Good pain is pain that is wanted in BDSM play and actually feeds the pleasure or the high, against pain that is a warning to stop. The difference is not in the strength of the stimulus, but in whether you want it, whether you expect it, and whether your body takes no harm from it.

How do you tell good pain from bad pain?

Good pain is warm, dull or sharp but wanted, and goes together with arousal. Bad pain comes unexpectedly or feels stabbing, radiating, tingling or numb: those are signs of looming damage and a reason to stop. When in doubt, the body wins, not the ambition.

Who can you turn to with questions about good pain?

Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of BDSM experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He builds pain up slowly and watches the whole time for the difference between wanting and enduring. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free .

Close-up of an open book with a pencil between the pages, in black and white

Glossary

Good pain

Why the same smack is pleasure one time and a sign to stop the next.

What is good pain?

Good pain (Dutch: goede pijn) is pain that is wanted in BDSM play and actually feeds the pleasure or the high, unlike pain that is a warning to stop. The difference is not in the stimulus itself, but in whether you want it, whether you expect it, and whether your body takes no harm from it.

Dutch term	goede pijn, against bad pain
Category	a distinction within pain play
Good pain	wanted, expected, feeds the arousal or the high
Bad pain	unwanted, sharp or wrong, points to looming damage
Decided by	will, context and control, not by the strength of the stimulus
Warning signs	stabbing or radiating pain, tingling, numbness

What separates good pain from bad pain

Good pain is the pain you chose, in a situation you trust. Researchers Cara Dunkley and colleagues describe in The Journal of Sex Research (2020) that it is not the bare stimulus that decides whether pain lands as pleasure, but the interplay of factors around it: your own will and control, the bond with the other person, sexual arousal, mood and setting. Those same conditions that turn a smack into good pain are missing with bad pain. That comes unexpectedly, or in the wrong place, and the body reports it as a stabbing, radiating or numb signal that says stop.

Why people seek good pain

The appeal is the high that can follow. In a study by Ruth Defrin and colleagues in European Journal of Pain (2015), among people who play masochistically on a routine basis the pleasure they felt was positively linked to the intensity of the pain during play. For one person good pain is a way to quiet the head, for another the run-up to subspace.

It stays play with a floor, by the way. Good pain becomes bad pain the moment you no longer want it, and learning to feel the difference matters more than pushing the pain higher.

Where this fits on my site

As a BDSM gigolo I build pain up slowly during a BDSM date and watch the whole time for the difference between wanting and enduring. If you’re curious where your good pain lies, without having to step into anything right away, I’ll think along with you, no obligation. Ask a question freely.

Sources

Physical Pain as Pleasure: A Theoretical Perspective. Cara R. Dunkley, Craig D. Henshaw, Saira K. Henshaw and Lori A. Brotto, The Journal of Sex Research 57(4), 2020. Supplies that it is not the stimulus itself but factors like will, control, connection, arousal and setting that decide whether pain is experienced as pleasure.
Attitudes and emotions towards pain and sensitivity to painful stimuli among people routinely engaging in masochistic behaviour. R. Defrin, M. Arad, M.P. Ben-Sasson and K. Ginzburg, European Journal of Pain 19(9), 2015. Supplies that among experienced masochists the pleasure was positively linked to the pain intensity during play.

Good pain is a distinction within pain play, the deliberate use of pain as a stimulus.

Pain play. The pillar: the play with pain in which good pain is the wanted part.
Pain threshold. The limit above which pain is no longer welcome, exactly where good pain can tip over.
Subspace. The high that good pain can bring on.
Impact play. Hitting and smacking, where the difference between good and bad pain comes up daily.

Frequently asked questions

What people still ask about good pain.

What is good pain?
Good pain is pain that is wanted in BDSM play and actually feeds the pleasure or the high, against pain that is a warning to stop. The difference is not in the strength of the stimulus, but in whether you want it, whether you expect it, and whether your body takes no harm from it.
How do you tell good pain from bad pain?
Good pain is warm, dull or sharp but wanted, and goes together with arousal. Bad pain comes unexpectedly or feels stabbing, radiating, tingling or numb: those are signs of looming damage and a reason to stop. When in doubt, the body wins, not the ambition.
Who can you turn to with questions about good pain?
Victor, a gigolo with about twenty-five years of BDSM experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He builds pain up slowly and watches the whole time for the difference between wanting and enduring. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free.

Learn more

Still have questions about good pain?

I'm Victor, a BDSM gigolo. I build pain up slowly and keep an eye on the difference between wanting and enduring. If you'd like to find out where your good pain lies, ask your question with no obligation, and I'll text you back when it suits you.

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