Humiliation in BDSM: types women find arousing
Which kinds of humiliation do women find arousing in BDSM? I walk through the types, from verbal to physical to public, always safe and consensual.
Glossary
Degrader
The role where you sound harsh and at the same time have to listen more closely than anywhere else.
What is a degrader?
Degrader is the role of the person who puts the other down during a scene: the leading side of degradation. The word comes from the archetype list of the BDSM test and is used untranslated in Dutch. There is no Dutch word for it. The counter-role is called degradee.
| Dutch term | degrader. It is an English loanword used in Dutch with no separate translation. |
| Counter-role | degradee |
| Belongs to | degradation (Dutch: degradatie) |
| Core skill | choosing the right word, not the harshest |
| Biggest pitfall | improvising outside the agreed word list |
What the role asks
A degrader sounds harsh and works soft, and that is not word play but the core of the role. The encyclopedia holds that humiliation is not inherent to an act or an object, but takes on meaning through the shared attitudes and interpretations of the participants. The whole job description follows from that: you do not choose the word that sounds harshest, but the word that means something to this person. That takes listening, not contempt.
Hébert and Weaver noted, in their interview study of nine dominants, that dominants describe themselves as empathic, caring, attentive, and responsible. As the flip side of the role, what they named most was the extra work and the responsibility.
Where it goes wrong
With this role it almost always goes wrong at the same point: improvising. A word that comes out well in the moment but was not on the list can send an evening somewhere else in one stroke.
The second point is the wind-down. A degrader is responsible for the return, and that takes longer with degradation than with pain play. Someone has to come back out of a self-image and not only out of a posture, which means the aftercare begins with the other person’s name and not with the question of whether it was fun. When I am the degrader on a BDSM date, I stay within the list we made together.
Sources
- Perks, problems, and the people who play: A qualitative exploration of dominant and submissive BDSM roles. Ali Hébert & Angela Weaver, The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 49–62, 2015. Interviews with nine dominants; supplies their self-description as empathic, caring, attentive, and responsible, and the extra work and the responsibility as the flip side.
- Erotic humiliation. Wikipedia. Supplies the finding that humiliation is not inherent to an act or an object but arises in the shared attitudes and interpretations of the participants.
Related terms
- Degradation. The practice this role belongs to, with the word list and the research. The English word is degradation; the Dutch is degradatie.
- Degradee. The counter-role, and where it leaves you vulnerable.
- Debrief. The follow-up talk in which a degrader hears what a word really did.
- BDSM test. The questionnaire the archetype comes from.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about the degrader.
What is a degrader?
A degrader is the person who puts the other down during a scene: the leading side of degradation. The word comes from the archetype list of the BDSM test and is used untranslated in Dutch. The counter-role is called degradee.
What does the degrader role ask of you?
Precision, not harshness. Humiliation is, according to the encyclopedic description, not inherent to an act, but takes on meaning through the shared interpretation of the participants. So a degrader chooses not the harshest word but the word that means something to this person, and stays within the list agreed in advance.
Who can you turn to with questions about the degrader role?
Victor, gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. This is the role he plays himself, and the question he gets most often is about how you close off such a scene cleanly. Ask your question through the contact form or first chat for free.
Blog
Articles about the leading side
This page describes the role. Which forms there are and what they do to the other person is in these articles.
Ignore play: being ignored as a kink and surrender
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Related service
The leading role during a BDSM date
This is the role I play myself, always with a word list that we make together beforehand. The service page explains how we agree on that.
BDSM date
Book a BDSM date with a gigolo who has 25 years of experience. Safe, intense, always within your limits, from soft bondage to dominance.
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Still have questions about the degrader role?
I am Victor, gigolo. This is the role I play myself, and the question I get most often is about how you close it off cleanly. Feel free to ask me your question. No obligation, I will text you back whenever suits you.