Anna is married to a gigolo #1: the introduction

This column first appeared on &C.

Anna* thought she knew exactly how her life would go. Two kids, a stable marriage, a good job in the bag. What she never imagined: that one evening she would sit behind her laptop with a pounding heart to place a BDSM ad, and turn her whole love life upside down.

Placing my first BDSM ad

With trembling fingers I sit behind my laptop. Am I really going to do this? A mother of two, just divorced after a ten-year marriage. Yes. I am going to do this.

‘Nice to meet you, I am Anna, a fortysomething who is completely new to BDSM,’ I type. ‘I am still discovering what I like, but I have felt drawn to this scene for a while now. Connection matters to me. So if you are interested, let us meet over a cup of coffee.’

My BDSM mentor tipped me off to place an ad online. I found him through Stichting Info BDSM. Yes, that really exists: platforms that pair you with someone who shows you the ropes in this world, and places where you can leave an ad yourself.

I skip the option to upload a photo. Exciting enough as it is. Quickly I hit publish. There. No way back now.

Why I buried my desire for BDSM for so long

I am curious about the replies. If I get any at all. Do not overthink it, I tell myself sternly. For years I have wanted to experiment with BDSM, but I always held myself back. Now I finally want to set free the desire that has been rattling the bars for years.

My ex wanted nothing to do with anything kinky. I still remember dragging him to Fifty Shades of Grey at the cinema. Cheeks flushed, I fantasised about everything we could do together. He mostly stared at the screen in horror. No. This weird business was not for him.

Our sex life had already fizzled out by then. My days were work, caring for the kids, and tidying the house in the evening. Hello routine, goodbye intimacy. I buried my desire. Until now.

Sorting through the replies: looking for the right match

Where at first I was afraid no one would reply, a day later my inbox was full. Still, plenty of men dropped out while I was making my selection. Spelling mistakes and no punctuation? Out. As a highly educated woman I was looking for someone on the same level. Did someone live in Limburg? Too far away. Men who kept pressing me about what exactly I was looking for, and then got frustrated because I had no sharp answer, dropped out too. What I wanted was someone who took the lead and went exploring together with me.

Meeting gigolo Victor

When my eye fell on Victor’s email, I was not immediately enthusiastic. He was fairly short-spoken. All those other men had taken the trouble to write a long story. That does not get you picked so quickly, my friend.

Before I had even turned him down, a week later he emailed again. I looked up his profile. There he told me more about himself, and he was one of the few with a photo attached. Well, I thought, he actually is a good-looking man.

We emailed back and forth a bit, swapped numbers. When my kids went on holiday with their father, we arranged to meet. First for a cup of coffee somewhere halfway, but Victor challenged me: did I not dare come straight to his place? After a long hesitation I got into the car on wobbly knees. Oh god. What had I gotten myself into?

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Note from Victor: do you recognise something of Anna in yourself? That desire that has been rattling the bars for years, that curiosity about BDSM you could never talk about safely? You do not have to figure it out on your own. Send me a message, no pressure, no obligations, and I will text you back at your pace. Or first read what a BDSM date with me involves, and book me as your gigolo whenever you are ready.