Glossary
Bid for connection
A small signal to make contact: a question, a remark, a touch.
What is a bid for connection?
A bid for connection, often just called a bid, is a small signal you use to reach for someone’s attention, warmth, or contact. A question, a remark, a touch, a glance. Relationship researcher John Gottman calls it the smallest unit of emotional connection. How the other person answers it predicts, in his research, surprisingly well how the relationship is doing.
| Also called | bid, emotional bid |
| What it is | a small signal of contact |
| Forms | a question, a remark, a touch, a glance |
| Coined by | John Gottman |
| Turns on | whether the other person turns toward it |
How do you respond to a bid for connection?
You can respond to any bid in three ways. The Gottman Institute describes them as turning toward it (giving attention), turning away (ignoring it), and turning against it (shutting it down). In Gottman’s Love Lab, couples who stayed happy together turned toward each other’s bids 86 percent of the time, against 33 percent for the couples who split up. Couples Therapy Inc. notes that a bid is often subtle: a small invitation you miss easily when you are not paying attention.
What a bid for connection is not
“So I have to respond to every little thing.” You don’t have to score perfectly. What matters is the habit of noticing most of the small signals and meeting them warmly, not the fear of ever missing one. One missed bid breaks nothing. Turning away as a pattern does.
What I see of it myself
I am not a relationship therapist, but this idea touches the core of my work as a gigolo. A date is a string of small signals: a glance that lingers a little longer, a hand moving closer, a half-sentence left hanging for you to pick up. Noticing those and going along with them calmly is exactly what attention is about. Often the real connection is not in the grand gestures. It sits in whether the small ones get seen. During intimate togetherness, the small ones are exactly what I watch for.
Sources
- Paying attention to bids. The Gottman Institute. The source for a bid being the smallest unit of emotional connection, the three responses (turning toward, turning away, turning against), and the finding that couples who stayed happy turned toward each other’s bids 86 percent of the time against 33 percent for divorced couples.
Related terms
- Attachment style. How your attachment style colors how easily you reach out and how you answer a bid.
- Secure attachment. With secure attachment, bids get answered more often.
- Four horsemen. Gottman’s other well-known concept, about what actually damages a relationship.
What is a bid for connection?
A bid for connection is a small signal you use to reach for someone’s attention or warmth: a question, a remark, a touch, a glance. Relationship researcher John Gottman calls it the smallest unit of emotional connection. How the other person responds says a lot about the relationship.
Do you have to respond to every bid?
You don’t have to score perfectly. What matters is the habit of noticing most of the small signals and meeting them warmly, not the fear of ever missing one. One missed bid breaks nothing. Turning away as a pattern does, over time.
Learn more
Curious about real attention?
I am Victor, a gigolo for women. Noticing the small signals and meeting them calmly is what my work is about. Curious how that feels on a date? Feel free to ask, with no obligation at all.