Bull

What is a bull?

A bull is the third man who, within cuckolding, has sex with the woman with her partner’s knowledge and consent. The encyclopedia describes him as the dominant man who has contact with the cuckold’s partner. He is not a lover in secret, but an agreed-upon guest.

What a bull actually does

The role is less wild than the word suggests. A bull steps into two other people’s fantasy, and his main job is not to knock that fantasy over.

How it usually goes: a couple who have been talking about it for months meet him, at first with nothing happening. They go over what is and isn’t allowed, whether the partner is present or in the next room, how it gets talked about, and when it stops. Only once that’s settled does an evening get scheduled. What happens that evening is largely agreed on; what he brings is calm, and the ability to notice when someone goes quiet.

Where it goes wrong is almost never in bed. It goes wrong when a bull stretches the agreements because the moment presents itself, or when he reaches out afterward outside of the couple. That last one is why a lot of couples stop looking on dating sites after a single try.

Where the word comes from

The encyclopedia sets the fetish meaning of cuckold against the classic one: in fetish use the cuckold is complicit in his partner’s so-called infidelity, while in the old meaning he was the one being deceived. The bull exists only in that first version. In the second he is just called the other man.

That is also why the role got such a heavy word attached to it. Bull belongs to a scenario in which the third man, in the fantasy, is bigger and more dominant than the partner who watches, and more sure of himself too. That is imagery, not a job description. In practice the bull is often the calmest of the three, simply because he is the only one who isn’t emotionally invested.

Why couples look for a bull

The pull is with the couple, not with him. What they are after is for a fantasy that sat in their heads for years to exist for real just once, without anything breaking.

• For the partner who watches, the gain is that he sees something happen that he can’t make happen himself. That is exactly why he would rather choose someone than run into someone by chance.
• For the woman, it is usually about attention and about being desired while her partner is there.
• For the bull, the appeal is a setting where everything is already discussed and nobody has to guess at anything.

Research only exists on the fantasy side. Lehmiller, Ley and Savage asked 580 mostly gay men about their cuckolding fantasies and found that the content of those fantasies tracked with personality traits like sensation-seeking and attitudes toward sex outside a relationship. People who actually did it usually looked back on it positively, though whether it turned out well seemed to depend on personality and attachment style.

A bull doesn’t take tension away. A couple who feel tension about their own relationship carry that tension into the evening, and a third person makes it more visible rather than smaller.

Misconceptions about the bull

“The bull runs the evening.” No. The couple’s agreements lead, even when the role is dominant in the fantasy. Being dominant within a scenario is something other than deciding what the scenario is.

“Nothing needs to be agreed for the bull.” Wrong, legally too. Under the Dutch Wet seksuele misdrijven (Sexual Offenses Act), in force since 1 July 2024, sex has to be voluntary and equal, and it counts as an offense when someone should have noticed signals of unwillingness. That holds for all three, in every direction.

“It’s anonymous, so STIs are a private matter.” It is exactly the other way around. Soa Aids Nederland advises an STI test after sex without a condom, when you have symptoms, when a partner has an STI, and before you stop using condoms with a steady partner. When partners change, regular testing is part of the deal.

What I see myself

I am Victor, a gigolo, and couples ask me to be their bull. What keeps striking me is that the most exciting part of the work isn’t in the bedroom but at the table, in the conversation beforehand.

Usually a couple tried it first without any guidance, with someone from the internet, and it went wrong there over something small. Someone who wouldn’t leave, or who forgot the agreements. Sometimes someone who flat-out ignored the partner. It almost never goes wrong over the sex itself.

And what surprises people most: the partner who watches more often needs attention afterward than the woman does. That is why I don’t leave right away when it is over.

What you can do yourself

• Agree on everything before there is a date. Who does what, who is where, what is off the table, and whether it can be talked about afterward.
• Get consent from all three, explicitly. The bull can stop too, and he doesn’t have to give a reason for it either.
• Make an STI policy part of the conversation, including condom use and when everyone was last tested.
• Pick someone who asks questions. A bull who wants to know nothing beforehand knows nothing during the evening either.
• Plan the time afterward, for the couple together. The evening doesn’t end when the bull leaves.

Further reading about the bull

On this site, the article on cuckolding to strengthen your relationship is about what happens between two people once the third one is gone, and the cuckolding taboo unmasked describes why so much shame surrounds it.

Beyond this site, the study by Lehmiller, Ley and Savage is the only large piece of research that asked people about their real experiences with cuckolding instead of their fantasy alone.

Sources

• The Psychology of Gay Men’s Cuckolding Fantasies. Lehmiller, Ley & Savage, Archives of Sexual Behavior 47(4), 999–1013, 2018. A study of 580 mostly gay men; it supplies the link with personality traits and the finding that the outcome ties to personality and attachment style.
• Wet seksuele misdrijven. Rijksoverheid, in force since 1 July 2024. Supplies the requirement that sex be voluntary and equal, and the criminal liability when signals of unwillingness are ignored.
• Wanneer doe je een soa-test?. Soa Aids Nederland. Supplies the moments when testing is advised and the advice for changing partners.
• Cuckold. Wikipedia. Supplies the definition of the bull and the distinction between the classic and the fetish meaning of cuckold.

Related terms

• Cuckolding. The whole that the bull plays a part in, with the figures on how common this fantasy is.
• Compersion. The feeling that, for some couples, an evening like this turns on, and why meeting in advance counts.
• Boyfriend experience. Paid company where consent and agreements made in advance are just as much the core.
• Cuckcake. The female counterpart of the bull, in the reversed dynamic.
• Hotwifing. The arrangement where a bull is asked most often, with the buildup in five steps.
• Stag. The partner who brings the bull in, and what the role asks of him.
• Vixen. The woman the bull meets, under the name she often picks for herself.