Dictionary. Gives the origin from the Old French par amour and the shift to “secret lover”, which from the seventeenth century became the common meaning.
• Paramour. Wiktionary. Gives the meanings of paramour as a lover and as someone you have an affair with outside your marriage.

Related terms

Paramour is a word for a lover within ethical non-monogamy. The terms below place it in that frame.

• Ethical non-monogamy. The umbrella that multiple relationships with consent fall under, and where paramour is often used.
• Polyamory. Multiple love relationships at once, in which a paramour can be one of your lovers.
• Metamour. Your partner’s partner, precisely someone other than your own paramour.
• Hierarchical polyamory. Where the distinction between a primary partner and a paramour is drawn most clearly.
• Monogamy. The opposite starting point: one partner, in which paramour keeps its old, secret meaning.