Sexual brake

What is the sexual brake?

The sexual brake (the sexual inhibition system, or SIS) is the part of your sexual response that inhibits arousal: it constantly scans your surroundings for reasons not to get aroused, like stress, haste, or an unsafe feeling. Together with the sexual accelerator it forms the dual control model. For many people the key to more desire lies in the brake, not in the accelerator.

How the sexual brake works in practice

The brake does its work in the background, without your noticing. While your accelerator watches what excites, the brake watches what’s off: the door that isn’t locked, the children still awake, the to-do list in your head, or the feeling that you have to perform. Panzeri and colleagues (2021) distinguish two kinds of inhibition: the fear of failure and the fear of the consequences of sex. Take an evening where your partner does everything right and still nothing gets going. Usually that’s not a broken accelerator, but a brake reacting to something.

Why the brake is so strong

The accelerator and the brake stand apart from each other, and that explains a lot. According to psychologist Noam Shpancer, high arousal isn’t enough for good sex: you also need a brake that’s released enough. For many people, and for women more often than men, that brake is sensitive. Then accelerating stays pointless as long as the brake underneath is on. In the popular book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explains that removing brakes, more than ramping up stimulation, makes the difference for most women.

Why it helps to know your brake

What you get from it is that you stop pressing the wrong button. As long as you think there’s too little desire, you try harder, while the solution is in letting go. For you, this insight means “no desire” is rarely unwillingness, but a brake reacting to something. For the two of you together it means the question shifts from “what’s wrong with me” to “what’s keeping the brake pressed”. What it does not do: knowing your brake doesn’t release it on its own. Some brakes, like those from a trauma, call for targeted help.

What you can do yourself

• Look for the brakes, not more stimulation. Ask yourself what’s going on in your head or your surroundings instead of accelerating harder.
• Take away haste and pressure. Time pressure and performing are two of the strongest brakes; room and time take them off.
• Be gentle. A sensitive brake is no defect. Panzeri and colleagues show that people differ greatly in inhibition and arousal, and that’s normal.

What the sexual brake is not

“A sensitive brake means you’re frigid.” Not true. Brake and accelerator are separate systems; a sensitive brake says nothing about your capacity for arousal, only about how fast something inhibits that arousal.

“Trying harder solves it.” Rarely. As long as the brake is on, accelerating harder backfires. First the brake off, then the accelerator.

What I see myself

I work as a gigolo, and the brake is the concept that explains my whole way of working. I really do only one thing on purpose: take away everything that presses the brake. No time pressure, no judgment, nothing that has to happen. What strikes me every time is how much then gets going on its own. Women who thought their desire was gone find it was always there, only buried under haste and tension. Releasing the brake is almost everything.

Further reading

• Sexual accelerator is the counterpart that turns arousal on.
• Sexual response cycle places brake and accelerator in the larger whole.
• Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are (2015), explains why releasing the brake makes the difference for most women.

Where this fits on this site

I don’t sell technique, but my whole way of working comes down to releasing the brake: no haste, no pressure, no judgment. Curious how a meeting without that pressure goes? Then take a look at intimate togetherness. You can always call or message me first, without promising anything.

Sources

• Validation of the Sexual Inhibition/Sexual Excitation Scales (SIS/SES). Panzeri et al., Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2021. Provides that inhibition has two sides, the fear of failure and the fear of the consequences, and that people differ greatly in how sensitive their brake is.
• The Accelerator and the Brake: What Is Needed for Good Sex. Noam Shpancer, Psychology Today, 2023. Provides that high arousal isn’t enough and that you need a brake that’s released enough.
• Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are, 2015. Provides that removing brakes makes more difference for most women than ramping up stimulation.

Related terms

• Sexual accelerator. The counterpart of the brake, which turns arousal on.
• Sexual response cycle. The larger frame in which brake and accelerator work together.
• Libido. Your desire for sex, which depends strongly on how hard the brake is on.
• Sex therapy. Where a sexologist works with this model on desire complaints.