A dominant gigolo and why surrender pulls at you
Booking a dominant gigolo, why being dominated is such a powerful fantasy and how power exchange feels safe and trusted.
Glossary
Brat tamer
The counter-role that wins with patience, not with force.
What is a brat tamer?
A brat tamer (Dutch: brattemmer) is the dominant who takes pleasure in taming a brat. He answers the challenging behavior with patience and quiet authority, rather than punishing it out of frustration. The role only exists alongside the other one: with nothing pushing back, there is nothing to tame.
| English term | Identical. Brat tamer is used untranslated in Dutch, where brattemmer is rarely written. |
| Counter-role | brat |
| The behavior he answers | bratting |
| Core skill | staying calm while someone tugs at you on purpose |
| Biggest pitfall | reacting out of real irritation instead of from within the play |
What the role asks
Taming isn’t about being harder than the other person. It’s about not dropping your role while someone steers you toward exactly that, and about working toward something instead of settling a score.
The encyclopedia puts something sober next to that: power exchange draws its strength from the submissive’s surrender, and that surrender is conditional. So the dominant holds nothing that wasn’t handed to him, and a brat makes no secret of it.
What it costs and what it gives
What the role gives you is an evening where you have something to do. There’s resistance to meet, and that resistance asks for answers you invent on the spot. For a lot of dominants that beats obedience that arrives on its own.
What it costs is exactly what Hébert and Weaver recorded in their interview study of nine dominants. They described dominants as empathic, caring, attentive, and responsible, and named the extra work and responsibility as the main flip side of the role. With a counterpart who actively works against you, that counts double: you keep an eye on the agreements while the other one pulls at them. This is the side I fill myself. On a BDSM date I’d rather meet a challenge with patience than with irritation.
Sources
- Perks, problems, and the people who play: A qualitative exploration of dominant and submissive BDSM roles. Ali Hébert & Angela Weaver, The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 24(1), 49–62, 2015. Interviews with nine dominants; supplies their self-description and the downside of more work and responsibility.
- Dominance and submission. Wikipedia. Supplies the description of power exchange as something the submissive gives and can therefore take back.
Related terms
- Brat. The counter-role, and the reason this one exists.
- Bratting. The behavior a brat tamer responds to.
- 24/7. What happens when a dominant role keeps running outside the session too.
- Sadist. The role a brat tamer is often confused with, and where the difference lies.
- Dom. The role a brat tamer fills.
- Switch. Someone who takes that role only part of the time.
Frequently asked questions
What people still ask about brat tamers.
What is a brat tamer?
A brat tamer is the dominant who takes pleasure in taming a brat and answers the challenging behavior with patience and quiet authority, rather than punishing it out of frustration.
What does brat taming ask of a dominant?
Mostly calm. Hébert and Weaver (2015) recorded from dominants that the role mainly costs extra work and responsibility, and with a counterpart who actively works against you, that counts double.
Who can you turn to with questions about brat taming?
Victor, a gigolo with twenty-five years of experience in BDSM and a background as a psychotherapist. His dominance, by his own account, is the natural, calm kind. You can ask him a question with no obligation through the contact form or chat for free first.
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What the calm kind of dominance looks like in practice, written from the side that takes the lead.
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Still have questions about brat taming?
I'm Victor. Staying calm while someone tugs at you on purpose is a skill, not a personality trait. Feel free to ask me about it. No obligation, and I'll message you back whenever it suits you.