Glossary
Four horsemen
The four communication patterns Gottman says predict a breakup.
What are the four horsemen?
The four horsemen (Dutch: de vier ruiters) are four communication patterns that, according to relationship researcher John Gottman, predict a breakup: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. From fifteen minutes of an argument, Gottman could predict with surprising accuracy which couples would divorce. Of the four, contempt is the strongest predictor.
| Horseman | What it is | Antidote |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | attacking the person, not the behavior | a soft start |
| Contempt | disgust and condescension | building appreciation |
| Defensiveness | shifting the blame | taking responsibility |
| Stonewalling | shutting down and checking out | calming yourself and coming back |
Why they matter
They wreck slowly. According to the Gottman Institute they are communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship, with contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce. The therapy practice South Denver Therapy describes that Gottman could predict divorce with 94 percent accuracy after watching a couple argue for fifteen minutes, and that each of the four has an antidote: a soft start, appreciation, responsibility and calming yourself.
What the four horsemen are not
“One grumpy moment and it’s over.” No. It isn’t about an incident but about a pattern. Everyone is critical or defensive now and then. It only gets dangerous when one of the horsemen becomes the fixed way of talking, and especially when contempt sets in.
What I see of it myself
I’m not a relationship therapist, but in my work as a gigolo I regularly see the marks these patterns leave. Women who have had years of contempt or stonewalling at home expect the same from me, and are genuinely surprised when it doesn’t come. A date with me has none of the four horsemen: no criticism of who you are, no condescension, nothing to defend yourself against. For some women that’s the first time in a long while that contact doesn’t chafe. That doesn’t fix things at home, but it reminds them how it can also feel.
Sources
- The four horsemen. Ellie Wilde, The Gottman Institute. Establishes that the four horsemen are communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship, that contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce, and that each horseman has an antidote.
Related terms
- Bid for connection. Gottman’s other concept, about what actually builds a relationship up.
- Attachment style. How your attachment style colors how quickly you fall into these patterns.
- Relationship check-in. The conversation that can get ahead of the horsemen.
What are the four horsemen?
The four horsemen are four communication patterns that, according to relationship researcher John Gottman, predict a breakup: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Of the four, contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce.
What are the antidotes to the four horsemen?
Each horseman has an antidote. Against criticism you use a soft start, against contempt appreciation, against defensiveness taking responsibility, and against stonewalling calming yourself and coming back at the agreed time.
Want to know more
Ready for contact that doesn't chafe?
I'm Victor, a gigolo for women. No criticism, no condescension, nothing to defend yourself against. Curious how that feels? Leave a message and I'll take a look with you.