Medical play without the white coat: the exam is the scene
The most-played form of medical play uses no instrument at all. What happens instead, why lying still works, and where the law begins.
Glossary
Fantasy versus desire
Why an exciting thought commits you to nothing, and how you keep the two apart.
What is fantasy versus desire?
Fantasy versus desire (Dutch: fantasie versus wens) is the distinction between finding something exciting to fantasize about and actually wanting to live it out. A fantasy is an exciting thought; a desire is something you really want to do. That something excites you in your head does not mean you want it for real.
| Dutch term | fantasie versus wens, also called fantasy vs. reality; the split comes from Justin Lehmiller’s research |
| Category | a term within kink and sexual fantasy |
| What it is | the difference between exciting to think about and really wanting to do |
| Related to | consent: a desire you agree on, a fantasy never has to be |
| In numbers | about 1 in 5 people name their biggest fantasy as something they do not actually want to do |
| Key point | arousal in your head is not a desire and not consent |
How fantasy and desire pull apart
A fantasy and a desire come from different corners of your inner life. The fantasy arouses; the desire asks for a plan. Jenny Bivona and Joseph Critelli showed in the Journal of Sex Research (2009) that fantasies lie on a scale from purely arousing to purely aversive: of the women with an overpowering fantasy, 45 percent called it fully erotic, 9 percent fully aversive, and the rest sat somewhere in between. So someone can get aroused by an image whose real-life version would actually be horrifying. That is exactly why arousal in your head is not yet a desire.
Why the distinction matters
It gives you room to breathe. You are allowed to have a fantasy and enjoy it without obliging yourself to make it real. Sex researcher Justin Lehmiller describes a fantasy as an exciting thought and a desire as something you really want to try, and about one in five people say their biggest fantasy is in fact something they do not want to do. For you that means two things. Shame about a thought is not needed, and nothing in your head binds you to anything in bed. Some fantasies you do want to try, and that is fine too. Knowing the difference simply keeps you from mistaking one for the other.
What I see of it myself
In conversations I often hear a woman startle at her own fantasy, as if the image says something about who she is. Almost always it turns out to be a fantasy and not a desire. The moment we pull those two apart, the shame falls away and the curiosity stays. What excites you to think about and what you would want to agree on during an intimate togetherness with me are two separate lists.
Sources
- The nature of women’s rape fantasies: an analysis of prevalence, frequency, and contents. Jenny Bivona and Joseph Critelli, Journal of Sex Research 46(1), 33-45, 2009. Backs up that fantasies lie on a scale from erotic to aversive, so an image can arouse while the real event would be horrifying.
- The difference between a sexual fantasy and a sexual desire. Justin Lehmiller, Sex and Psychology, 2021. Provides the definitions (a fantasy is an exciting thought, a desire is something you really want to do) and that about 1 in 5 people do not actually want to live out their biggest fantasy.
Related terms
Fantasy versus desire belongs to kink, where desire and imagination come together.
- Kink. The pillar: the field in which fantasies take shape.
- Fantasy archetype. The recurring shapes that fantasies group into.
- Consent. What turns a desire into an agreement, and why a fantasy never has to be one.
- Sexual response cycle. How arousal builds, apart from what you ultimately want to do.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about fantasy and desire.
What is the difference between a fantasy and a desire?
A fantasy is an exciting thought; a desire is something you really want to do. The difference is the step from your head to reality. You can enjoy an image in your fantasy without ever wanting to live it out, and that is completely normal.
Does a fantasy mean you really want to do it?
No. That something excites you in your head does not mean you want it for real. Research shows that fantasies run from purely arousing to purely aversive, and that about 1 in 5 people do not want to live out their biggest fantasy at all. A fantasy is not a desire and not consent.
Who can you turn to with questions about fantasy and desire?
Victor, a gigolo with around twenty-five years of experience and a background as a psychotherapist. He helps you see, without judgment, the difference between what excites you to think about and what you would really want to agree on. You can ask him a question through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles about fantasy
This page gives the term. These articles are about how you speak a fantasy out loud, explore it and live it out safely.
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Want to know more
Still have questions about fantasy and desire?
I'm Victor, a gigolo with a background as a psychotherapist. Saying a fantasy out loud is not yet an agreement, and there's no need to startle at your own head. If you'd like to explore the difference calmly, ask your question with no obligation, I'll text you back whenever it suits you.