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Glossary
Enthusiastic consent
Consent as a wanted yes you can build on, not as the silence where a no is missing.
What is enthusiastic consent?
Enthusiastic consent (Dutch: enthousiaste toestemming) is consent that is an active, freely given yes, not the simple absence of a no. It comes down to a clear, wanted yes, in words or in body language that leaves no doubt. Silence, freezing or not resisting does not count as consent here.
| Dutch term | enthousiaste toestemming; closely related to affirmative consent and the idea “yes means yes” |
| Category | a form of consent, the broader agreement about consent |
| Core | an active, wanted yes, not the absence of a no |
| Mnemonic | FRIES: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, specific |
| Not to confuse with | going along because saying no feels hard; that is not enthusiastic consent but a lack of it |
| Applies to | any sexual or intimate contact, every single time |
What enthusiastic consent looks like in practice
You recognize enthusiastic consent by a yes you do not have to decode. The other person wants it, shows it, and you do not have to guess. The University of Sydney puts it this way: where consent is about saying “yes,” enthusiastic consent is about the enthusiasm in that yes.
A normal situation: you are considering a first date with a gigolo and you are not sure whether you want to go further than talking. With enthusiastic consent we say that out loud beforehand. I ask what you do want and what you definitely do not, you say it, and only once there is a real yes does anything happen. If that yes runs dry halfway through, it stops, without you having to explain why.
Where it goes wrong is at the silence. The same source lists the cases where no consent can be read: staying quiet, freezing, looking away, or just letting it happen without any resistance. That is exactly where enthusiastic consent draws a line. No resistance is not the same as a yes.
Where the FRIES model comes from
The mechanics behind enthusiastic consent sit in five conditions. According to Wikipedia, the American education organization Planned Parenthood came up with the FRIES mnemonic in August 2016 to sum up the core of consent. The University of California, Santa Barbara lists the five: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, specific.
Spelled out: freely given, so without pressure, coercion or drink making the choice. Reversible, so you may take your yes back at any moment. Informed, so you know what your yes is about. Enthusiastic, so it is a wanted yes and not a dutiful nod. And specific, because a yes to one thing is not a yes to another. The E is where this term gets its name. Without the other four, little of that enthusiasm holds up.
Why enthusiastic consent is worth it
The appeal is calm. When you know that only what both of you really want will happen, you do not have to stay on guard, and that is exactly when there is room to feel something.
- For you it means your yes is worth something and your no is a given. You do not have to politely go along with something you are not actually behind.
- For me a clear yes is the difference between guessing and knowing. I do not have to interpret what you mean, and that makes me a better companion, not a more cautious one.
- For us together it makes for an evening that feels lighter than expected, because the tension of “is this okay” no longer has to come along.
What enthusiastic consent does not do: it does not take the spontaneity out, even though that is the fear people have about it. And it does not solve discomfort that sits deeper. If the situation itself is putting pressure on you, a neatly spoken yes is still not a free yes.
Misconceptions about enthusiastic consent
“If she does not say no, it is fine.” Wrong, and this is the crux. The University of Sydney states explicitly that silence, freezing or the absence of a no does not amount to consent. A yes has to be there. A missing no is not enough.
“Enthusiastic consent turns sex into a contract.” No. It is about a wanted yes that can exist without words too. Wikipedia describes affirmative consent as agreeing through clear words or through body language and gestures. A look, a move toward you, a hand that takes mine: that can be it just as well.
“One yes is always yes.” Also not true. The R and the S of FRIES say the opposite: consent is reversible and specific. You may stop halfway, and a yes to kissing is not a yes to more.
What I see of it myself
I am Victor, a gigolo, over twenty-five years into BDSM and with a background as a psychotherapist. Consent is not the form I tick off before the fun starts. It is the best part.
What strikes me every time: women who have just found the nerve to say what they want visibly relax within a few minutes. Not because more is allowed then, but because they notice that their no really holds. A yes is only worth something once the no beside it carries the same weight.
And I see the reverse too. A yes that comes too fast, too eager to be nice, often does not ring true. Then I would rather wait and ask again. Better a slow yes you stand behind than a quick one you take back later in your head.
More on enthusiastic consent
On this site, consent explains the broader agreement that enthusiastic consent is a form of, informed consent covers the being-informed that the I in FRIES means, and consent violation describes what happens the moment that line is crossed. How I put consent into practice on a date is on my page about consent.
Beyond this site, the Wikipedia article on sexual consent gives the origin of the FRIES model and the distinction from “no means no,” and the University of Sydney explains in plain terms how you recognize enthusiastic consent.
Sources
- Sexual consent. Wikipedia. Backs up the description of affirmative consent (“yes means yes”) and the finding that Planned Parenthood came up with the FRIES model in August 2016 to sum up the core of consent.
- What enthusiastic consent actually looks like. University of Sydney, 2022. Backs up the description that enthusiastic consent is about the enthusiasm of the yes, and that silence, freezing or the absence of a no does not amount to consent.
- Consent. University of California, Santa Barbara, Health & Wellness. Provides the five elements of the FRIES model in full: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, specific.
Related terms
- Consent. The broader agreement, of which enthusiastic consent is the most wanted form.
- Informed consent. The being-informed that the I in FRIES means: knowing what your yes is about.
- Consent violation. What it becomes the moment a yes is missing or ignored.
- Nazorg. The care afterward, where that same attention to how you are really doing is what counts.
- Affirmative consent and “yes means yes” are close relatives of this term; they do not have their own page on this list yet, which is why they sit here under consent.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about enthusiastic consent.
What is enthusiastic consent?
Enthusiastic consent is an active, freely given yes to sexual or intimate contact, not the absence of a no. It is about a wanted yes, in words or in clear body language. Silence or not resisting does not count as enthusiastic consent.
How do you give enthusiastic consent?
You give enthusiastic consent by making clear what you do and do not want, in words or in body language that leaves no doubt. You may take your yes back at any moment. With enthusiastic consent, a yes to one thing is not a yes to another.
Why does enthusiastic consent matter?
Enthusiastic consent matters because the absence of a no is not a yes, and only a wanted yes puts both of you at ease. It makes your no a given and your yes worth something. That takes away the tension of “is this okay.”
Who can you turn to with questions about enthusiastic consent?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. He starts every date with a real yes and the room to stop, and he’ll explain without obligation how he sets that up with you beforehand. You can reach him through the contact form or chat for free first.
Blog
Articles about boundaries and consent
This page gives the term. These articles show what naming a limit and stopping safely look like in practice, from the first conversation to afterward.
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Still have questions about enthusiastic consent?
I am Victor, a gigolo. Every date starts with a real yes and the room to stop at any moment. Want to know how I set that up with you beforehand? Ask your question with no obligation, no strings, and I will message you back at your ease.