Consent Culture

What is consent culture?

Consent culture (Dutch: toestemmingscultuur) is an environment where asking, refusing, and changing your mind are normal and safe. It is a culture where consent is the starting point for everything you do with and to another person, from sex to a hug. The term stands opposite rape culture, where crossing a boundary gets excused or waved away.

What consent culture looks like

You recognize it in small things. Someone asks whether he may share a photo of you. Someone checks whether a hug is welcome before he puts his arms around you. A partner asks during sex whether it still feels good, and means it when you say no. MacEwan University stresses that consent culture reaches well beyond sexual situations: asking consent for non-sexual touch and respecting other people’s boundaries belong to it just as much.

How it works

Consent culture grows out of talking openly and changing habits, not out of one rule. The American Center for Changing Our Campus Culture, backed by the Office on Violence Against Women, describes it as something that grows from open conversation, in which people feel free to decide about their own comfort themselves. That same comfort is allowed to change: what feels good today can sit differently tomorrow, and that belongs to it.

The power lies in the norm. When asking is the ordinary thing, no one has to get the feeling that refusing causes a fuss. The blog The Consent Crew quotes the original description from The Pervocracy: a culture where the leading story of sex, and really of all human contact, revolves around mutual consent. In such an environment a no is not a rejection of the other person, but information you act on.

Why it matters

For you, a consent culture means you do not have to be on your guard. You can relax, because you know your boundary counts and that changing your mind is allowed. That is exactly what makes arousal and surrender possible: you truly give yourself over only when you are sure someone is listening. MacEwan describes rape culture as a culture where sexual violence is commonplace and where norms, media, and institutions normalize or trivialize that violence. Consent culture sets the opposite against it: responsibility and respect as the ordinary way of things.

What consent culture is not

“Then sex becomes a boring contract.” The opposite is true. Asking does not have to be clinical, it can be playful and warm. And the certainty that someone is listening makes people freer, not stiffer.

“You ask for consent once, at the start.” No. Consent runs on and may be withdrawn at any moment. That is why checking during sex belongs to it just as much as the question beforehand.

“It is only about sex.” Also no. It starts with the hug, the photo, touching someone’s things. Whoever learns to ask in small things does it in big ones without thinking.

How you practice it yourself

You start a culture small, with yourself. Ask before you touch someone, outside sex too: may I give you a hug, do you like this. Make checking a habit, not an interruption. A short question halfway through does not have to break the mood. Take a no without holding it against anyone, and thank someone who names a boundary instead of sulking. If you notice doubt in yourself, say it out loud; your own hesitation is information too. And keep in mind that a yes that comes from fear or politeness is not a real yes. A fawn response, where someone goes along to keep the peace, looks like agreement but is not. Whoever learns to hear that silent no as well builds the culture this is all about.

What I see of it myself

Consent culture is not something abstract for me, it is how I work as a gigolo. I ask, I check, and when you say no, I mean it. What I go through with you concretely before a date is on the page about consent. A no costs nothing with me. It brings no grumpiness and no silence, only clarity about where we can go instead. Precisely because that is fixed, many women dare to truly relax only then. I notice the difference in the body: the moment someone feels her boundary really counts, tension falls away that would otherwise stay there the whole time. Changing your mind is always allowed, halfway through too, even if you said yes first.

Further reading

• Consent explains the basis this culture rests on.
• Enthusiastic consent describes the yes a consent culture strives for.
• A culture of consent from MacEwan University gives a clear introduction.

Sources

• A culture of consent. MacEwan University. Establishes that consent culture reaches beyond sexual situations and also covers non-sexual touch and respecting boundaries, plus the description of rape culture it stands opposite to.
• Consent culture and personal boundaries. Center for Changing Our Campus Culture (Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice). Establishes that consent culture grows from open conversation in which people feel free to decide about their own comfort, and that comfort can change.
• Consent culture. The Consent Crew. Establishes the original description from The Pervocracy: a culture where the leading story of human contact revolves around mutual consent.

Related terms

• Consent. The starting point a consent culture is built around.
• Enthusiastic consent. The active, genuine yes this culture strives for.
• Informed consent. Consent that only counts once you know what you are saying yes to.
• Boundary violation. What happens where a consent culture is missing.